Valentine's Day? Hummmm

So what do you do on this day when there is no one special love of your life? I started first by expanding my "love" circle to my kids and their loves. Sent them all cards to arrive today. Then I went a step further and sent all the high school girls I work with at church a card, just in case no one thought of them as a Valentine. Yesterday, I started to think about my middle school church girls, what if they didn't get anything? So while I was working yesterday, I bought the 'Candy Grams' the middle school was selling and had them delivered to their classes today.

But when Valentine's Day actually came, I laid in bed all morning not wanting to deal with it or with the fact that maybe no one would remember me. Then I had to make an attitude adjustment. This was ridiculous. I got out of bed and started making cupcakes. When they were ready, I drove to my aunt's house and told her she was coming with me. We delivered cupcakes to single friends we both new around town and a few other people we just love. Took us most of the afternoon. Then we went to a late lunch together. As we were getting ready to leave the diner, two of the young men from the high school came in and were waiting for their dates, who just happened to be two of my favorite girls. I teased the boys, gave them a few tips then made one more delivery.

Now I am home, still alone, still somewhat sad, but yet very happy because service helps us to think of others and not dwell so much on ourselves. I learned a lot from the wonderful people Donna and I visited today. Some who may be lonelier then me. I am thankful that somewhere in my life other people taught me to serve. Life is all about choices and attitude adjustments. Today I made a choice to adjust.  Happy Valentine's Day everyone.

Sometimes A Good Cry Can Cleanse the Soul

Today I got on the treadmill and walk/jogged for 45 minutes...in tears.  I wish I could say it was from the pain of exercising but it was not. More like a mind overload or meltdown. Many things are on my mind. What am I doing with my life? Why does everyone let money run his or her lives? Why can't I sleep at night or focus in the daytime? Who am I, no really, what defines me?

I love music; loud, popular music.  I turn it up loud so I don't have to think. It sometimes keeps my mind occupied and off of thinking.  Other times it makes me think too much. I like my eyes and my hair. I hate how I look in pictures because of my weight but that is a never-ending battle. I can be happy with it; it just is not great for attracting guys! (I was smiling and laughing as I typed that) I am religious but often forget to practice what I truly believe.  I love being my own person and doing what I want but ironically I hate being alone.  I believe I would do whatever I could in my power to help a friend or family member.

Right now, my thoughts are focused on letting go of my youngest so she can move into her new marriage stage of life. A friend once told me that you raise them the best you can then let them go and pray they make good choices. I believe all of my children will do just fine.  It was exciting for me to let them go and watch them move into finding their own way. What I did not realize was how hard it would be with the last one. She is ready to move on and I am ready to let her go, but what I did not realize is what the next stage for me is? I am guessing this is when the nurturing mother starts putting more focus back on her husband. Therefore, that leaves me wondering what I am supposed to do.

The best answer I can come up with is get a job so I have a life! Not for the money, but for a life. This brings me back to the topic of "Why does everyone let money run his or her lives?"  If you do not have money, all you think about is what you could do if you had some. Some people will sacrifice everything to gain money. When you do have money, you can easily become a Scrooge so you do not lose it. Money can be "the root of all evil." My mom had $15,000 in cash hidden in her house for a rainy day. She showed me where it was just in case she died before she spent it. It was to go to her 3 children. Well she died before it rained and then her boyfriend took it all so none of it even went to her family like she planned.

Money is one of the things in this life we depend on for survival, but we cannot take with us when we die.  I look at my late husband and wonder what he worked so hard for. For me to live alone in a nice house. Yes, he worked to provide for the kids and me, but he missed so many recitals, plays, fairs, and vacations that I went on with the kids alone.  No one knows how much time he or she has on this earth and money is pointless beyond this life.  Make sure making money does not take over spending time with your family. Being alone has opened my eyes to how much money cannot buy. Maybe that is why I am so bad with budgets and saving money.  Mike did not live long enough to enjoy all his hard work. Is it wrong for me to spend it on my kids and enjoying life now?          
So through tears of confusion I push through my exercising on the treadmill. I am actually smiling and I am happy, but I can also be confused and lonely at the same time. It is life and I will make the best of it, through tears and smiles.

