A Beautiful Tribute

So today I was randomly going through files on the computer and trying to find things I can delete when I came across a poem. At first I thought it was a cool poem written by a daughter to her father, but it just fit uncannily to Mike & Rachel, then I realized it was written by Rachel.  I had never seen this before and she will most likely not be happy with me for sharing it, but I think it is beautiful and shows her deep love for her dad.  

 

My Papa, My Daddy, My Father

You were my light in the dark,

The one that kept me from going astray.

My papa, my daddy, my father,

You raised me in every perfect way.

My daddy was an angel down here below,

 Now he’s an angel up where the winds blow.

Far, far away, yet still close to my heart,

I still can’t believe you chose to part.

To part from me, your little helper,

Your little darling girl.

After you left me at only 15,

Daddy who would be the one

 To pester my dates when

 I turned sweet sixteen?

Who’d be the one to see all my shows?

 Or to give me away on that white wedding day?

I wish you would have stayed.

The note that you left me on your now empty bed,

Said, “Leaving you is one of the hardest parts of my decision to leave”.

As I sit here, wiping my tears on my sleeve,

Cold and numb, wishing you were here to save me from this glum.

You chose to be dead,

To overdose on the only thing that was saving you,

The only thing keeping me with you.

Forget all the troubles,

Forget all the pain.

I will only remember the good times that remain.

Where you would tuck me tightly into bed,

Where you would kiss my forehead and wish me sweet dreams.

No matter what, I love you.

My family is forever,

And I can’t wait to see you…

Once again.

Three Years...

I was running around the house my happy normal self when I looked at the calendar and stopped in my tracks. It hit me that Mike died three years ago today. As a family, we are doing very well but dates like today still just creep up on you.
I recently had a conversation with my youngest who doesn't get real excited if I talk about dating or moving on, so I asked her why. She stated that she didn't ever want to see me get that hurt again. "Again?" I asked. "Do you think your dad hurt me?" We went on to have a nice talk and yes she was right, he did hurt me. It was the kind of hurt that no one should have to go through, but, we are all stronger and moving forward.
I am happy that my oldest is doing well and going back to college. I am proud that she is finding ways to stretch herself and learn. She wears her emotions on her sleeve and it is hard to watch her beat up herself sometimes. She is an amazing woman, wife and mother who has survived a lot. I pray someday she will recognize just how much the Lord really does love her. All her experiences will help her be more compassionate and understanding to others hardships.
As for my son, well since I last wrote he has graduated from college and married a fine young lady. We are all excited for them. They will both work at UofU while he applies to schools for his PhD. I am thankful that he was able to continue his education without financial setbacks. He is still the solid rock of this family. I often turn to him for advice and he is mature way beyond his years.
This was also an exciting year for my youngest. She started high school quiet and shy and finished as the Senior class president! She received numerous scholarships for her high GPA and the School Service Award for all her hard work. This past May she did her last high school show playing a Narrator for Joseph and the Technicolor Dream Coat.  She leaves on July 14th for college in Hawaii...LUCKY. Of course I am taking her to school... She had been my best friend these last years and I will miss her.
So the number #1 question our family is now asked, "What is Grace going to do home alone?" The answer, "I have no idea!"  I knew this day would come and it came really fast. I love my house but the yard work is hard to stay on top of. The community here has been wonderful to us. So for now I am taking one room at a time and de-cluttering it. If it hasn't been used in three years, throw it away. Heck if it hasn't been used in one year throw it away!
Biggest concern? I don't like living alone, but I don't want to rent out space in my house. I don't like not having someone to kill the spiders and scary away the spooks at night. I don't like eating alone, going to church alone or relying on others to fix things I can't do. I don't think I will crash after 3 years of taking care of everyone else, but I will be lonely. At least loneliness is something I can control somewhat.
I have the best kids anyone could ask for. They are all different and unique. They are mine and I love them and they have brought me so much joy. Thanks to everyone who has supported me and my family on this roller coaster of life. It isn't over, just constantly changing.

Closure - For the Most Part

I used this blog after my husband died for my therapy. I did not want to go see a shrink, yet I knew I needed to express my thoughts somewhere at any given moment. Most therapy is short term and mine is over now. I am 100% ready to leave it all behind and look to a new future. There will always be moments in life when memories are strong, pain is deep, or tears will flow, but life is like that. I am happy and my heart is healed. My final goal, with this crazy circumstance that was thrown on me, was to write a book. I did. I don't know if it will ever get picked up by a publisher but it has been sent in. I gave it the Title "Grace Under Pressure," a title an old friend  suggested. Thanks Gene. I have meet my goal and I am ready to stop writing this blog. Maybe someday I will start a new blog. Thanks for all your support and love. You will always find me on facebook!
If the book is ever published, I hope you will read it. There are a few extra chapters in it. If you ever want or need a motivational speaker who has smiled through adversity, let me know.  Motivational speaking is my next big goal!!!
"If you ever become discouraged or feel too weak to continue living...remember the strength you can receive through the enabling power of grace. You can find comfort and assurance in these words of the Lord, 'My grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them'" (Ether 12:27) 

Three Important Lessons

Back in the 70's, I was in the Oakland Temple Pageant and it had a major impact in my life. I think that is when I first realized that the religious things I had been taught from time to time, were real. It was hard to live my life religiously when my family wasn't religious. That was the major decision for leaving home to go to a private church college. Due to those decisions as a teenager, my life started a slow process of change for the better.

I work with the youth in my job and at my church. I really wonder sometimes if they realize

1. how short life really is
2. that what they do now really does matter to their future
3. in the end, very few, if any, friends will be there for them, sometime even family won't be there but our relationship with the Savior will only change if we do, He will always be there

I watch the youth a lot and some absolutely amaze me. Others I worry about. Life is to short to throw away. We all assume we will live long happy lives but that isn't what happens. Good people die young too, and we never know what our future holds. We can hope for cures and a safer world but there will always be new diseases and issues that will affect the world. Bad decisions others make can play a role in our life. What we need to do is learn to love life now. Learn to use the situations we are confronted with to become better people. The statement, "I will be happen when..." needs to be deleted from our vocabulary. Be happy now, do things now that will make your future more enjoyable.

What we do now has a huge affect on our future. The more dishonest you are now the harder it will be to be honest in your future. The attitude one has about morality and dress standards as a youth are usually carried on in life and very hard to change. The work ethic you set in high school and college will most likely be the same as you have for a job or with your family. Positive change is one of the hardest things to succeed in. It is possible, but the older you get, it seems the harder it is to make changes. I can look back in my life and see some of the decisions that I made and how they change the path I was on. Fortunately most of them were good decisions but not all of them.

I am one of the few people that can say my childhood friend has stood by me my entire life. Maybe that is because I am the only 'family' from her past that she has. Friends are important to have but they can often change throughout life. Everyone always says at high school graduation that they will keep in touch but it rarely happens. Fortunately with the internet we can reconnect a lot easier with people. Even families can drift apart, but the one constant is Christ. He doesn't leave or change, we do. It is like the picture of him at the door but he can't come in unless we open it.

Humans are good at rationalizing anything to make it alright. If we practice rationalizing enough, we can truly start to believe ourselves. The theme for our youth at church this year has been around for a long time. This time when it was introduced it really hit me, this is a good motto for life. It gives me hope and yet guidelines to practice bettering myself. I just pray as I work with the youth at church, they will grasp the importance of this theme and use it to better their lives.

“We believe in being honest, true, chaste, benevolent, virtuous, and in doing good to all men; indeed, we may say that we follow the admonition of Paul—We believe all things, we hope all things, we have endured many things, and hope to be able to endure all things. If there is anything virtuous, lovely, or of good report or praiseworthy, we seek after these things” (Articles of Faith 1:13).

Why Is It So Hard As Christians to Forgive?

Triggers, what are they and why do we allow them effect us?  Last week I went to the store 3 times in one day and twice I had to walk out before I would burst into tears. Some days it was better to not be around people at all. Monday was one of those days. I was a basket case and couldn't deal with life. So as to not break down in tears when Christmas carolers showed up, I became defensive, ornery, and a bit unkind. Rachel told her friend that I am not as strong as people sometimes think. She is right. To overcome the weakness of being out of control, sometimes we eventually become cold and numb to life. I sat through an entire Christmas program and felt nothing because I had shut down.
This is when we sometimes do and say stupid things because we have to find something to be in control of. That is about how my week went. The most interesting thing I have relearned from all of this is that no matter how Christian we are, it is hard to follow Christ when it comes to forgiveness. When I come to know I have truly made an error, I do everything I possibly can to correct that error. I try to make amends, I take responsibility for my actions. Sometimes I will even take the blame when I am innocent so others can feel better about their actions. It also brings me peace to know that when I have done all I can and others don't respond, I can turn it all over to the Lord and no longer carry the burden because He will. That is what the atonement is all about. The part that still stings is the gossip and comments of others but I guess that is in where the lessons lie as to not repeat our stupidities. So if anyone out there thinks I have done them wrong and I haven't said anything, it is most likely because I am unaware. It is nice to know we are all human doing the best we can and that we all make mistakes.
I can't say that this Christmas was easy, but due to wonderful friends it was made more enjoyable. My biggest mistake was not surrounding myself with family by leaving here, but we always learn the hard way. It was wonderful for our dear friends in Redmond to invite Rachel and I to have Christmas with them. In some ways it didn't feel like Christmas, but it wasn't painful like being home alone. It is always good to have excited kids around so that it adds to the magic. So again, we are forever indebted to the Munks for their kindness.

If All My Thoughts Were Released Right Now... Well I Am Too Nice Of A Person For That!

So what is really rambling around in my thoughts right now? Well, so many things I can't think straight would be a good start. Many people think the holidays are tough for me directly because of the effect of Mike's suicide on me. Not really. Most the time he didn't get me anything or do anything special for the holidays anyway. Our family did lots and he would often participate. Not always, but many times when I think of fun family activities it was just the kids and I. On Christmas Eve Mike would do a little program, but for many of our family activities he was in the background or even absent.
What is the hardest for me is watching how it effects my kids. My friend said it best recently when she wrote to me "...suicide loss does not "heal." The effects may stabilize, but the loss is forever felt. Personal values and beliefs are shattered. The individual is changed emotionally."  Marie has a family to focus on, Jeffrey has a future family to focus on, but Rachel is the one I feel bad for. I purposely take off around holidays to keep her mind busy and thinking about the present and not the past. This year for many reasons I won't go into, she requested to stay home. We still have 4 days before Christmas and this one has been the hardest so far. I can only imagine what she was expecting to happen, but none of it is and most likely will not.
It is my job as a mother to help my children. It is not meddling or causing drama when I need to find out if something is truly wrong or it it is just growing pains. For me this is even more important. I find I watch my kids more then normal to make sure there is no signs of real depression, like their father had. I watch for unusual behavior and yes, sometimes I act too quickly out of the love and concern I have for them. Fortunately when it comes to Jeffrey and Rachel it is always growing pains. Lessons that are hard to learn in life but will make you stronger in the end.
So how do Rachel and I get through this Christmas and New Year with just the two of us. Sounds kind of pathetic to do all the traditional cooking and activities with just the two of us. We have been invited to join a few families, and no offense to them but Rachel would rather at least be around kids her own age. It is tough during the holidays because it is a family time, so families like to be together. I guess that is where we were different and maybe she doesn't understand that. Our home was always open especially during the holidays.
We have a 'Red Plate' that Mike would set on the table every Christmas Eve dinner. It was a place set for Christ so He would know He was welcome at our table. On the rare occasion that someone showed up during Christmas dinner, well that is where they were sat.  'Verily I say unto you, Inasmuch as ye have done it unto one of the least of these my brethren, ye have done it unto me.'
I am fine staying home alone or with Donna or going to one of the places we were invited. There are a lot of emotional triggers. Rachel, well I wish she could be surround by loving friends on Christmas Eve or day even if just for an hour, but I doubt she will impose and I will be left to deal with her sadness, and then we get to do it all over again on New Year's Eve and day. This is one break that I can't wait until it is over.

Jeffrey have fun back east with the future in-laws and don't forget to call on Christmas.
Marie and Chris, have fun with Ethan on Christmas and have him call me!

Well it is December. We got through November just fine. No one mentioned Mike's birthday during Thanksgiving and I was fine with that. I don't even know if anyone thought about it. I know Rachel had a hard day, but I didn't ask her why or bring it up. I have already moved on but in a lot of ways she has not. Rachel thinks of me moving on as forgetting or not caring about Mike anymore. I needed to move on a long time ago. A person cannot live in the past. She knows this but I still think it is hard for her to see me let go. Rachel is perfectly fine with me dating others after she is off in college and not around! Silly girl. I think it just scares her; she will get over it! I am grateful that Rachel and I got away during Thanksgiving and that we were able to spend some good quality time with just the two of us.

It was a good break for her right before the big Winter Wishes Assemble that she was in charge of at the high school. We both put a lot of time into the assembly. It was our way have having the Christmas spirit this year. Rachel and I will be spending Christmas at home by ourselves. Not bad, just kind of different and lonely. Oh well, Jeffrey will be back east with his fiancee and Marie, Chris and Ethan are staying at home.

On another note, why are people so angry and why do they tend to jump to the wrong conclusion? Just throwing that out. I am really getting tired of people who judge unjustly. Sorry just thinking about that lately. Well I want to go to bed before 1am for the first time in three weeks! Hope everyone is finding the spirit of Christmas somehow and somewhere.

Holidays Are Approaching

Well it is that time of year to make it through the holidays. I don't have to hard of a time. I think it is a lot harder on Rachel then on me. Thanksgiving is hard since Mike's birthday falls during that time. It really doesn't bother me but it does affect Rachel. She will be doing a college tour that day so hopefully we will keep her mind off of it. We tend to like to get away for the holidays to start new traditions. This year we will be gone for Thanksgiving but not for Christmas. Christmas it will be just Rachel and I . . . alone. Weird. Jeffrey will be with his fiancee's family and Marie & Chris are supposed to be with the in-laws. A few people feel sorry for us and have invited us to go to their place but they are all hours away and Rachel and I actually want to be home. Since there won't be much to do with presents with the two of us, Rachel suggested we do most of our gift giving to the Winter Wishes program at the high school. That is cool with me. If anyone else needs a good cause to donate to during the holidays, let me know! I have connections....

Anyway, life is good. I am recovering from surgery on my middle finger, which is a bit awkward, but doing fine. I managed to get the yard all taken care of before winter sets in. Now I need to do a run to the dump. I still have junk of my moms all over the place that I have been going through. Need to get that stuff out of the house and garage soon. