The last few days have been good, but a lot of things really touched my heart and I shed a few tears. Today completed the sale of my husband's family farm. I have never really been attached to it so I wasn't expecting it to feel so sad. There is nothing left in Eastern Washington to take me over there except for the cemetery. Just a weird feeling.
Speaking of the cemetery, I still haven't even started to get a headstone for Mike's grave. I just haven't been able to deal with that. Maybe it is because it will feel like the final chapter of a favorite book coming to an end. I also can't stand the idea of seeing my name on a gravestone by his. I guess I will have to look at separate markers or something. I just don't want to deal with it yet so I haven't.
On another note, I was touched to see Mike's name listed in the Brigham Young University Magazine under alumni who have passed away. I am sure it is a standard thing for them, but it was special to see. He graduated in 1983 as the top student in the accounting program. There is still a plaque in the Tanner building with his name on it. I have a lot of good memories of our time there.
I also receive a letter from the alumni association today. Mike donated to both Ricks College (BYU-I) and BYU on a regular basis. He had full scholarships to both and his way to pay back what they gave him was to donate so others could have the same opportunities he had received. Due to that support, in this letter it stated that they were going to donate a book to the Herald B Lee Library in his name. It seems like a little thing, but it means a lot.
And finally Rachel and I went to see her therapist (they allow me to go in because Rachel speaks freely around me.) It was a good session but touching. She talked a lot about how we can't do the 'what ifs' or blame ourselves. She talked about how Mike is now free from the pain he was in. It was all stuff I have been stating but it sounded nice coming from a professional. It made us both feel normal to be experiencing some of the stuff that we are experiencing.
We have a long road ahead. Some days are better then others. I usually say I am fine or good when people ask even if it isn't quite the truth. I think I need to learn to let me emotions flow. It is good for the soul. Being able to write freely on this blog has been a great release for me. It also helps to know that people truly do care.
Monday, January 26, 2009
Thursday, January 22, 2009
Making it Through Another Week
The last few days have been pretty mellow. I worked today for the school district and that was a nice break. It seems there is always too much paperwork to deal with, but I am wading through it. I decided I need a heavy duty paper shredder! I have so many papers to go through and get rid of.
As for me, I am enjoying my exercise routine and physical therapy. I am learning a lot about why I have knee and hip pain and what I can do to strengthen it. Right now they have my kneecap taped so it will stay where it should and ride smoother. We will see how my knee does in my step class tomorrow! The exercising is a great outlet for me. It helps me feel stronger and refreshed. It involves taking time for myself that I really enjoy. I think it even helps me to stay centered. It is even great therapy.
The kids seem to be doing well. Jeffrey is enjoying his college classes and Marie is enjoying her new place in Utah. I miss my grandson something awful. Rachel is working through finals and holding together pretty well. I am worried about next week when her classes change and she has to get used to a few new teachers. She really struggles in Math and loves her current teacher but she has to move to a different class to fit her Western Civilization class in. Bummer. Math is one of the things that triggers her anxiety attacks. I pray she will do well with the change.
Anxiety is a funny little monster. Rachel is so worried about having an anxiety attack in public that she had learned to control it enough until she is alone with me. Then she lets loose. I think Jeffrey and Marie are the only other people who have seen her have a full blown anxiety attack. This made me ponder something. For almost 20 years Mike kept his depression a secret from everyone around him. I remember telling people and they looked at me like I was crazy. I felt that no one believe me that he had depression. I kind of feel that way again. No one ever sees Rachel having an attack so I feel they don't think it is as bad as I say. It can be very frustrating and I feel bad for Rachel because she is so hard on herself. She goes back to the therapist on Monday and maybe we can get more ideas on how to handle these attacks.
As for me, I am enjoying my exercise routine and physical therapy. I am learning a lot about why I have knee and hip pain and what I can do to strengthen it. Right now they have my kneecap taped so it will stay where it should and ride smoother. We will see how my knee does in my step class tomorrow! The exercising is a great outlet for me. It helps me feel stronger and refreshed. It involves taking time for myself that I really enjoy. I think it even helps me to stay centered. It is even great therapy.
The kids seem to be doing well. Jeffrey is enjoying his college classes and Marie is enjoying her new place in Utah. I miss my grandson something awful. Rachel is working through finals and holding together pretty well. I am worried about next week when her classes change and she has to get used to a few new teachers. She really struggles in Math and loves her current teacher but she has to move to a different class to fit her Western Civilization class in. Bummer. Math is one of the things that triggers her anxiety attacks. I pray she will do well with the change.