My wonderful family
(minus Marie who loves being behind the camera!)

Life Is Good

So a lot has happened in a few months time! I enjoyed another trip to Hawaii to pick up Rachel from college before Christmas. She vowed it would be my cheapest trip ever and fed me at the campus cafeteria and housed me. Good times. It was fun to meet all her friends and to see her in action working at the Polynesian Cultural Center. Rachel, Chris and I hiked to Makapuu Lighthouse and then Rachel and I later did a hike to the look out on top of Diamond Head. We also had a great time snorkeling at Hanauma Bay. I think the only things I paid for was the flight, rental car, and eating out a few times!

We arrived home and Christmas was upon us. I had so much fun with all of my immediate family home for 2 weeks. We laughed so much playing games and watching movies. It was good to get to know Jeffrey's wife Elaine better and to spend time with my grandson. We had our annual cookie day with a twist...we skyped Chris Ivie and his family and made cookies together. That was like doing a cooking show over the internet! Christmas was a wonderful family time. Jeffrey called after they returned home and said he felt a bit home sick...that actually warms my heart to know he had so much fun he was a bit homesick. It was great to have Chris surprise Rachel and join us for New Years, but you can read that fun story at Rachel's blog: "Fireworks"

The answer to his proposal

Ethan with Santa's cookies and Rudolph's onion

One of our marathon game nights!

After all the excitement and 8 four hour round trips to the airport, everyone went home but Ethan. Ethan and I had a blast playing together for the week. He is so much fun. When the week ended it was time to drive him home to Utah. What a fun week that was too! My friend Christy drove with me so I wouldn't be alone. We spent the time down there running around planning Rachel's wedding and reception. (you must read her blog above!) It was great.  By the time we were ready to head home we were dodging snow storms but we made it. There was one scary moment when I had to guide Christy, who was driving, by the snow measurement poles on the side of the road. That was heading into Pendleton where the ice storm was hitting and we stopped for the night.

Now I am home and trying to get back on top of everything, but I had to stop and be thankful for all I have. My wonderful children and their spouses. My fun grandson who broke my heart when I told him I was leaving to go home and he said, "Don't you love me anymore?" My dear friends who love me even with my short comings, the wonderful youth in Sequim, and my wonderful caring co-workers at the school, have all left me a better person. May this New Year bring the joy of peace and happiness into your lives no matter the challenges life throws at you. Keep smiling, I know I will be.

Lesson's Learned

I have been thinking a lot about what I have learned over the last 3 years. There have been good and bad lessons learned. I have learned you will get hurt many times trying to find love again. It makes it hard to open your heart but I believe there is still hope. I have learned just because someone is your friend does not mean you can't trust them with your money. I have also learned that even at my age, some men don't understand no and will try to take advantage of you. No one I went out with, just a dirty old man; somethings never change.
There have also been some good things I have learned. My children are my rock. My extended family is so supportive. My girlfriends are amazing. And even with the bad lessons, I may cry for hours or days, but I can smile, forgive and slowly move on. That is the main thing I have learned. Smile, forgive and move on.

A World Of Opportunities

What a world of opportunities I have in front of me! I cannot say enough, how fun it was to participate in the Global Women's Summit in Los Angeles last weekend. It helped me to realize how to make a few of my dreams come true; very empowering! I met so many wonderful and talented women with such diverse occupations, dreams and skills, but yet all very similar in many ways. It has put me back on track with writing my book too! I have three manuscripts that have been proofed and now I am merging them together to glean the best finished product to get published.
I really appreciate all the support and guidance people have given me. The youth around me are so wonderful! We need to applauded them more often for the amazing things they do. I am thankful so many youth are a part of my life. It has been a pleasure serving the youth at church and at school. In our crazy world they are shinning stars.
The other day when my youngest was have a tough day I sent her a text saying, "You are my sunshine on cloudy days!" and she wrote back, "You are my cup of hot chocolate when my soul gets cold." When she posted it on facebook, she wrote, "I have the best mother in the world."  For the record, I have the best kids in the world and I love them dearly. We need more love in the world. So after you read this, go tell someone you love them. Smile at a stranger, wave to a neighbor, and be polite while driving. All these little things make the world a better place, one person, one deed at a time. So if you are reading this, I love you too!

