Old and New

This starts out with a post I wrote at Christmas time but didn't post due to the loss of my friends son. I just found it in my drafts so I will start with it and then add an update!!!
Dec 23
There is so much on my mind tonight and it is very late so I hope this makes sense. It has been a nice Christmas season for me. I enjoyed being a part of the high school's "Winter Wishes" that helped grant Christmas wishes to students. I loved seeing their faces and the joy the gifts brought at the assembly. It always helps bring the Christmas spirit when you give. We also had a lot of fun on "Cookie Day" making tons of cookies. We ended up with 24 plates with 6 varieties of goodies on them and still a ton of left over to eat! Amazingly I have not gained any pounds. It is also fun just having all my kids home. They are so cool and just fun to be with. I am so glad we are as close as we are and I hope that never changes.
I am sad to say that it has been hard for Rachel to get into the Christmas spirit. She just doesn't feel like it is Christmas. She has tried to do things for others and go to Christmas activities but it just isn't helping. I know that any holidays are very difficult for her now without her dad. On this one I just don't know what to tell her or how to help her.

Dec 27
Well the holidays are turning out great and Rachel is enjoying it much better then most holidays due to a fine young man who has made her feel like a princess. I am glad she has such good friends. I don't think I have seen her laugh and smile so much in the last year. It is really nice to see.

Jan 21
Well, I have actually avoided my blog a bit. I don't know why I do that. Either nothing really to write or I can't get the words out I want to write. The New Year has been good so far. I have had lots of work. I am even taking on a M-Th full time job in the library at the high school May and June. Someone is going on maternity leave. That way I can make the money we need to go to France this summer and visit our exchange student. She will provide housing so we just need travel money. That should be an adventure. I hope it will work out that we can go. I have some enormous bills to take care of first but the money I need is tied up. So we will just hope for the best.
I feel like I am living in a constant blur right now. I am doing so much but nothing well. I get things done at the last minute and rush around all the rest the time. I think I am ready for a break. Maybe I won't work next week! I have really enjoyed the substituting I am doing. I definitely have my favorite spots to work! Still spend most of my time with teenagers. Adult buddies are hard to find. Everyone is too busy! I miss my old lunch group and buddies in Redmond. I miss companionship. So staying busy is a good thing I guess.

Lots Of Emotions To Work Through During the Holidays

Sometimes when things get too emotional for me, I can't get on here and write for awhile.  I have to process my feelings so I can deal with them. The holidays were a roller coaster of emotions. It has been fun to have Jeffrey home from college and the kids all home together. We have a ton of fun together and they lift my spirits more then they know. Lots of late nights, games and piling into my bed. Rachel usually has the hardest time with holidays but this year a sweet young man made it the best ever. He came over Christmas Eve with a gift and asked her to be his girlfriend... (AWW, so sweet) When she open the rest of the gift the next day there was a card that said something like "one piece of paper is not enough to list all your wonderful qualities so I will just list the top 10!" He went on to list some of the sweetest things like how her smile brightens his day and how she is so kind to everyone. How could you not fall in like/love with a guy like that! My only comment was were are all the 50 year old guys like that!!! Anyway he was a great distraction for her from the sadness of the holidays.