Anxiety is a funny little monster. Rachel is so worried about having an anxiety attack in public that she had learned to control it enough until she is alone with me. Then she lets loose. I think Jeffrey and Marie are the only other people who have seen her have a full blown anxiety attack. This made me ponder something. For almost 20 years Mike kept his depression a secret from everyone around him. I remember telling people and they looked at me like I was crazy. I felt that no one believe me that he had depression. I kind of feel that way again. No one ever sees Rachel having an attack so I feel they don't think it is as bad as I say. It can be very frustrating and I feel bad for Rachel because she is so hard on herself. She goes back to the therapist on Monday and maybe we can get more ideas on how to handle these attacks.
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
Rachel Blames Herself. . .
Sometimes I don't even know where to start, my thoughts are going in many sporadic directions. Sunday started out as a normal day, but by bedtime everything changed. Rachel was in bed and reminded me to come say prayers. So I did and then went back to getting ready for bed. A few minutes later I heard her crying. So I climbed into bed with her and held her while she cried.
When she finally felt like talking, she mentioned that she was afraid dad's death may have been her fault. I knew how she felt, but I also know that his death was his choice. For the last year we where trying to run two households two hours and a ferry ride apart and it was a big mistake. Mike didn't come over that weekend because he would only be able to come for two days and he was planning to come over the following week on the Forth of July for 5 days. By Sunday night he had already decided to take his own life. He had made that choice. He called us and everyone was home so he talked to each one of us. That really wasn't out of the ordinary. I wish I could remember what I did or didn't say that night but I don't. I remember laughing and having a good conversation. Rachel remembers telling him that it was a waste of money and gas to come over for two days. Looking back it made her feel guilty for telling him that. She thought that if she would have told him to come, he may still be alive today. That is a lot of weight on the shoulders of a teenager. We talked and I assured her that he had already made the decision not to come over, but it still hurt. We just sat on the bed and cried and talked. There is so much of her life he won't see now and it hurts her. I don't know how to be a single parent. It is hard. I don't always know what to say or do. I hope I was a comfort to her.
On Monday night she had an anxiety attack. She freaked out over all the stuff she has to do over the next month and acted as if she had to accomplish it all right now. I was patient, but I still don't know the right thing to say to her. She seems to be having these more often and is having less control over them. You can tell a person to calm down and breath deep but you can't make them. I need to get her back to her counselor but she has no time in her schedule...literally. She leaves the house everyday at 6:40am and on some days gets home at 8 or 9 pm. Drivers Ed started Tuesday night so that may have been the reason for the loss of control on Monday.
I throw myself into my exercising or other hobbies that I don't have to much time to dwell on the past. It is still to tender and hurts. So I move forward in life and live everyday the best I can. I wish I knew how to teach that concept to a teenage.
When she finally felt like talking, she mentioned that she was afraid dad's death may have been her fault. I knew how she felt, but I also know that his death was his choice. For the last year we where trying to run two households two hours and a ferry ride apart and it was a big mistake. Mike didn't come over that weekend because he would only be able to come for two days and he was planning to come over the following week on the Forth of July for 5 days. By Sunday night he had already decided to take his own life. He had made that choice. He called us and everyone was home so he talked to each one of us. That really wasn't out of the ordinary. I wish I could remember what I did or didn't say that night but I don't. I remember laughing and having a good conversation. Rachel remembers telling him that it was a waste of money and gas to come over for two days. Looking back it made her feel guilty for telling him that. She thought that if she would have told him to come, he may still be alive today. That is a lot of weight on the shoulders of a teenager. We talked and I assured her that he had already made the decision not to come over, but it still hurt. We just sat on the bed and cried and talked. There is so much of her life he won't see now and it hurts her. I don't know how to be a single parent. It is hard. I don't always know what to say or do. I hope I was a comfort to her.
On Monday night she had an anxiety attack. She freaked out over all the stuff she has to do over the next month and acted as if she had to accomplish it all right now. I was patient, but I still don't know the right thing to say to her. She seems to be having these more often and is having less control over them. You can tell a person to calm down and breath deep but you can't make them. I need to get her back to her counselor but she has no time in her schedule...literally. She leaves the house everyday at 6:40am and on some days gets home at 8 or 9 pm. Drivers Ed started Tuesday night so that may have been the reason for the loss of control on Monday.
I throw myself into my exercising or other hobbies that I don't have to much time to dwell on the past. It is still to tender and hurts. So I move forward in life and live everyday the best I can. I wish I knew how to teach that concept to a teenage.
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
"Come What May and Love It"
Thank you for your support and positive encouragement. One of my favorite quotes is "Come what may and love it," from a recent talk by Elder Wirthland before he passed away. I had it on a sticky note by my computer. Rachel made a beautiful scrapbook style 8 x 10 of it and framed it for me for Christmas. Usually I do pretty good, but yesterday was just a tough day. It is hard to have Jeffrey go back to college; he is such a strength in our home.