Now, It Is Finally About Me...For the Most Part!

So I have been living alone for 2 months now for the first time in my life...ever! Again the question is constantly posed to me, "How are you doing?" I like to respond with, "Fine. Have you seen the movie, The Italian Job?" For those of you who haven't seen this movie, fine stands for F-freaked out, I-insecure, N-neurotic and E-emotional! Now having said that, aren't we all a bit 'fine?'  I will admit that I spent the last three years taking care of my kids first and now that I am alone, the first few weeks I broke down and cried more then normal.

After dropping off Rachel at school in Hawaii last July, it took one week of being home alone to go stir crazy! I packed the car and went to California. That was an amazing trip. I traveled where I wanted, when I wanted and saw people and places I wanted to see. This past summer I para-sailed, cave swam, zip lined, rode horses, inter-tubed behind a boat, hiked to a waterfall, road a 1,570 ft sky lift above the Redwoods, hiked to a sea lion cave and played in the Pacific Ocean off of Hawaii, Oregon, and California! I had some great times with special people and great times alone. I even did some grave hunting and found the 1943 grave of my half brother who died as an infant. It was unmarked so I am having a simple marker put on it. I doubt if anyone will ever see it but me, if I get back to Eureka, but it felt good to not leave him in an unmarked grave. It was a great summer.

I was home for a week and again ready to go stir crazy, but then school stated and I worked a little and life settled down. It is really quiet here, sometimes I lay awake all night wondering how to make myself fall asleep.  I do still have fun. It only takes 5 minutes to set up the huge wall screen, so alone I still watch movies.  In one day I can go from starting a new puzzle, to working on the computer, exercising, sitting on the new deck in the sun, reading a book, walking the dog, remembering I forgot to eat, working in the yard (yep, I really do), getting in the hot tub and even cleaning up things every now and then. Once in awhile, someone will talk me into helping out with something and I feel the love of this great small town.

Having said that, I do know what I want for my future. I know it is not something I will easily find here in this small community.  It took a good friend to point this out to me. The question was asked to me, "How many  dates have you gone on here? How easy is it to meet people your age here?" Both answers were not great! So after much thinking, I am going on a new adventure. I am renting out my house for 4 months and moving into a condo/apartment right in the heart of a big city. My older kids and grandson will be closer but not too close. Now I just need all the details to work out and come together!


When you are my age, there is no point in wasting time. I have said it a million times and I will say it again, people who say, "I will be happy when..." or people who are waiting for something but they don't know what, or people who are trying to get things in order first, are losing precious time. They will always be searching and will never find what they want.  It is now my time and if things aren't happening, I am ready to go out and make them happen.

A Beautiful Tribute

So today I was randomly going through files on the computer and trying to find things I can delete when I came across a poem. At first I thought it was a cool poem written by a daughter to her father, but it just fit uncannily to Mike & Rachel, then I realized it was written by Rachel.  I had never seen this before and she will most likely not be happy with me for sharing it, but I think it is beautiful and shows her deep love for her dad.  

 

My Papa, My Daddy, My Father

You were my light in the dark,

The one that kept me from going astray.

My papa, my daddy, my father,

You raised me in every perfect way.

My daddy was an angel down here below,

 Now he’s an angel up where the winds blow.

Far, far away, yet still close to my heart,

I still can’t believe you chose to part.

To part from me, your little helper,

Your little darling girl.

After you left me at only 15,

Daddy who would be the one

 To pester my dates when

 I turned sweet sixteen?

Who’d be the one to see all my shows?

 Or to give me away on that white wedding day?

I wish you would have stayed.

The note that you left me on your now empty bed,

Said, “Leaving you is one of the hardest parts of my decision to leave”.

As I sit here, wiping my tears on my sleeve,

Cold and numb, wishing you were here to save me from this glum.

You chose to be dead,

To overdose on the only thing that was saving you,

The only thing keeping me with you.

Forget all the troubles,

Forget all the pain.

I will only remember the good times that remain.

Where you would tuck me tightly into bed,

Where you would kiss my forehead and wish me sweet dreams.

No matter what, I love you.

My family is forever,

And I can’t wait to see you…

Once again.

Three Years...

I was running around the house my happy normal self when I looked at the calendar and stopped in my tracks. It hit me that Mike died three years ago today. As a family, we are doing very well but dates like today still just creep up on you.
I recently had a conversation with my youngest who doesn't get real excited if I talk about dating or moving on, so I asked her why. She stated that she didn't ever want to see me get that hurt again. "Again?" I asked. "Do you think your dad hurt me?" We went on to have a nice talk and yes she was right, he did hurt me. It was the kind of hurt that no one should have to go through, but, we are all stronger and moving forward.
I am happy that my oldest is doing well and going back to college. I am proud that she is finding ways to stretch herself and learn. She wears her emotions on her sleeve and it is hard to watch her beat up herself sometimes. She is an amazing woman, wife and mother who has survived a lot. I pray someday she will recognize just how much the Lord really does love her. All her experiences will help her be more compassionate and understanding to others hardships.
As for my son, well since I last wrote he has graduated from college and married a fine young lady. We are all excited for them. They will both work at UofU while he applies to schools for his PhD. I am thankful that he was able to continue his education without financial setbacks. He is still the solid rock of this family. I often turn to him for advice and he is mature way beyond his years.
This was also an exciting year for my youngest. She started high school quiet and shy and finished as the Senior class president! She received numerous scholarships for her high GPA and the School Service Award for all her hard work. This past May she did her last high school show playing a Narrator for Joseph and the Technicolor Dream Coat.  She leaves on July 14th for college in Hawaii...LUCKY. Of course I am taking her to school... She had been my best friend these last years and I will miss her.
So the number #1 question our family is now asked, "What is Grace going to do home alone?" The answer, "I have no idea!"  I knew this day would come and it came really fast. I love my house but the yard work is hard to stay on top of. The community here has been wonderful to us. So for now I am taking one room at a time and de-cluttering it. If it hasn't been used in three years, throw it away. Heck if it hasn't been used in one year throw it away!
Biggest concern? I don't like living alone, but I don't want to rent out space in my house. I don't like not having someone to kill the spiders and scary away the spooks at night. I don't like eating alone, going to church alone or relying on others to fix things I can't do. I don't think I will crash after 3 years of taking care of everyone else, but I will be lonely. At least loneliness is something I can control somewhat.
I have the best kids anyone could ask for. They are all different and unique. They are mine and I love them and they have brought me so much joy. Thanks to everyone who has supported me and my family on this roller coaster of life. It isn't over, just constantly changing.

Closure - For the Most Part

I used this blog after my husband died for my therapy. I did not want to go see a shrink, yet I knew I needed to express my thoughts somewhere at any given moment. Most therapy is short term and mine is over now. I am 100% ready to leave it all behind and look to a new future. There will always be moments in life when memories are strong, pain is deep, or tears will flow, but life is like that. I am happy and my heart is healed. My final goal, with this crazy circumstance that was thrown on me, was to write a book. I did. I don't know if it will ever get picked up by a publisher but it has been sent in. I gave it the Title "Grace Under Pressure," a title an old friend  suggested. Thanks Gene. I have meet my goal and I am ready to stop writing this blog. Maybe someday I will start a new blog. Thanks for all your support and love. You will always find me on facebook!
If the book is ever published, I hope you will read it. There are a few extra chapters in it. If you ever want or need a motivational speaker who has smiled through adversity, let me know.  Motivational speaking is my next big goal!!!
"If you ever become discouraged or feel too weak to continue living...remember the strength you can receive through the enabling power of grace. You can find comfort and assurance in these words of the Lord, 'My grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them'" (Ether 12:27) 

Three Important Lessons

Back in the 70's, I was in the Oakland Temple Pageant and it had a major impact in my life. I think that is when I first realized that the religious things I had been taught from time to time, were real. It was hard to live my life religiously when my family wasn't religious. That was the major decision for leaving home to go to a private church college. Due to those decisions as a teenager, my life started a slow process of change for the better.

