Rethink, Adjust, and Keep Going

When we moved 2 1/2 years ago, it was hard for Rachel to connect with friends, being shy didn't help. We noticed that the teens here didn't really have a hang out place. That became one of our goals, to provide a place the kids could hang out, have fun and be safe. It was a slow process especially while Mike was still alive. He often didn't like to be around groups of people. After he passed away, it became extremely important to us not only to provide a gathering place but also to make sure Rachel would move forward and not seclude herself or crawl into a hole, and me too, I guess. That is why we started having late start breakfast here whenever possible and giving rides to kids whenever needed.
There were many nights when we had a few extra Holloway, Cain, Turner, Gilliam or Kings here later then 1 am! After midnight I would start asking, "Your parents okay with you being here?"  The typical answer would be, "ya, I checked in."  I had to trust they did and hope some parent wouldn't get mad at me. We had some amazing late night talks. Some say the Holy Ghost goes to bed at midnight and kids can only get in trouble after that...I say he is always present when the setting is worthy of it.
If it wasn't for the families here (and in our old hometown) loaning us their children from time to time, it would get very lonely and quiet here. Our routine night would be a movie then bed. We have seen just about everything there is worth seeing. Having extra kids over helps to break up the monotony even if we do just watch another movie.  I don't mind feeding them and I don't mind driving them home even when it is all the way across town and late at night. But in the desire to fill our homes loneliness I guess I have lost touch with what other families desires might be.


I sometimes wonder if people realize how truly lonely life can be for me. For some reason I connect better with the youth and have more friends under 20 then above, but even they get tired of a mom hanging around with them. Don't get me wrong, I have a lot of wonderful adult people I know, but "hanging out" is a bit hard when they have obligations I don't have. Being a single adult in a family oriented church is a lot harder and lonelier then I thought it would be.
When my older two kids were teenagers, they homeschooled. We didn't really have set bed times and any given night the Klos, Bunt, Heath, Terry and Anderson clan would be over having fun. Now that I am raising my youngest I have even mellowed more, so you see I don't get worried about the time she comes home as much as I do just knowing where she is and who she is with.
So in my desire to fill our families needs, I have forgotten to take into consideration the needs of other families. What a dilemma I have created. Some may think my youngest is spoiled but I don't think so. I think I am a lot more patient, understanding and mellow. Years of learning to "choose my battles wisely" and knowing when to step back and let go have helped. Most of Rachel's friends are the oldest child in the family and they have greater responsibility to set examples for younger siblings.  So I do get it. It is not remembering to honor other families rules as much as it is remembering to watch the clock and ask more questions about curfews. I trust my own kids so much, that I think I trust other youth to know their rules and boundaries hoping they will self enforce them. Isn't it great that life, every day, gives us knew challenges to learn from and better ourselves?

When Life Is A Mess...

Short sweet and to the point. My car has been out of commission for 3 1/2 weeks now. The jeep was in an accident putting it out of commission. Fortunately everyone is fine but I can't get Rachel to drive again... yet.  I didn't have full coverage insurance on the jeep, that sucks. Five yelling swearing kids up against Rachel, well she got the blame. I will say that I was on the scene of the accident in  5 minutes and I handled it they way I always wanted to: calm, without blame, and not worrying about things like cars but people.

So have I hit my breaking point yet? No, but I feel it coming fast. I think I am ready to become a hermit and shut the rest of the world out of my life, except my children and good friends. Without them I would not survive. So when life is a mess what do we do? We pray, reach out for help, smile and keep going. If we let the mess win, we only learn defeat and not strength.

Happy But In a Funky Place

I am finding that I am keeping myself overly busy with work, listening to loud music so I don't have to think, and just avoiding certain things. Weird. What am I running and hiding from? Loneliness? I often find myself trying to take care of everyone else that I forget about taking care of myself. I am begining to wonder if I purposely take care of everyone else so I don't have to deal with myself...  just a thought.
I need to get out an exercise. That is something I love to do, it is healthy, and I have been cleared by my physical therapist to go back to. So now where is the motivation? I always get this feeling I have to "look" better to ever attract someone but I just don't care to jump on the band wagon of being something I am not. For me to ever be this skinny attractive lady it would take an obsession with exercising and a lot of unhealthy pills. Been there and down that once, not interested in that again. It is werid because I am happy, I am just in the funky place.