I also took 8 teens over to Redmond for a epicenter dance on New Years (about 600 teens.) We started the day with ice skating, then Nurf wars, volleyball and pizza. Then the dance. It was all fun until I dropped them off at the dance at 9:30. That is when I drove to Factoria Mall and tried going to a 30+ single adult dance at the Mall. I have decided that going to a dance, to dance, is the worst for me. Mike and I were great dancers and standing on the sidelines feeling like a piece of meat being checked over sucks. I danced one song and the guy realized he was about 15 years younger then me! I guess I really don't look my age! Anyway, that was enough and I had to get out of there. I am finding that it is easier for me to surround myself with teenagers then it is adults. (sorry adult friends...) It is alright with my good adult friends I know well, but over here at the new place, I hang out more with teenagers. So I left the dance quickly and a bit angry at Mike for leaving me and allowing me to be alone. I did spend 25 minutes at my friends house playing a game before I headed out to get the kids. So as the clock struck midnight I found myself alone in the car driving back up to Lynnwood to pick up the kids and listening to songs that made me sad. I decided people shouldn't be alone during times like that. The next morning we headed home so that I could prepare all the food for another dance here in Sequim. That was fun because I kept busy in the kitchen (with the teens) and went out to dance occasionally with my son or the teens! I really am beginning to think I don't do well with other adults! Maybe it is because all my friends have spouses and I feel like a third wheel.Or maybe being around other couples is hard. I don't know, I am still trying to figure all that out.
I try to push through things for the kids so that it appears nothing is affecting me, but it does. The busier I stay the less time I have to think, but there are still a lot of times when I am alone with my thoughts and it is tough.
Having my dear dear friend lose her 24 year old son to suicide over the holidays was not easy but it isn't about me this time. She didn't even call me until the 26th because she didn't want to ruin my Christmas. Now it is my turn to be there for her. I knew I had to go to the funeral to support her. It was the first one I have gone to in the last year. I have chose not to go to others. It was hard but like I said it isn't about me this time. Having gone through what I have you would think I would know what to do or say but I didn't. Healy is so much like me. She is back at work today trying to move forward. She is very strong but yet has a very tender heart right now.  My love goes out to her and her family.
One of these days I am going to write my book and figure out how to get out there as a motivation speaker mainly for the youth but to anyone who thinks life isn't worth living. Maybe if I helped one person it could help my healing move forward faster...

WHY

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nd-2EkA4LgI

Healy and Family My Heart Goes Out To You

I started a post about my week and the holidays but I will hold on to it for a day or so. Right now my mind is full and spinning. Depression is all around us and at some point in life it will personally touch us. What is sad and often hard to understand is when depression snatches a loved one from us due to suicide. Having been down that road, I wish no one else would have to go through it.
Healy, my dear friend and co-worker in Redmond lost her son Wednesday. He couldn't handle the battle any longer. I understand it so much, yet I don't. Amazing how I have been through what she is now going through yet I didn't know what to say to her.
When something like this happens you cry a lot. At first it is over the loss. Then you cry when you tell people not necessarily because you are hurting but you feel sad for the person hearing it for the first time. Suddenly we really need to have faith that what we believe about God is real. We need to have hope that our loved one is in a better place and that God will understand the pain they were in and now help us through our pain. 
Suicide is never the best answer but all of us will be touched by it at some time in our life. It is hard to know what to say. It is often hard to keep going on without them. The future can be unpredictable as to when your emotions will just flow and when you can control them. Holidays are difficult. Life is never the same when you lose a loved one, but when it is suicide it is so hard to understand the why.  Most of the time I do well with the "what if's and if I'd only" but they can still creep in and haunt you. There is nothing you can go back and do after the fact so I work hard at staying away from the "what if's." It is so hard. My love and heart goes out to the Landis family. I love you Healy and want you to know Aaron was a great young man. He is in Heavenly Fathers care now and will be fine. It is those of us left behind that need to lean on each other for support. I am here for you Healy and always will be. Aaron will be missed.

The hip pain has subsided and I am starting to feel normal again! The doctor used a spinal needle and went all the way to the bone and injected another cortisone shot. They told me it would be painful for the first 24 hours. I don't think they realized the pain I was in because I was getting relief within a few hours. For once the pain wasn't constant.  I almost feel like a wuss for complaining about it because it was just bursitis, but it was having a major impact on my life. I have been sleeping better and only have mild pain when I over do it. They are going to start physical therapy again also. So the good news is I am in a lot less pain even if it isn't gone completely. I can live with this.
On another note, life has been busy with the Christmas season. If there is one thing I have learned, it is if you want the Christmas Spirit you have to be willing to give. I have found so much enjoyment giving this year. The real joy comes when you can do it annoymously. The high school has a "Winter Wishes" assembly where they try to grant student's wishes. Some are silly others are heart breaking. It was a great experience to be able to help the ASB with some of the wishes. It has really shown me again how blessed I am. Sometimes some of the best gifts you can give are free: a listening ear, a hug, a smile, a kind word or any kind act. I hope everyone takes the time in this busy season of rushing around everywhere to stop and help someone.
I have tried to start new traditions this year and even bought all new tree decorations. I just felt I needed to move on and break away from the old. Rachel is having a difficult time feeling the Christmas spirit. I'm not sure how to help her. Recently when she was home alone for a few hours, she wrote on her facebook status: "I swear I just heard him walking down the hall...I hate those sounds that trigger memories. :( "  She keeps herself so busy so she won't have to think. I took down a picture of Mike to put up Christmas decorations and the next day I found it back up. She is not ready to move on in some ways. I am.