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
Hard Day
Things have been happening so fast and now it is time to slow down. I'm not sure if I like the fact that I have more time, especially for thinking. We have not been left alone in this house since Mike passed away. My older kids, mom, other family members etc, have been either living with us or coming to visit non-stop. That ended today. This morning my mom & Phil took off after a 5 day visit and then I took my son Jeffrey to the ferry to head to Redmond for a few days before heading back to college.
I didn't think it would be that difficult, but I was close to tears the hour long drive back from the ferry. I tried to call a few friends but it was to hard to talk. I wanted to listen to the radio but the songs where to hard to listen to. I didn't want to think about the future. Suddenly I felt like all this weight was on my shoulders because I am the only adult in the house. If something breaks I have to get it fixed; if there is a problem I have to find the solution; if we get scared...I have to be the brave one. Alone. I really don't like that word. In a way, I couldn't wait to be here by myself in the daytime so I could get lots of stuff done. I still have so much stuff to go through. Rachel is only 15 so she is home after school. She is a great friend to have here right now. I have always been blessed with great kids that have been my friends too. By the way, thanks to wonderful friends who call or write for no reason other then to talk and check up on me. I appreciate it. You are all lifesavers.
But I wasn't expecting these overwhelming emotional feelings to hit me this quickly. I have just wanted to cry all day. I try to be strong for the kids and others, but this time I think I will have to just go cry on Rachel's shoulder. It's my turn.
I miss my grandson too. He was such a joy and blessing to have around.
I didn't think it would be that difficult, but I was close to tears the hour long drive back from the ferry. I tried to call a few friends but it was to hard to talk. I wanted to listen to the radio but the songs where to hard to listen to. I didn't want to think about the future. Suddenly I felt like all this weight was on my shoulders because I am the only adult in the house. If something breaks I have to get it fixed; if there is a problem I have to find the solution; if we get scared...I have to be the brave one. Alone. I really don't like that word. In a way, I couldn't wait to be here by myself in the daytime so I could get lots of stuff done. I still have so much stuff to go through. Rachel is only 15 so she is home after school. She is a great friend to have here right now. I have always been blessed with great kids that have been my friends too. By the way, thanks to wonderful friends who call or write for no reason other then to talk and check up on me. I appreciate it. You are all lifesavers.
But I wasn't expecting these overwhelming emotional feelings to hit me this quickly. I have just wanted to cry all day. I try to be strong for the kids and others, but this time I think I will have to just go cry on Rachel's shoulder. It's my turn.
I miss my grandson too. He was such a joy and blessing to have around.
Saturday, December 27, 2008
We Made it Through Christmas
Well we have almost made it through the holidays. The cruise ended today and we are now relaxing at a hotel on the beach for the next few days. It was hard to leave the ship and I still feel like I am in motion!!! We all had a great time on the cruise. Rachel said it was the best vacation ever but the worst Christmas ever. I can understand that. She had two breakdowns where she lost it. One was just sadness of dad not being with us for Christmas. The other was over money. They charged her the adult price for a manicure when she should have received the teen price. Of course she came back to the room hysterical. All I had to do was go talk to them and it was all fixed. Afterwards, she was frustrated with herself for losing control but didn't know how to control it during the attack. It is very hard for her. As always, Jeffrey was able to settle her down. 
As for me, it has been a tough week but because I have been surrounded by people, I have kept it all together. I think I am in for a crash again soon. I have been holding things together over the holidays for the kids. In a way I am looking forward to getting back home and settling in to our routine. I am not looking forward to getting back to all the snow!!! Aloha to all my friends and Mahalo for your prayers at this difficult season.
Monday, December 22, 2008
Working Through the Holidays
Well the month of December has been interesting. I have tired to keep busy and not think about what we used to do for the holidays. This year no one wanted to be home. It was time to start new traditions or just do something different. So I planned a Hawaiian Cruise. It has been a great get away. Just Jeffrey, Rachel and I are here in Hawaii. The problem is Rachel is freaking out every time we spend money and that it is starting to make me meserible. I am a positive person, but with that environment around you, it can really drag you down. I wish she could be happy and less stressed about everything.
Anyway, we are having fun most of the time. It is a nice get away, but also hard. Most people are with spouses. I feel like people look at me and the kids and asume I am divorced. And of course we are in beautiful Hawaii and I feel like a misfit next to all the cute skinny tan girls. Speaking of which, I go to the gym almost daily, I had a personal trainer set up a program just for me and I feel really good, but I still look the same. What is with that! I know, I know, it takes time. But people see someone overweight and make judgements. They don't know where they have been or how far they have come. For me it is the fact that I have to do twice as much and work twice as hard just to get the same results the average person gets. Stupid.