ACTING: Appearing Normal When Messed Up

Sometimes, when I haven't written for awhile, it is not because things are going good, but just the opposite. I have mentioned before that it takes me awhile to process things. I am also realizing that although I speak freely on my blog, some of the things that trouble me the most right now I can't talk about because they involve people who read it. Kind of a catch 22 if you ask me.
Honesty is very important to me. My kids understand this. I believe they know that I would rather they tell me the truth, even if I don't like it, then tell me blatant lies that someday may revel themselves. Having said that I also know that none of us are perfect and misrepresenting the truth is easy to do. To be honest with you, my kids have hardly ever out right lied to me, in fact I can't remember if they ever have. I am thankful for that. Other people have. Other people have really misrepresent truth and even, in my opinion, blatantly lied to me. That is a hard one for me to deal with and forgive.

 My car left me stranded 60 miles from home 10 days ago and has been in the shop ever since. Rachel's schedule is crazy so borrowing her car can be tricky when she has to leave at 6:45am and I don't have to be to work until 7:30am. Driving the 64 Chevy is a real pain and also unreliable. Don't know when or if I will get my car fixed, money to get a new car if needed is tied up in a lost cause and  honestly my brain is too frustrated to think about it.

I have learned since Mike's passing that I don't like being the decision maker. I don't like that the buck has to stop with me. I don't like that people take advantage of you in a time of loss and confusion. Although I seem to have my act together, inside I am often confused and unable to think straight. That is how I am feeling right now. I can express it in type for the world to read, but in reality I have no one I can to talk to.

Rachel singing "You Belong In Sequim"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8_4cBRrjTXY

This was written by Robin Hall for our town. It is a Taylor Swift Parody done for our "Senior Night Live" show. Where my daughter gets her talent is beyond me!!! The photo is at rehearsal before she got the wig!

February The Month of Love. . .

I just worked out, showered, put make-up on and now I am writing on here? Makes no sense. The last thing in the world I want to do right on is start crying. I have decided the two hardest months for me are February and May not what most people would think. Most people would go with December because of Christmas and some other random month. I have all my family around me at Christmas so I do pretty good. The months that are hard are February because it is the month of love...it also happens to be the anniversary of our first date and Mike's proposal two years later. I make it through those days by just keeping busy but Valentines Day, bla. It was one of those hit and miss holidays for Mike depending on how he felt. He had a few good years but it passed by him unnoticed most years. Not that I want or expect anything, I just miss what it could be. The other hard month is May. I guess that is because it was our anniversary, my birthday, Mother's Day and the last time we spent time together before he died.
Some people may think that it is hard because someone in my situation is still trying to get over the loss suffered. I am alright with moving on. The past was alright and can hopefully the future can be better. One of my kids might have a little problem with letting me move on ;-) So far there is only one person she has allowed me to go out with...like she can really stop me anyway! For me maybe the hang up is feeling guilty because it seems so easy to move forward. I don't live in the past but the present is kind of boring. When you are not making new memories to replace the old ones what else are you supposed to think about. I think it is hard for children to realize you are not replacing their father, it is more like adding someone new in your life that could step in for them when needed. At least that is how I see it with my kids since they are much older. Anyway...

Rachel, her boyfriend, Healy & I (yes, I am taking a girlfriend because I can't find a date around here!) are going to the 5th Avenue to see "South Pacific" on the 13th as an early Valentine's. I am also taking them to dinner at Benihana's one of my favorite places since high school. So that will be nice. Not doing anything on V-day. Watching my grandson for a few days after it so Chris and Marie can spend some alone time together before he goes back to Iraq. If I can just stay out of the stores and all there sweetheart stuff, I will be fine. It doesn't make me miss Mike, it makes me miss love. That may sound weird but it is the love, passionate and simple that I have missed for years and years. At least my girls (who happen to dislike V-day the most) will be happy and with someone special. I guess I will be happy watching them be happy. As for everyone else, make everyday a special day and tell someone you love them. We just don't say those words enough.

Deep Rambling Thoughts Bursting Free

I wish I knew what was going on in my head right now! Things just seem to be flying around all scattered. Here goes a few thought I will try to catch and put on paper:

1. I am still trying to figure out why I can't get on top of  my spiritual side. I know there is a God, I just can't get my personal life to draw close to him right now. I do all my church stuff, I just fear drawing to close will bring up so much pain I am not ready to handle, so personal prayer and scripture study is still a bit hard.
   
2. I can not say enough how thankful I am that Rachel is dating a fine young man that goes to church and treats her like a queen. I haven't seen her so happy in a long time. Still with the happiness she is frustrated with her anxiety and ability to score well on tests. She works so hard and studies so much and still struggles to be where she wants. Now having said that, we are also working on the fact that perfection is not reality. Some kids would be so pleased to have the grades she has. To her it is not good enough. And well stupid teachers drive us both crazy and she has had her share of them.
3. In a lot of ways, what Rachel is experiencing with her boyfriend is what I have always wanted. In fact, Rachel is always telling me I'm jealous and she is right! Sometimes at my age I feel it is too late to ever experience that kind of happiness. Mike and I did love each other, there was just a lot of happiness missing. We had a high maintenance marriage with all the illness and we defiantly disagreed a lot on how to raise our kids. Seeing how they are turning out, I think we did a fine job. But like most women, there is this feeling of not being pretty enough, skinny enough, or what ever that big fault is. We can always find the faults, Satan will see to that.You see my mom has told me all my adult life I was fat and Mike had said a few mean things about that so maybe you can understand why I don't think I am good enough the way I am. Losing weight with a hip that prevents me from exercising doesn't help much.
4. So what do I want in a guy? Someone who loves me for who I am now. Someone that would cause me to want to become a better person but not make me. Someone who loves to laugh and be crazy but knows when to be serious and romantic. I don't like drinking, swearing or smoking. Someone who is spiritually strong where I am weak. Well, do guys like that even exist? Ya, they are just all married! 

Believe me I am laughing as much as I am crying as I write this. Maybe my head will stop spinning now that this is working its way out. We are moving into February where Mike and I had a lot of memories. First date, two years later a proposal, lots of Valentines Days that were forgotten and lots that were great. I guess I am just gearing up for all that stuff you see in the stores and psyching myself up for a holiday I have never really liked. At least a few of my kids will enjoy Valentines Day! I can be happy with that for now. 

Old and New

This starts out with a post I wrote at Christmas time but didn't post due to the loss of my friends son. I just found it in my drafts so I will start with it and then add an update!!!
Dec 23
There is so much on my mind tonight and it is very late so I hope this makes sense. It has been a nice Christmas season for me. I enjoyed being a part of the high school's "Winter Wishes" that helped grant Christmas wishes to students. I loved seeing their faces and the joy the gifts brought at the assembly. It always helps bring the Christmas spirit when you give. We also had a lot of fun on "Cookie Day" making tons of cookies. We ended up with 24 plates with 6 varieties of goodies on them and still a ton of left over to eat! Amazingly I have not gained any pounds. It is also fun just having all my kids home. They are so cool and just fun to be with. I am so glad we are as close as we are and I hope that never changes.
I am sad to say that it has been hard for Rachel to get into the Christmas spirit. She just doesn't feel like it is Christmas. She has tried to do things for others and go to Christmas activities but it just isn't helping. I know that any holidays are very difficult for her now without her dad. On this one I just don't know what to tell her or how to help her.

Dec 27
Well the holidays are turning out great and Rachel is enjoying it much better then most holidays due to a fine young man who has made her feel like a princess. I am glad she has such good friends. I don't think I have seen her laugh and smile so much in the last year. It is really nice to see.

Jan 21
Well, I have actually avoided my blog a bit. I don't know why I do that. Either nothing really to write or I can't get the words out I want to write. The New Year has been good so far. I have had lots of work. I am even taking on a M-Th full time job in the library at the high school May and June. Someone is going on maternity leave. That way I can make the money we need to go to France this summer and visit our exchange student. She will provide housing so we just need travel money. That should be an adventure. I hope it will work out that we can go. I have some enormous bills to take care of first but the money I need is tied up. So we will just hope for the best.
I feel like I am living in a constant blur right now. I am doing so much but nothing well. I get things done at the last minute and rush around all the rest the time. I think I am ready for a break. Maybe I won't work next week! I have really enjoyed the substituting I am doing. I definitely have my favorite spots to work! Still spend most of my time with teenagers. Adult buddies are hard to find. Everyone is too busy! I miss my old lunch group and buddies in Redmond. I miss companionship. So staying busy is a good thing I guess.