Trying to Smile Through the Pain

 So I have dealt with pain; spiritual, emotion and physical. I usually push through it and come out smiling. I am about at the end of my tolerance for the pain I am having now. I have a very high tolerance for pain so this is very unusual for me. I have been dealing with this on and off bursitis for awhile now. This time I had 3 weeks of straight level 8-10 pain. Then I received a cortisone shot and it lowered the pain but didn’t really work well this time.


I have been to physical therapy, tried massages, had 2 MRI’s and an x-ray, used flexor patches, taken vicodin, used heat pads and I even bought an ultra sound device that penetrates heat into the hip. All this and I have had very little relief. I can tell because it is getting harder to smile and hide the pain. People are noticing so that tells me I am not dealing well with it anymore!

Today I have another appointment with a specialist and my regular doctor says it may be more then bursitis in my hip. The MRI on my back showed some irregularities in the lower back area. That is the area that took the brunt of our rollover car accident in 2002. So maybe we will get to the bottom of this. Walking can get so painful sometimes.

Yesterday my youngest asked me to bring her something. In my mind I was thinking ‘get it yourself’ but I painfully got it anyway. I am afraid one of these days I am going to snap and yell at someone. This is so not like me. Maybe I have just hit the limit of pain a person can handle in one year! To rephrase a movie quote in my own words, "Just keep smiling, just keep smiling."

What A Difference A Few Days Makes!

It is amazing to me how each day can be so different. Things are going much better. I believe Rachel is finally adjusting to all the changes. Change is difficult for her; actually I think change is difficult for both girls in different ways. As for me, spontaneity is the spice of life! Contention in the home is the pits. Fortunately our home has been blessed with a lot more laughter then arguing. We have had a lot of laughter and for the kids being so spread out, it seems they get along pretty good most the time.

Yesterday the two girls made ginger bread houses together. I think they had a fun time and both houses turned out great. Rachel seems to have a good time with Ethan too, but a bad day at school can change everything for her very quickly. Speaking of school, I am on my lunch break right now at the school. Today I am teaching Biology and Leadership. Not that I really get to teach… the life of a sub is really to supervise a classroom of students attempting to misbehave for the sub while watching a movie or filling out a worksheet. Not much teaching happens with a classroom sub job. I am pretty easy going, so I enjoy it and the extra spending money is always a plus. Surprisingly I will get to finish the last hour of the day in the health class. It would normally be my free hour but that's alright.

One thing that has been reinforced several times this week in a variety of different ways is that you will never please everyone. It is impossible. Someone will always be disappointed, upset, unimpressed, or just negative. And you know what, that is there problem not mine. If I do the best I can do at something, then so be it. I work with a youth group and it seems there is always someone wanting things different. I had one parent tell me things weren’t “fun” enough and then a few months later they said they weren’t “spiritual” enough!!! Make up your mind. The program is for the youth and should be run by the youth. It is also amazing to me how negative kids can be about an activity when usually one of the kids in the group suggested it. I don't think they realize that someone else really wanted to do the activity and by making fun of it or not participating in it they could easily hurt someone's feelings.