I work with the youth in my job and at my church. I really wonder sometimes if they realize

1. how short life really is
2. that what they do now really does matter to their future
3. in the end, very few, if any, friends will be there for them, sometime even family won't be there but our relationship with the Savior will only change if we do, He will always be there

I watch the youth a lot and some absolutely amaze me. Others I worry about. Life is to short to throw away. We all assume we will live long happy lives but that isn't what happens. Good people die young too, and we never know what our future holds. We can hope for cures and a safer world but there will always be new diseases and issues that will affect the world. Bad decisions others make can play a role in our life. What we need to do is learn to love life now. Learn to use the situations we are confronted with to become better people. The statement, "I will be happen when..." needs to be deleted from our vocabulary. Be happy now, do things now that will make your future more enjoyable.

What we do now has a huge affect on our future. The more dishonest you are now the harder it will be to be honest in your future. The attitude one has about morality and dress standards as a youth are usually carried on in life and very hard to change. The work ethic you set in high school and college will most likely be the same as you have for a job or with your family. Positive change is one of the hardest things to succeed in. It is possible, but the older you get, it seems the harder it is to make changes. I can look back in my life and see some of the decisions that I made and how they change the path I was on. Fortunately most of them were good decisions but not all of them.

I am one of the few people that can say my childhood friend has stood by me my entire life. Maybe that is because I am the only 'family' from her past that she has. Friends are important to have but they can often change throughout life. Everyone always says at high school graduation that they will keep in touch but it rarely happens. Fortunately with the internet we can reconnect a lot easier with people. Even families can drift apart, but the one constant is Christ. He doesn't leave or change, we do. It is like the picture of him at the door but he can't come in unless we open it.

Humans are good at rationalizing anything to make it alright. If we practice rationalizing enough, we can truly start to believe ourselves. The theme for our youth at church this year has been around for a long time. This time when it was introduced it really hit me, this is a good motto for life. It gives me hope and yet guidelines to practice bettering myself. I just pray as I work with the youth at church, they will grasp the importance of this theme and use it to better their lives.

“We believe in being honest, true, chaste, benevolent, virtuous, and in doing good to all men; indeed, we may say that we follow the admonition of Paul—We believe all things, we hope all things, we have endured many things, and hope to be able to endure all things. If there is anything virtuous, lovely, or of good report or praiseworthy, we seek after these things” (Articles of Faith 1:13).

Why Is It So Hard As Christians to Forgive?

Triggers, what are they and why do we allow them effect us?  Last week I went to the store 3 times in one day and twice I had to walk out before I would burst into tears. Some days it was better to not be around people at all. Monday was one of those days. I was a basket case and couldn't deal with life. So as to not break down in tears when Christmas carolers showed up, I became defensive, ornery, and a bit unkind. Rachel told her friend that I am not as strong as people sometimes think. She is right. To overcome the weakness of being out of control, sometimes we eventually become cold and numb to life. I sat through an entire Christmas program and felt nothing because I had shut down.
This is when we sometimes do and say stupid things because we have to find something to be in control of. That is about how my week went. The most interesting thing I have relearned from all of this is that no matter how Christian we are, it is hard to follow Christ when it comes to forgiveness. When I come to know I have truly made an error, I do everything I possibly can to correct that error. I try to make amends, I take responsibility for my actions. Sometimes I will even take the blame when I am innocent so others can feel better about their actions. It also brings me peace to know that when I have done all I can and others don't respond, I can turn it all over to the Lord and no longer carry the burden because He will. That is what the atonement is all about. The part that still stings is the gossip and comments of others but I guess that is in where the lessons lie as to not repeat our stupidities. So if anyone out there thinks I have done them wrong and I haven't said anything, it is most likely because I am unaware. It is nice to know we are all human doing the best we can and that we all make mistakes.
I can't say that this Christmas was easy, but due to wonderful friends it was made more enjoyable. My biggest mistake was not surrounding myself with family by leaving here, but we always learn the hard way. It was wonderful for our dear friends in Redmond to invite Rachel and I to have Christmas with them. In some ways it didn't feel like Christmas, but it wasn't painful like being home alone. It is always good to have excited kids around so that it adds to the magic. So again, we are forever indebted to the Munks for their kindness.