Okay, off that thought. The holidays are lonely. There are times I just want to cry but don't because people are around. I don't think my kids understand just how hard all of this has been for me. Everyone tends to worry about themselves. I stay busy taking care of the kids and don't always take care of myself. Nuts, just plain nuts. Mike and I were supposed to do this cruise on our 25th anniversary but we didn't have the money. So now I am here as a single adult with my kids. Sadly different, but I love my kids and I love spending time with them. We do have lots of laughs and most the time things are good. It is just when money is involved, it sends Rachel over the edge. I should be writing about all the cool and fun things we are doing on and off the ship, but I am just a bit down tonight. Oh well, part of it is thinking about my grandson and how lonely the house will be when we get back since they are moving to Utah right now. Time to go back to the cabin and put on a positive face. I hope all those out there enjoying my thoughts have a wonderful Christmas and holiday.
Anyway, we are having fun most of the time. It is a nice get away, but also hard. Most people are with spouses. I feel like people look at me and the kids and asume I am divorced. And of course we are in beautiful Hawaii and I feel like a misfit next to all the cute skinny tan girls. Speaking of which, I go to the gym almost daily, I had a personal trainer set up a program just for me and I feel really good, but I still look the same. What is with that! I know, I know, it takes time. But people see someone overweight and make judgements. They don't know where they have been or how far they have come. For me it is the fact that I have to do twice as much and work twice as hard just to get the same results the average person gets. Stupid.
Okay, off that thought. The holidays are lonely. There are times I just want to cry but don't because people are around. I don't think my kids understand just how hard all of this has been for me. Everyone tends to worry about themselves. I stay busy taking care of the kids and don't always take care of myself. Nuts, just plain nuts. Mike and I were supposed to do this cruise on our 25th anniversary but we didn't have the money. So now I am here as a single adult with my kids. Sadly different, but I love my kids and I love spending time with them. We do have lots of laughs and most the time things are good. It is just when money is involved, it sends Rachel over the edge. I should be writing about all the cool and fun things we are doing on and off the ship, but I am just a bit down tonight. Oh well, part of it is thinking about my grandson and how lonely the house will be when we get back since they are moving to Utah right now. Time to go back to the cabin and put on a positive face. I hope all those out there enjoying my thoughts have a wonderful Christmas and holiday.
Saturday, December 6, 2008
For Every Few Good Days, There is Always a Bad One
After a wonderful Thanksgiving with the kids, things were going pretty good. Then out of no where bang, a bad day hits. I guess that is life. Rachel has been seeing a therapist for her anxiety and it has been a good experience. One of the things we talk about is Rachel's feelings of the "loss of security" due to her dad's passing.
The loss of her dad has caused a lot of different types of insecurities. She stresses over school especially math, she stresses over money, and she stresses over more loss. So when we woke up Friday morning both having had crazy dreams, our day was not off to a good start! Rachel dreamt that we were in a convenient store and some guy got mad at his wife at the pump and shot her and then came in and shot me 4 times. Although I didn't die in her dream, I was innocently shot in front of her and Jeffrey. It was very disturbing to her and she was concerned all day about what if she loses me too. It didn't help that she had a math test too. She went in and started the test during lunch and was still the last one to turn it in at the end of class. As soon as I picked her up from school, she had a melt down. I fed her, hugged her, and just listened. She hadn't eaten all day which is not good for her. Rachel puts way to much pressure on herself.
As for me, I had a good day but I had a crazy dream too. In mine we were stopping at the Redmond house to check on it and we walked in to find Mike packing stuff to take. He had faked his death and was running out on us. I was so mad at him. It was so real and weird. That is the first time I have dreamed about him at all. Dreams are so weird. I don't know what triggered the dreams that night but later on when I talked to Jeffrey, he had a weird dream that same night. He just couldn't remember it anymore. So I guess our subconsciousness's are trying to tell us something??? Who knows. I am SO glad I have a wonderful relationship with my kids. We are always able to talk, cry, hug and laugh together. They have been a great support to me these last few months. It will be sad when Chris and Marie leave at the end of the month with Ethan. I have decided I don't want to work full time until Rachel is done with school. She still needs me to be flexible for her. I hope others are having a good week and great holiday. Hold on to your dreams. . . but not your nightmares!!!!
The loss of her dad has caused a lot of different types of insecurities. She stresses over school especially math, she stresses over money, and she stresses over more loss. So when we woke up Friday morning both having had crazy dreams, our day was not off to a good start! Rachel dreamt that we were in a convenient store and some guy got mad at his wife at the pump and shot her and then came in and shot me 4 times. Although I didn't die in her dream, I was innocently shot in front of her and Jeffrey. It was very disturbing to her and she was concerned all day about what if she loses me too. It didn't help that she had a math test too. She went in and started the test during lunch and was still the last one to turn it in at the end of class. As soon as I picked her up from school, she had a melt down. I fed her, hugged her, and just listened. She hadn't eaten all day which is not good for her. Rachel puts way to much pressure on herself.
As for me, I had a good day but I had a crazy dream too. In mine we were stopping at the Redmond house to check on it and we walked in to find Mike packing stuff to take. He had faked his death and was running out on us. I was so mad at him. It was so real and weird. That is the first time I have dreamed about him at all. Dreams are so weird. I don't know what triggered the dreams that night but later on when I talked to Jeffrey, he had a weird dream that same night. He just couldn't remember it anymore. So I guess our subconsciousness's are trying to tell us something??? Who knows. I am SO glad I have a wonderful relationship with my kids. We are always able to talk, cry, hug and laugh together. They have been a great support to me these last few months. It will be sad when Chris and Marie leave at the end of the month with Ethan. I have decided I don't want to work full time until Rachel is done with school. She still needs me to be flexible for her. I hope others are having a good week and great holiday. Hold on to your dreams. . . but not your nightmares!!!!
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
I Love the Christmas Season
We put most of our decorations up before we left for Thanksgiving. Now we just need some lights up and things will be done. Oh and then there is all the Christmas cards to write. I love this time of year. I love the music, the lights, the spirit of giving, the cookies and the Christmas movies. I love to sit by the fireplace with all the normal lights out and just the Christmas ones glowing, sipping on a cup of peppermint hot cocoa. It is sad not to have someone to intimately share it with. The last several years Mike was too busy to stop and enjoy the season, but at least he was around. It is odd this year not having to discuss Christmas budgets, plans, gifts etc. In a way it is actually kind of nice, but there is still a big hole. Something missing. It is hard to imagine that at the end of December it will be six months since Mike's passing. Sometimes I feel a bit guilty for doing so well. I actually feel more like myself then I have for years. Happier and more at easy. I finally joined a gym and it feels good to work out and spend some time on bettering myself.
As I find myself alone listening to Christmas music, there is often a tear shed. A tear of loneliness, a tear for times past, a tear for things we didn't take time for when we could, and a tear for the uncertainty of the future. It is a lonely place to be, not knowing what lies ahead. So I surround myself with family and friends, enjoy the moment and try not to think to deeply.
I hope you all enjoy the season and appreciate everything and everyone you have. You never know when something or someone might be taken away.
As I find myself alone listening to Christmas music, there is often a tear shed. A tear of loneliness, a tear for times past, a tear for things we didn't take time for when we could, and a tear for the uncertainty of the future. It is a lonely place to be, not knowing what lies ahead. So I surround myself with family and friends, enjoy the moment and try not to think to deeply.
I hope you all enjoy the season and appreciate everything and everyone you have. You never know when something or someone might be taken away.
Friday, November 28, 2008
A Great Way to Spend Thanksgiving!
Well the kids all wanted to get away and do something different for Thanksgiving so we did. We are in Victoria BC right now having a blast. Thank you to some wonderful friends for giving us their time share. In two days we have walked all over Victoria sight seeing and eating! In the evening we play games (usually Killer Bunnies) and watch a movie. It is so fun to just hang out with the kids and laugh. For Thanksgiving Dinner we had a fantastic lunch at a Japanese Restaurant in Canada. Now that is differ
ent! Then around 5 we went to Milestones for appetizers and dessert. I love good food.We are getting ready to head down to the gym right now and then off for a day of tourist attractions like the Wax Museum and underwater aquarium. Should be another fun day. So this holiday hasn't been too bad because we have kept busy doing something different. Good way to get through tough times!
Friday, November 21, 2008
Milestones - "Happy Birthday Mike"
Well this week has been fun and long. I worked at the high school which was fun. I had my hips and lower back go out twice which wasn't fun. I learned to play "rock band" on the wii with a fun group of kids. I went to see the midnight show of TWILIGHT with a carload of girls, which was a blast and I dealt with an interesting situation with Rachel at our church youth group. So life is normal and good. My computer freaked out on me too and I lost a folder in my Outlook that had all our holiday activities in it... I hope I can figure it all out again!
Saturday will be a difficult milestone for us. I haven't brought it up so I don't know if the kids remember that Mike's birthday is the 22 of November. I have reminded Rachel several times that we will have a lot of firsts this year. This is one of them. Mike would be 52. In the past, we didn't celebrate Mike's birthday real big, but we would always go out to dinner and have a gift or two. This year I think we are kind of hiding from the normal things. That is why we are taking off for the holidays; we just don't want to do the traditional normal things.
I was frustrated this week when I had car and computer problems and he wasn't here to fix them. Makes me feel a bit helpless. I also haven't been able to deal with putting a marker on the grave yet. It just weirds me out to have a large marker with my name on it too, so I just ignore it. I wish I new someone in Mose Lake that could at least go put flowers on the grave. I hope we all get though tomorrow okay. Maybe I will just keep busy.