Another example of not pleasing everyone could be as easy yet frustrating as deciding on a dinner menu. There is always someone who won't like what you fixed. Guess what? That is there problem, not yours. If I can stay focused on that, I have a much better attitude and a better day. Sometimes it takes me awhile to process everything, but at the end of the day, it is usually not my problem. I think that is one reason why last week was so hard. I'd forgotten my own rule and was taking everything personally. Glad to see I am back on the right track. Thanks to everyone who helped me through the week with all your kind words.

Somedays It Is Hard To Climb On Top Of All The Crap To See The Sun

Yesterday I just wanted to crawl into a small warm cave and listen to loud music so I didn't have to think. To much on my mind. I am trying to process it all but I am slow at processing. Writing has always been helpful, so I will give it a try. I just hope people aren't judgmental with some of the things I write because it is truly how I feel at the moment it is penned.  Thank goodness we can change our minds later.
It has been a tough week. Rachel and I are adjusting to having Marie and Ethan with us. I adjust a lot easier then Rachel, so I have to be the almighty peace keeper in the home. Marie has depression and Rachel has anxiety. Not a great combination for one person, but for two people living together. . . lets just say I get exhausted. Part of Rachel's anxiety causes her to want a perfect environment around her: clean house, order to everything, little money spent, basically no bumps in the road that she isn't expecting or it throws her. With depression a clean home, order and not spending money are . . . well not the first thing on the persons mind. I have to say that Marie is doing a good job at trying to stay on top of things and Rachel is trying to adjust to the changes, but it takes time and during that time emotions get high.
One example from last week is when Marie and I took Chris to the airport. After arriving home Marie didn't want to be left alone. Rachel, on the other hand, had stayed home all day and needed to get out. She wanted me to take her to a movie. I said, okay one wants me to stay and one wants me to go what am I supposed to do. Rachel blurted out, "stay with Marie she is the princess."  Interestingly enough Rachel and I went to a movie...  Rachel's coping skill is to make snide little comments under her breath, but they can be very painful and rude comments. All of us have been sick to one degree or another, Rachel's voice teacher was a real jerk to us last week, and with the silent frustration going on around here, I just finally needed MY TIME. 
So the closest thing I have to a cave is my bedroom and office. So I locked myself in and cranked up the music. Loud music is one of my coping skills.  It drowns out all the thoughts.
Then I lost it. I was so angry at Mike for leaving me with all this to do alone. I actually hated him for it. Trying to keep myself busy I started looking for things and couldn't find anything. Passports were misplaced, bills I needed to pay and I couldn't find the paperwork to get a cemetery marker on Mike's grave. So here I am locked in my room, alone, trying to deal and not let anyone see me like this. Angry, alone, frustrated, crying, confused and lost in my loud music when Marie lets me know that Rachel is crying.
So I stop my breakdown to go deal with Rachel's. Of course she is not talking to me at the moment, which by the way, was the driving nail that sent me over the edge.  She is looking at a picture of Mike, crying, missing him and wanting him. I am so mad at him I just want to tell her what a jerk he was for leaving us. So I sit quietly with her until she is better and goes off on her own.
Meanwhile, I am angry at Mike but also feeling guilty that I have never put a marker on his grave after 1 1/2 years. So I guess for now I am still trying to climb up that hill of crap so I can see the sun creep through at the top.

Sunday would have been Mike's 53rd birthday. I got through it mostly by not thinking about him or mentioning it to anyone. Thanksgiving was fine, we had it Wednesday because my son-in-law has to start his long flight back to Iraq on Thanksgiving Day. We put up all the Christmas decorations while he was here because I can't do it myself. (Not good with heights) Anyway, I bought all new tree stuff so we are starting some new traditions. We had the same tree style and decor for the last 27 years so I wanted something new. For our first fake tree, it is actually beautiful. My kids don't like fake, but it is easier for me. So we are set for Christmas now too. I hope I can sit back and enjoy the season.

I don't know how I would get through life if I couldn't write out my thoughts. Funny, I was never good at keeping a journal. This blog really has been a life savor to me in getting through the last year and a half. I have to think a lot before I process things fully. Which means the situation I am dealing with is often over before I think of a good way to handle it. Lots of people ask me for advice too. I wish I could give them better answers then I do.

I had to deal with someone recently that broke my daughter's heart. Not in a relationship way, just an adult that said some uncalled for things about one of my daughter's talents. He was wrong and it was really uncalled for. I was there when it happened and didn't even know how to respond or what to say. It took me by surprise and it also took me all night to process what had happened. I finally figured out how to respond appropriately and not rudely.  To bad I didn't responded to him at the time. The hardest part was trying to convince my daughter that he was wrong, while she cried in my arms for an hour. I really hope I have never said anything so foolish that it deeply hurt someone.

We need to spend more time reinforcing the good in people rather then focusing on negative things. Life is hard enough so don't make it even harder on yourself or others.

Looking into my grandson's big, loving, trusting eyes just makes me melt. If I had one wish this Christmas season it would be that everyone who reads this does something wonderful for another person that they normally wouldn't help. Just imagine how many people we could touch. Start with a smile and a kind word!

?

If they celebrate birthdays in Heaven, Happy Birthday Mike...

A Blog By A Depressed Person

I recently read Eric D. Snider's web page (thank you Dave) and found it interesting and humorous. It might help some of you realize what it is like for a depressed person. He describes things very well. Having said that some might find his graphic pictures a bit offensive. But what he describes might help you understand life for a depressed person.

http://www.ericdsnider.com/snide/the-great-depression/

Correction, Updates and Memories!

I need to correct myself. After a friend apologized for some suggestions she made I realized I may have intimidated friends from wanting to suggests anything to me! That is not what I meant. I appreciate wholeheartedly the ideas, books, medical info and stuff that has been given me. I still may not follow it, but I do appreciate it. What drives me crazy are the suggestions that come with "you are under stress and not thinking clearly you have to do this..." or "I don't think you can handle this maybe you should...." It is the comments or suggestions that are given with the attitude that they know better then I do because I am under to much stress or pressure. I actually perform better under pressure most of the time. So please don't take what I said wrong and be afraid to suggest books, doctors, supplements, and other ideas. I had a person tell me after Mike's death that I didn't know how to grieve properly because I wasn't do what he thought I should be doing. I am the one coping well and he is still trying to understand and figure out why his family member took their life years ago. So I am sorry if I offended anyone with my previous post.
As for the update, Chris arrived safely from Iraq for a short emergency leave. We had a conference call family meeting and Marie discussed with us her "plan of action." She talked about what she needed to change in her live, goals she was setting and all kinds of stuff that she had to fill out in a workbook before she could be released. After hearing her take responsibility for her actions and future Chris and I were able to give added opinion. The hospital made sure she had a plan. She is sounding great and we are hoping that her new meds will kick in quickly. I was very pleased with how they handled her case. It made me very sad to think about when I hospitalized Mike in the psychiatric ward at the University of Washington in 2000. They had him do some of the same activities but added pointless art activities. They never had me involved with anything and I was never talked to by his doctors. Maybe I am forgetting something but I remember coming away from his hospital stay feeling like "what do I do with him now?" With Marie we have a plan, we were involved in the discussion of it and her doctor's seemed to rely heavily on the support of the family. I wish I would have had that with Mike.

It Will Not Happen In My Family Again!

Things I have learned:

• I will not allow the disease of depression to take another family member without putting up a major fight.
• No one has ever been in the exact situation I am in so thanks for the advice, but honestly you don't know what is best, I do. I do appreciate suggestions, advice, talking and stuff, but I don't have to follow it. Right now I am in control, I do know what I am doing, and I am thinking clearly and in the best interest of my family.
  
• No doctor is going to shut me down and not listen. I proved that this weekend and they actually thanked me after they listened. They could also tell that I knew what I was talking about and that I am capable of dealing with the current situation.
  

Having said all that, I better explain where those comments are coming from. My daughter Marie also suffers from depression. Although hers is very different from my husband, it is also the same. Where Mike would surround himself with positive things, service and good music, Marie has always surrounded herself with depressing music and negative things.

Her medicine was changed in September and never worked. So she was hitting a major low. I talked her into going back to her doctor last week and he gave her a new prescription but she never filled it. I called her most mornings to make sure she was up and taking care of Ethan. Her life revolves around Ethan right now so she was doing the best she could. I bought the house she lives in and made sure Jeffrey moved in downstairs to keep tabs on things when Chris is gone. I have had a plan from the day Marie moved to Utah.
Jeffrey came home Saturday night to find Marie unconscious on the kitchen floor from taking too many sleeping pills. She did not want to die; she just wanted to sleep away the pain. Now some people may say, "what was she thinking." May I correct you, she wasn't thinking. If I have learned one thing about this disease, it keeps the mind captive from thinking. Consequences of your actions is not part of their thought process. The pain she was talking about was not physical it is mental and when your meds are not working you cannot see a light at the end of the tunnel.
Jeffrey called 911 and Marie was taken to the hospital. This was my first encounter with doctors because Marie wasn't conscious to sign a form allowing information to be released to me. They did finally listen to my information even though they couldn't give me info. Naturally it helped them. I had to deal with flights, Red Cross, getting info to her husband in Iraq, etc.
Marie is fine and stable and is being treated in a psychiatric ward. This is a good thing. I put Mike through hospitalization once and it was very helpful. I did a 24 hour flight there and home. I got to see her and she will pull though this. She feels ashamed and stupid, but like I said she was not thinking. I brought Ethan back with me so he can be taken care of. I have ALWAYS had a major problem with child protective services (what a joke) so I told Jeffrey that until I got there if anyone showed up they needed a search warrant to step in my house! So Ethan is with me and having fun. He loves it here with the big yard and dog. He gets to talk to his mommy by phone daily. When Marie is released, she will be living under my care. We will have a controlled environment for her. Part of that will be designed to teach her to take better care of herself and Ethan.
What I have learned from the last few years is that I have an amazing network of friends. I am thankful for all your prayers and love. I am thankful for those who thought for me when I was foggy. Thanks for the rides, packing, talking, food, prayers, and for being a part of my life.

Weeks of Joy and Pain (literally!)

Life has been a lot of fun lately but there is always something that tries to pull you down.

On the good side of life, our foreign exchange student that came from France last February for three weeks is here to visit again! It is her school break and she wanted to come see us so her parents bought her plane ticket as a birthday gift! We are so excited to have Alice here again. We love her as if she was part of the family. She was suffering from jet-luge on Saturday but went to our school homecoming dance anyway. Some of the teachers didn't know who she was and they thought she was drunk because she fell asleep on a chair!!!!!!!! It was pretty funny. Rachel looked amazing for Homecoming. Someone said she looked like Rita Hayworth, I had to show her who that was! Jeremie and Rachel had a wonderful time at the dance and looked great together. I am so glad Rachel has and keeps such high standards for herself.

I strongly believe in teaching them correct principles and then letting them govern themselves whenever possible. With Rachel she makes good choices and never pushes the limits. Actually I can say that about all my kids, for the most part. ;-)
I think Heavenly Father knew I would be a single parent someday and blessed me with children that would be a joy to raise. When you consider I have been a parent for 25 years, it is amazing the few problems we have run into. I truly love, trust and adore my kids and make sure I am involved in their lives without being over bearing. They have been taught to wear modest clothing, with the exception of uniforms for sports, dancing, etc. With those they wear them when required then change when they are done.

I see all the different types of lifestyles that are out there in the schools and it is amazing our kids can even survive sometimes. I often work with students that are in "in-school suspension" and whenever possible I talk to them about what they want in life and where they are heading. It is amazing how many do not realize that what they do today will play a big part on what their tomorrow will look like. It is appalling how many kids do not get direction or support from their home and families.

Do to my situation in life, it has made it easy to open my home for parties and movie nights. We keep them clean, fun, alcoholic and drug free. We are even being more careful on the movies we show. Kids need more of that environment. They know even at school not to swear around me. I try to give them high expectations and they do, for the most part, rise to them. These troubled kids are not even embarrassed to say hi to me around town. There are always some kids who don't care and will blow off any adult that tries to work with them, but I hope if anything, I can show them how to be happy, without added substances, and embrace life while helping others.