If All My Thoughts Were Released Right Now... Well I Am Too Nice Of A Person For That!

So what is really rambling around in my thoughts right now? Well, so many things I can't think straight would be a good start. Many people think the holidays are tough for me directly because of the effect of Mike's suicide on me. Not really. Most the time he didn't get me anything or do anything special for the holidays anyway. Our family did lots and he would often participate. Not always, but many times when I think of fun family activities it was just the kids and I. On Christmas Eve Mike would do a little program, but for many of our family activities he was in the background or even absent.
What is the hardest for me is watching how it effects my kids. My friend said it best recently when she wrote to me "...suicide loss does not "heal." The effects may stabilize, but the loss is forever felt. Personal values and beliefs are shattered. The individual is changed emotionally."  Marie has a family to focus on, Jeffrey has a future family to focus on, but Rachel is the one I feel bad for. I purposely take off around holidays to keep her mind busy and thinking about the present and not the past. This year for many reasons I won't go into, she requested to stay home. We still have 4 days before Christmas and this one has been the hardest so far. I can only imagine what she was expecting to happen, but none of it is and most likely will not.
It is my job as a mother to help my children. It is not meddling or causing drama when I need to find out if something is truly wrong or it it is just growing pains. For me this is even more important. I find I watch my kids more then normal to make sure there is no signs of real depression, like their father had. I watch for unusual behavior and yes, sometimes I act too quickly out of the love and concern I have for them. Fortunately when it comes to Jeffrey and Rachel it is always growing pains. Lessons that are hard to learn in life but will make you stronger in the end.
So how do Rachel and I get through this Christmas and New Year with just the two of us. Sounds kind of pathetic to do all the traditional cooking and activities with just the two of us. We have been invited to join a few families, and no offense to them but Rachel would rather at least be around kids her own age. It is tough during the holidays because it is a family time, so families like to be together. I guess that is where we were different and maybe she doesn't understand that. Our home was always open especially during the holidays.
We have a 'Red Plate' that Mike would set on the table every Christmas Eve dinner. It was a place set for Christ so He would know He was welcome at our table. On the rare occasion that someone showed up during Christmas dinner, well that is where they were sat.  'Verily I say unto you, Inasmuch as ye have done it unto one of the least of these my brethren, ye have done it unto me.'
I am fine staying home alone or with Donna or going to one of the places we were invited. There are a lot of emotional triggers. Rachel, well I wish she could be surround by loving friends on Christmas Eve or day even if just for an hour, but I doubt she will impose and I will be left to deal with her sadness, and then we get to do it all over again on New Year's Eve and day. This is one break that I can't wait until it is over.

Jeffrey have fun back east with the future in-laws and don't forget to call on Christmas.
Marie and Chris, have fun with Ethan on Christmas and have him call me!

Well it is December. We got through November just fine. No one mentioned Mike's birthday during Thanksgiving and I was fine with that. I don't even know if anyone thought about it. I know Rachel had a hard day, but I didn't ask her why or bring it up. I have already moved on but in a lot of ways she has not. Rachel thinks of me moving on as forgetting or not caring about Mike anymore. I needed to move on a long time ago. A person cannot live in the past. She knows this but I still think it is hard for her to see me let go. Rachel is perfectly fine with me dating others after she is off in college and not around! Silly girl. I think it just scares her; she will get over it! I am grateful that Rachel and I got away during Thanksgiving and that we were able to spend some good quality time with just the two of us.

It was a good break for her right before the big Winter Wishes Assemble that she was in charge of at the high school. We both put a lot of time into the assembly. It was our way have having the Christmas spirit this year. Rachel and I will be spending Christmas at home by ourselves. Not bad, just kind of different and lonely. Oh well, Jeffrey will be back east with his fiancee and Marie, Chris and Ethan are staying at home.

On another note, why are people so angry and why do they tend to jump to the wrong conclusion? Just throwing that out. I am really getting tired of people who judge unjustly. Sorry just thinking about that lately. Well I want to go to bed before 1am for the first time in three weeks! Hope everyone is finding the spirit of Christmas somehow and somewhere.

Holidays Are Approaching

Well it is that time of year to make it through the holidays. I don't have to hard of a time. I think it is a lot harder on Rachel then on me. Thanksgiving is hard since Mike's birthday falls during that time. It really doesn't bother me but it does affect Rachel. She will be doing a college tour that day so hopefully we will keep her mind off of it. We tend to like to get away for the holidays to start new traditions. This year we will be gone for Thanksgiving but not for Christmas. Christmas it will be just Rachel and I . . . alone. Weird. Jeffrey will be with his fiancee's family and Marie & Chris are supposed to be with the in-laws. A few people feel sorry for us and have invited us to go to their place but they are all hours away and Rachel and I actually want to be home. Since there won't be much to do with presents with the two of us, Rachel suggested we do most of our gift giving to the Winter Wishes program at the high school. That is cool with me. If anyone else needs a good cause to donate to during the holidays, let me know! I have connections....

Anyway, life is good. I am recovering from surgery on my middle finger, which is a bit awkward, but doing fine. I managed to get the yard all taken care of before winter sets in. Now I need to do a run to the dump. I still have junk of my moms all over the place that I have been going through. Need to get that stuff out of the house and garage soon. Almost to late to do a garage sale. Spent a lot of time scanning her pictures so the family can all have access to them. So life is busy and good. Had a few trials but they are just there to strengthen, so we move on!

I still have the best kids in the world and love them a ton. I guess right now I can't complain!

Letters, Photographs, and Saved Treasures Can Tell You A Lot About A Person

I have spent a lot of time lately going through my mother's stuff. I think she saved every paper that ever crossed her path! I had a lot of fun finding lose photographs from the 1940's and 50's. I scanned most of them and then put them in a pile of who should get the picture based on who was in it. I also plan to make a disk for my sisters so they can have access to pictures I might not be sending them. It takes a lot of time and energy. Sometimes I have to walk away for awhile. I have tried to photograph as much of her stuff as possible and send pictures to my sisters so they feel they have had a good choice asking for the things they want. I have seen to many families get pulled apart after a death by a selfish executor or greedy family member.
I enjoyed sending each of the grandchildren and great grandchild a check from her estate. It was small, but it was something. I love family and I hate to see it pulled apart by distance and disagreements. Always the peace maker, that is me. I will often take full blame for something just to save a relationship, even if I wasn't the one at fault. I just like to be happy and I like others to find happiness.
Today was cool and also sad going through things. Mom had a lot of binders full of stuff. As I went through them throwing out all the articles she kept from magazines and newspapers what was left were a lot of cards and letters. I noticed a sad trend; almost all of the letters and cards were from me and my kids. It saddened me that we didn't write even more. It must have been lonely for her sometimes. It also made me happy to know we tried. I hope someday when I am alone my kids will remember and teach their kids how important letters and cards are for grandparents. Because she kept all the letters we sent her when we lived in Korea, I now have a better journal of our time there.
We as a society need to remember that with all the fancy technology, a handwritten letter or note to someone has a huge impact. I am glad my kids tried to be a large part of her life. Now I understand better why they all had such a nice relationship with her. Maybe I shouldn't say this but I can also see why she always told Rachel that she was her favorite. She was closer to Rachel then she was to the rest of us and I can see that by going through her stuff. Interesting.