Lots Of Emotions To Work Through During the Holidays

Sometimes when things get too emotional for me, I can't get on here and write for awhile.  I have to process my feelings so I can deal with them. The holidays were a roller coaster of emotions. It has been fun to have Jeffrey home from college and the kids all home together. We have a ton of fun together and they lift my spirits more then they know. Lots of late nights, games and piling into my bed. Rachel usually has the hardest time with holidays but this year a sweet young man made it the best ever. He came over Christmas Eve with a gift and asked her to be his girlfriend... (AWW, so sweet) When she open the rest of the gift the next day there was a card that said something like "one piece of paper is not enough to list all your wonderful qualities so I will just list the top 10!" He went on to list some of the sweetest things like how her smile brightens his day and how she is so kind to everyone. How could you not fall in like/love with a guy like that! My only comment was were are all the 50 year old guys like that!!! Anyway he was a great distraction for her from the sadness of the holidays.

I also took 8 teens over to Redmond for a epicenter dance on New Years (about 600 teens.) We started the day with ice skating, then Nurf wars, volleyball and pizza. Then the dance. It was all fun until I dropped them off at the dance at 9:30. That is when I drove to Factoria Mall and tried going to a 30+ single adult dance at the Mall. I have decided that going to a dance, to dance, is the worst for me. Mike and I were great dancers and standing on the sidelines feeling like a piece of meat being checked over sucks. I danced one song and the guy realized he was about 15 years younger then me! I guess I really don't look my age! Anyway, that was enough and I had to get out of there. I am finding that it is easier for me to surround myself with teenagers then it is adults. (sorry adult friends...) It is alright with my good adult friends I know well, but over here at the new place, I hang out more with teenagers. So I left the dance quickly and a bit angry at Mike for leaving me and allowing me to be alone. I did spend 25 minutes at my friends house playing a game before I headed out to get the kids. So as the clock struck midnight I found myself alone in the car driving back up to Lynnwood to pick up the kids and listening to songs that made me sad. I decided people shouldn't be alone during times like that. The next morning we headed home so that I could prepare all the food for another dance here in Sequim. That was fun because I kept busy in the kitchen (with the teens) and went out to dance occasionally with my son or the teens! I really am beginning to think I don't do well with other adults! Maybe it is because all my friends have spouses and I feel like a third wheel.Or maybe being around other couples is hard. I don't know, I am still trying to figure all that out.
I try to push through things for the kids so that it appears nothing is affecting me, but it does. The busier I stay the less time I have to think, but there are still a lot of times when I am alone with my thoughts and it is tough.
Having my dear dear friend lose her 24 year old son to suicide over the holidays was not easy but it isn't about me this time. She didn't even call me until the 26th because she didn't want to ruin my Christmas. Now it is my turn to be there for her. I knew I had to go to the funeral to support her. It was the first one I have gone to in the last year. I have chose not to go to others. It was hard but like I said it isn't about me this time. Having gone through what I have you would think I would know what to do or say but I didn't. Healy is so much like me. She is back at work today trying to move forward. She is very strong but yet has a very tender heart right now.  My love goes out to her and her family.
One of these days I am going to write my book and figure out how to get out there as a motivation speaker mainly for the youth but to anyone who thinks life isn't worth living. Maybe if I helped one person it could help my healing move forward faster...

WHY

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nd-2EkA4LgI

Healy and Family My Heart Goes Out To You

I started a post about my week and the holidays but I will hold on to it for a day or so. Right now my mind is full and spinning. Depression is all around us and at some point in life it will personally touch us. What is sad and often hard to understand is when depression snatches a loved one from us due to suicide. Having been down that road, I wish no one else would have to go through it.
Healy, my dear friend and co-worker in Redmond lost her son Wednesday. He couldn't handle the battle any longer. I understand it so much, yet I don't. Amazing how I have been through what she is now going through yet I didn't know what to say to her.
When something like this happens you cry a lot. At first it is over the loss. Then you cry when you tell people not necessarily because you are hurting but you feel sad for the person hearing it for the first time. Suddenly we really need to have faith that what we believe about God is real. We need to have hope that our loved one is in a better place and that God will understand the pain they were in and now help us through our pain. 
Suicide is never the best answer but all of us will be touched by it at some time in our life. It is hard to know what to say. It is often hard to keep going on without them. The future can be unpredictable as to when your emotions will just flow and when you can control them. Holidays are difficult. Life is never the same when you lose a loved one, but when it is suicide it is so hard to understand the why.  Most of the time I do well with the "what if's and if I'd only" but they can still creep in and haunt you. There is nothing you can go back and do after the fact so I work hard at staying away from the "what if's." It is so hard. My love and heart goes out to the Landis family. I love you Healy and want you to know Aaron was a great young man. He is in Heavenly Fathers care now and will be fine. It is those of us left behind that need to lean on each other for support. I am here for you Healy and always will be. Aaron will be missed.

The hip pain has subsided and I am starting to feel normal again! The doctor used a spinal needle and went all the way to the bone and injected another cortisone shot. They told me it would be painful for the first 24 hours. I don't think they realized the pain I was in because I was getting relief within a few hours. For once the pain wasn't constant.  I almost feel like a wuss for complaining about it because it was just bursitis, but it was having a major impact on my life. I have been sleeping better and only have mild pain when I over do it. They are going to start physical therapy again also. So the good news is I am in a lot less pain even if it isn't gone completely. I can live with this.
On another note, life has been busy with the Christmas season. If there is one thing I have learned, it is if you want the Christmas Spirit you have to be willing to give. I have found so much enjoyment giving this year. The real joy comes when you can do it annoymously. The high school has a "Winter Wishes" assembly where they try to grant student's wishes. Some are silly others are heart breaking. It was a great experience to be able to help the ASB with some of the wishes. It has really shown me again how blessed I am. Sometimes some of the best gifts you can give are free: a listening ear, a hug, a smile, a kind word or any kind act. I hope everyone takes the time in this busy season of rushing around everywhere to stop and help someone.
I have tried to start new traditions this year and even bought all new tree decorations. I just felt I needed to move on and break away from the old. Rachel is having a difficult time feeling the Christmas spirit. I'm not sure how to help her. Recently when she was home alone for a few hours, she wrote on her facebook status: "I swear I just heard him walking down the hall...I hate those sounds that trigger memories. :( "  She keeps herself so busy so she won't have to think. I took down a picture of Mike to put up Christmas decorations and the next day I found it back up. She is not ready to move on in some ways. I am.

Trying to Smile Through the Pain

 So I have dealt with pain; spiritual, emotion and physical. I usually push through it and come out smiling. I am about at the end of my tolerance for the pain I am having now. I have a very high tolerance for pain so this is very unusual for me. I have been dealing with this on and off bursitis for awhile now. This time I had 3 weeks of straight level 8-10 pain. Then I received a cortisone shot and it lowered the pain but didn’t really work well this time.


I have been to physical therapy, tried massages, had 2 MRI’s and an x-ray, used flexor patches, taken vicodin, used heat pads and I even bought an ultra sound device that penetrates heat into the hip. All this and I have had very little relief. I can tell because it is getting harder to smile and hide the pain. People are noticing so that tells me I am not dealing well with it anymore!

Today I have another appointment with a specialist and my regular doctor says it may be more then bursitis in my hip. The MRI on my back showed some irregularities in the lower back area. That is the area that took the brunt of our rollover car accident in 2002. So maybe we will get to the bottom of this. Walking can get so painful sometimes.

Yesterday my youngest asked me to bring her something. In my mind I was thinking ‘get it yourself’ but I painfully got it anyway. I am afraid one of these days I am going to snap and yell at someone. This is so not like me. Maybe I have just hit the limit of pain a person can handle in one year! To rephrase a movie quote in my own words, "Just keep smiling, just keep smiling."

What A Difference A Few Days Makes!

It is amazing to me how each day can be so different. Things are going much better. I believe Rachel is finally adjusting to all the changes. Change is difficult for her; actually I think change is difficult for both girls in different ways. As for me, spontaneity is the spice of life! Contention in the home is the pits. Fortunately our home has been blessed with a lot more laughter then arguing. We have had a lot of laughter and for the kids being so spread out, it seems they get along pretty good most the time.

Yesterday the two girls made ginger bread houses together. I think they had a fun time and both houses turned out great. Rachel seems to have a good time with Ethan too, but a bad day at school can change everything for her very quickly. Speaking of school, I am on my lunch break right now at the school. Today I am teaching Biology and Leadership. Not that I really get to teach… the life of a sub is really to supervise a classroom of students attempting to misbehave for the sub while watching a movie or filling out a worksheet. Not much teaching happens with a classroom sub job. I am pretty easy going, so I enjoy it and the extra spending money is always a plus. Surprisingly I will get to finish the last hour of the day in the health class. It would normally be my free hour but that's alright.

One thing that has been reinforced several times this week in a variety of different ways is that you will never please everyone. It is impossible. Someone will always be disappointed, upset, unimpressed, or just negative. And you know what, that is there problem not mine. If I do the best I can do at something, then so be it. I work with a youth group and it seems there is always someone wanting things different. I had one parent tell me things weren’t “fun” enough and then a few months later they said they weren’t “spiritual” enough!!! Make up your mind. The program is for the youth and should be run by the youth. It is also amazing to me how negative kids can be about an activity when usually one of the kids in the group suggested it. I don't think they realize that someone else really wanted to do the activity and by making fun of it or not participating in it they could easily hurt someone's feelings.

Another example of not pleasing everyone could be as easy yet frustrating as deciding on a dinner menu. There is always someone who won't like what you fixed. Guess what? That is there problem, not yours. If I can stay focused on that, I have a much better attitude and a better day. Sometimes it takes me awhile to process everything, but at the end of the day, it is usually not my problem. I think that is one reason why last week was so hard. I'd forgotten my own rule and was taking everything personally. Glad to see I am back on the right track. Thanks to everyone who helped me through the week with all your kind words.

Somedays It Is Hard To Climb On Top Of All The Crap To See The Sun

Yesterday I just wanted to crawl into a small warm cave and listen to loud music so I didn't have to think. To much on my mind. I am trying to process it all but I am slow at processing. Writing has always been helpful, so I will give it a try. I just hope people aren't judgmental with some of the things I write because it is truly how I feel at the moment it is penned.  Thank goodness we can change our minds later.
It has been a tough week. Rachel and I are adjusting to having Marie and Ethan with us. I adjust a lot easier then Rachel, so I have to be the almighty peace keeper in the home. Marie has depression and Rachel has anxiety. Not a great combination for one person, but for two people living together. . . lets just say I get exhausted. Part of Rachel's anxiety causes her to want a perfect environment around her: clean house, order to everything, little money spent, basically no bumps in the road that she isn't expecting or it throws her. With depression a clean home, order and not spending money are . . . well not the first thing on the persons mind. I have to say that Marie is doing a good job at trying to stay on top of things and Rachel is trying to adjust to the changes, but it takes time and during that time emotions get high.
One example from last week is when Marie and I took Chris to the airport. After arriving home Marie didn't want to be left alone. Rachel, on the other hand, had stayed home all day and needed to get out. She wanted me to take her to a movie. I said, okay one wants me to stay and one wants me to go what am I supposed to do. Rachel blurted out, "stay with Marie she is the princess."  Interestingly enough Rachel and I went to a movie...  Rachel's coping skill is to make snide little comments under her breath, but they can be very painful and rude comments. All of us have been sick to one degree or another, Rachel's voice teacher was a real jerk to us last week, and with the silent frustration going on around here, I just finally needed MY TIME. 
So the closest thing I have to a cave is my bedroom and office. So I locked myself in and cranked up the music. Loud music is one of my coping skills.  It drowns out all the thoughts.
Then I lost it. I was so angry at Mike for leaving me with all this to do alone. I actually hated him for it. Trying to keep myself busy I started looking for things and couldn't find anything. Passports were misplaced, bills I needed to pay and I couldn't find the paperwork to get a cemetery marker on Mike's grave. So here I am locked in my room, alone, trying to deal and not let anyone see me like this. Angry, alone, frustrated, crying, confused and lost in my loud music when Marie lets me know that Rachel is crying.
So I stop my breakdown to go deal with Rachel's. Of course she is not talking to me at the moment, which by the way, was the driving nail that sent me over the edge.  She is looking at a picture of Mike, crying, missing him and wanting him. I am so mad at him I just want to tell her what a jerk he was for leaving us. So I sit quietly with her until she is better and goes off on her own.
Meanwhile, I am angry at Mike but also feeling guilty that I have never put a marker on his grave after 1 1/2 years. So I guess for now I am still trying to climb up that hill of crap so I can see the sun creep through at the top.