Sometimes Rachel gets upset that I am letting kids walk over me. She thinks they take advantage of our food and home. I try to explain that I am giving it freely, they aren't walking over us. None of this "stuff" is truly mine anyway. I can't take it with me. I believe I have been given stewardship over it and giving to others without putting my family in jeopardy is what Christ would do. I do try to be careful so that the kids don't get the idea that it is funner here then at home! So with all the parties, working and friends around life has been a joy.

Now for the pain part... they think I have bursitis in my hip. they have done x-rays and the bones are fine. The doctor ordered an MRI and that was the most painful thing I have done in a long time! I am in the most pain when I lay down at night and when I walk too much. So laying still for 45 minutes and not moving was excruciatingly painful!!! I literally thought I was going to break the metal handle off the bed I was laying on. Put it this way, they put me on Vicodin and it isn't killing the pain. On really painful days I walk around the house with a crutch! I hope they come up with a way to get rid of this so I can go back to exercising. Even the Flexor pain patches don't work anymore. Why is it that when we finally get grounded and have some intelligence our bodies start to fall apart? Why can't I have the body of years ago and the wisdom of now!!! It will all be fine, I just have to figure out what lesson I am supposed to be learning from this experience. Maybe compassion? or patience? or maybe that I am just getting old and can't expect to hang with teenagers forever!!!!

Don't Give Up

One thing I hate the most about depression is how it not only mess up the person with it, but it can and usually does mess up the entire family. Due to my situation, I have had a lot of people talk to me about depression. I have had people suffering from depression as well as family members of those suffering talk to me. I am not an expert or a doctor but I know what I see and what I lived with.
I think that it should be mandatory for a patient suffering with depression to have a healthy person close to the patient designated to attend appointments with them. Patients don't seem to always give the doctor all the information, or they see the doctor on a day they are feeling a bit better. I think I could have given Mike's doctors better information on what was happening and how he sometimes acted. Mike didn't even realize some of the things he was doing, how on earth would he be able to tell a doctor what was going on?
Depression can get so bad for a person they truly don't think straight. All they see surrounds themselves. How the world would be better off without them, how no one really cares about them, or how their friends and family could get along much better without them. In all cases these are incorrect assumptions.
My husband truly felt we would be happier and survive just fine without him. The pain he was suffering was way more then what we would ever suffer with him gone. Some people might even see how well my family is doing and think that this might be true. But it is not. I have a 16 year old that cries when she thinks about the fact that her dad won't be here for her first date let alone her wedding. She has separation anxiety from me because she is afraid I will die and she will be left without a parent. Mike wasn't here to teach her to drive, help her with her math and won't be here to see his grandchildren. There is the pain that it causes my older daughter who suffers from the awful disease of depression. She has seen what it does and doesn't want that to happen to her. There is the scare for my two younger children wonder if they will ever have symptoms of it someday. So I have to be strong, I have to be stable and I have to be a constant study person in their lives.
I have always been a strong independent woman. So I do cope better then most. Mike also made sure that we wouldn't have to struggle too much financially. Most families who lose a loved one from death due to depression aren't as fortunate as I was financially. But who really cares about the money? I would rather have Mike alive then all the money in the world, but even he couldn't see that.
Our marriage wasn't perfect and some times there was a lot of distance between us, but at least we were there for each other most of the time. Now I am alone and I have never felt so lonely in my life. When a marriage is ended like this there is a void that we try to fill with our children, friends or work. I have done that well. My children mean the world to me and I would do anything for them, but there is still void. There is something about a partner that you can't replace with those things.
So no matter how much pain the sufferer of depression is in, it is a false assumption to think the lives of those around you will be better with you gone. A patient diagnosed with cancer will usually fight a hard battle, but for some reason a patient with depression will want to give up. Don't give up. Fight hard and keep looking until you find what will work for you. Don't wait until you are so down you can't hardly get up again. And most of all pray we find a cure. I know I am.