Saturday will be a difficult milestone for us. I haven't brought it up so I don't know if the kids remember that Mike's birthday is the 22 of November. I have reminded Rachel several times that we will have a lot of firsts this year. This is one of them. Mike would be 52. In the past, we didn't celebrate Mike's birthday real big, but we would always go out to dinner and have a gift or two. This year I think we are kind of hiding from the normal things. That is why we are taking off for the holidays; we just don't want to do the traditional normal things.
I was frustrated this week when I had car and computer problems and he wasn't here to fix them. Makes me feel a bit helpless. I also haven't been able to deal with putting a marker on the grave yet. It just weirds me out to have a large marker with my name on it too, so I just ignore it. I wish I new someone in Mose Lake that could at least go put flowers on the grave. I hope we all get though tomorrow okay. Maybe I will just keep busy.
Friday, November 14, 2008
Negitive List VS the Positive List
Another week has gone by and I don't know what I did with it! Chris came home from his 6 month Army training and is with us now. They will stay until Christmas. I will cherish the time I have left with my little grandson. He is son darn cute. Chris' parents came up for the weekend and we had fun celebrating Ethan's 1st birthday. Lots of food and fun times!
Rachel and I went to Redmond on Monday night. Tuesday I had a great time at lunch with my old FLC co-workers. (and no that doesn't mean they are OLD!) I mentioned something to them that I have learned. We all have a mental list of all the things we don't like or that drive us crazy about our spouse or even a friend. I call it the negative list. There is also a list of all the things we love about them. We as a people, tend to dwell too much on the negative list. The things that drive us crazy or that we hate. We need to be more positive and dwell on the good list. It makes life much more enjoyable. If you dwell on the negative list you can become bitter, angry and cynical. It just isn't healthy and it rips apart relationships.
I am convinced that daily enticements are placed in front of us to help us grow and see what we will choose. Will we choose best or better, anger or happiness, the good list or the negative list. I see people making these choices all the time. When you are driving and someone cuts you off. Do you get angry at the person or do say a pray for the person who seems to be having a bad day driving? When a child spills milk all over the floor, do you get mad and criticize the child or can you laugh and say oh well accidents happen. I have been working on the positive side of things for years. Sometimes I am better at it then at other times, but I can promise this: If you work on being positive, gentle, loving and forgiving, you will become a better person. The world needs more people who are tolerant, patient, loving and forgiving. One person can make a difference but if a lot of us try this, I believe we can change the world one life at a time. Start with yours, I am.
Rachel and I went to Redmond on Monday night. Tuesday I had a great time at lunch with my old FLC co-workers. (and no that doesn't mean they are OLD!) I mentioned something to them that I have learned. We all have a mental list of all the things we don't like or that drive us crazy about our spouse or even a friend. I call it the negative list. There is also a list of all the things we love about them. We as a people, tend to dwell too much on the negative list. The things that drive us crazy or that we hate. We need to be more positive and dwell on the good list. It makes life much more enjoyable. If you dwell on the negative list you can become bitter, angry and cynical. It just isn't healthy and it rips apart relationships.
I am convinced that daily enticements are placed in front of us to help us grow and see what we will choose. Will we choose best or better, anger or happiness, the good list or the negative list. I see people making these choices all the time. When you are driving and someone cuts you off. Do you get angry at the person or do say a pray for the person who seems to be having a bad day driving? When a child spills milk all over the floor, do you get mad and criticize the child or can you laugh and say oh well accidents happen. I have been working on the positive side of things for years. Sometimes I am better at it then at other times, but I can promise this: If you work on being positive, gentle, loving and forgiving, you will become a better person. The world needs more people who are tolerant, patient, loving and forgiving. One person can make a difference but if a lot of us try this, I believe we can change the world one life at a time. Start with yours, I am.
Tuesday, November 4, 2008
Rambling Thoughts
Well it has been an eventful week as always! I fell on Saturday, something I tend to do from time to time. When we bought the house here, Mike liked the fact that there were only two front steps. He was hoping it would lessen the falls. I think I fall just to live up to my name. . . anyway, within the first month here I fell going up the stairs and did a face plant on the front porch in front of Mike. We both just laughed. Only two steps and I still fall over them. So Saturday when I fell down the the two steps in the garage, I just sat there and laughed. Then I realized this fall really hurt. It has been three days and the doctors office still hasn't called me back after the x-rays on my foot. Time for a new doctor! I don't really have a doctor here yet; I just go to the walk in clinic. That is my first mistake!
I just called them for the second time and had to leave a message of course. Oh well good thing I have a high tolerance to pain.
Prayers have been paying off. We found a place for the kids in Utah. That is a burden off my shoulders. Now lets pray that the sale of the farm in Warden goes smoothly and that someone will buy the house in Redmond. I just want to consolidate. Mike could deal with accounts all over and different properties. It is too much for me. I am trying to make it easier for my non financial brain!
I am kind of rambling today because my mind is scattered. I have been trying to finish thank-yous and put away all the stuff from the funeral. It is not that it should take this long, but if you have ever been through this it is hard and sometimes painful. I was looking on line at old e-mails between Mike and I last night. Some where fun and others were hard to read. When he took himself off his medication last December, he thought he felt better but he got agitated easily. That wasn't normal for Mike and it was one of the things that tipped me off to know something was wrong. He wrote a few mean e-mails to me at that time which was really out of character for him. I now understand why and I'm not bitter; I just can't get myself to delete them. Maybe it is because it makes me feel hurt again and feeling hurts is better then feeling nothing. Maybe it helps me to feel justified when I was upset with him so that I don't think it was my fault for his pain and given up hope. The mind is an amazing thing. We allow it do so much to heal and so much to hurt ourselves. Anyway, I am rambling. it is my way of getting out of doing what I have to. Pay bills and write thank-you notes.
By the way, my sister-in-law gave me a book she compiled with all of the messages our friends wrote about Mike. It was really nice to read. It reminded me of the good man he was and how much he did for others. I wish more people could be like Mike, well at least the Mike without depression. That Mike was fun to be with.
I just called them for the second time and had to leave a message of course. Oh well good thing I have a high tolerance to pain.
Prayers have been paying off. We found a place for the kids in Utah. That is a burden off my shoulders. Now lets pray that the sale of the farm in Warden goes smoothly and that someone will buy the house in Redmond. I just want to consolidate. Mike could deal with accounts all over and different properties. It is too much for me. I am trying to make it easier for my non financial brain!
I am kind of rambling today because my mind is scattered. I have been trying to finish thank-yous and put away all the stuff from the funeral. It is not that it should take this long, but if you have ever been through this it is hard and sometimes painful. I was looking on line at old e-mails between Mike and I last night. Some where fun and others were hard to read. When he took himself off his medication last December, he thought he felt better but he got agitated easily. That wasn't normal for Mike and it was one of the things that tipped me off to know something was wrong. He wrote a few mean e-mails to me at that time which was really out of character for him. I now understand why and I'm not bitter; I just can't get myself to delete them. Maybe it is because it makes me feel hurt again and feeling hurts is better then feeling nothing. Maybe it helps me to feel justified when I was upset with him so that I don't think it was my fault for his pain and given up hope. The mind is an amazing thing. We allow it do so much to heal and so much to hurt ourselves. Anyway, I am rambling. it is my way of getting out of doing what I have to. Pay bills and write thank-you notes.
By the way, my sister-in-law gave me a book she compiled with all of the messages our friends wrote about Mike. It was really nice to read. It reminded me of the good man he was and how much he did for others. I wish more people could be like Mike, well at least the Mike without depression. That Mike was fun to be with.
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
"How Can We Help You?"
It has been almost 4 months now since Mike's passing. The number one question I still get asked is, "what can we do to help you?" My response is normally, "I don't know." Well I have been thinking about that a lot lately. How can people help me that really want to help me? I found an answer. PRAY
Pray that my house in Redmond will sell so I don't have to keep making $3000 monthly payments on an empty house. (It is eating my $$$ fast)
Pray that we can find a place for Marie & Chris to move to in Utah. They start school in Salt Lake the first of January.
Pray that Jeffrey will continue to do well in college and be strong.
Pray that I will be able to figure out how to maintain this house and get it ready for winter.
But most IMPORTANT:
PRAY FOR RACHEL. This year has been hard on her. She often feels alone and without friends. This age is tough for a teenage under normal circumstances. Add moving to a new area and school, losing her father, not making friends easily due to shyness, anxiety attacks, etc, and it equals a very unhappy teenager. I talked to her last night about things she could do different to change what is happening around her but we all know how difficult it is to change ourselves. To other people, Mike's passing was a sad moment in their life but for all of us especially Rachel, we re-live it daily. Something is always there to trigger a memory or a future lost occasion. I wish I could give Rachel my outgoing personality, talkative mouth or optimistic outlook but I can't. All I can do is pray for her and give her hope for a brighter future. That is how others can also help us, just pray.
Pray that my house in Redmond will sell so I don't have to keep making $3000 monthly payments on an empty house. (It is eating my $$$ fast)
Pray that we can find a place for Marie & Chris to move to in Utah. They start school in Salt Lake the first of January.
Pray that Jeffrey will continue to do well in college and be strong.
Pray that I will be able to figure out how to maintain this house and get it ready for winter.
But most IMPORTANT:
PRAY FOR RACHEL. This year has been hard on her. She often feels alone and without friends. This age is tough for a teenage under normal circumstances. Add moving to a new area and school, losing her father, not making friends easily due to shyness, anxiety attacks, etc, and it equals a very unhappy teenager. I talked to her last night about things she could do different to change what is happening around her but we all know how difficult it is to change ourselves. To other people, Mike's passing was a sad moment in their life but for all of us especially Rachel, we re-live it daily. Something is always there to trigger a memory or a future lost occasion. I wish I could give Rachel my outgoing personality, talkative mouth or optimistic outlook but I can't. All I can do is pray for her and give her hope for a brighter future. That is how others can also help us, just pray.
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
Random Thoughts
I drove some church youth over to Seattle last Saturday. We had a blast, but there were lots of old memories too. We went to our church's Temple in Seattle and it just felt different without Mike being there. A bit lonely and sad, but thanks to my beliefs I know we will see him again someday.
My first college degree was an AA in pre-family counseling. Kind of ironic when I think about it. I have always been better at helping others with their issues then working on my own! Isn't life funny! Anyway, I have dealt with a lot of loss due to death in my life. I had a good friend in high school die in a car accident, I lost three of my grandparents while in my teens. I lost my dad who I was very close to, when I was 22, then both Mike's parents died that same year. Then my grandma that I was named after died at the age of 101 in 2002. I sang at her funeral as well as my dad's. I was able to due this because of my belief of eternal life. It isn't the end to me when someone dies. It is sad, hard, and lonely but that is just for those of us left behind on earth.
I guess what I am thinking is that death is not a new experience to me. I feel like I am on track with handling Mike's death the same way I have handled the deaths of my loved ones in the past. No, the past experiences were not as imtamently as close as a husband, but it is the same grieving process. One professional I talked to said I have a great 'gift and understanding' to process all this the way I do. I am glad I have been blessed to be a positive and obtmistic person.
I haven't had a big emotional breakdown, but I usually don't. I release my tears slowly over a long period of time, little by little. I talk about Mike's passing easily to friends and strangers. It is not hard for me to understand why he thought the way he did when he took his life. I lived with him for 27 years, I knew how he often felt. It saddens me that I wasn't there for him in his darkest hour. The letter he left shows his great love for his family and friends.
You will never find answers in the "what ifs..." so why try to? I don't need those answers. I need to know what to do for my future and the kids future. I live in the present and cherish the past.
So when you look at the big overall picture, I am doing pretty good. The everyday things like, weeding, painting the trim, mowing, figuring out the heater, car problems, paying the bills, etc that Mike used to take care of can be frustrating but that is because I don't like doing them or I dont' understand them. That can be overwhelming but honestly that is an attitude ajustment on my part and a new learning experience. Thank you for all your caring and love. It also is a great strength and help in moving forward with my life.
My first college degree was an AA in pre-family counseling. Kind of ironic when I think about it. I have always been better at helping others with their issues then working on my own! Isn't life funny! Anyway, I have dealt with a lot of loss due to death in my life. I had a good friend in high school die in a car accident, I lost three of my grandparents while in my teens. I lost my dad who I was very close to, when I was 22, then both Mike's parents died that same year. Then my grandma that I was named after died at the age of 101 in 2002. I sang at her funeral as well as my dad's. I was able to due this because of my belief of eternal life. It isn't the end to me when someone dies. It is sad, hard, and lonely but that is just for those of us left behind on earth.
I guess what I am thinking is that death is not a new experience to me. I feel like I am on track with handling Mike's death the same way I have handled the deaths of my loved ones in the past. No, the past experiences were not as imtamently as close as a husband, but it is the same grieving process. One professional I talked to said I have a great 'gift and understanding' to process all this the way I do. I am glad I have been blessed to be a positive and obtmistic person.
I haven't had a big emotional breakdown, but I usually don't. I release my tears slowly over a long period of time, little by little. I talk about Mike's passing easily to friends and strangers. It is not hard for me to understand why he thought the way he did when he took his life. I lived with him for 27 years, I knew how he often felt. It saddens me that I wasn't there for him in his darkest hour. The letter he left shows his great love for his family and friends.
You will never find answers in the "what ifs..." so why try to? I don't need those answers. I need to know what to do for my future and the kids future. I live in the present and cherish the past.
So when you look at the big overall picture, I am doing pretty good. The everyday things like, weeding, painting the trim, mowing, figuring out the heater, car problems, paying the bills, etc that Mike used to take care of can be frustrating but that is because I don't like doing them or I dont' understand them. That can be overwhelming but honestly that is an attitude ajustment on my part and a new learning experience. Thank you for all your caring and love. It also is a great strength and help in moving forward with my life.
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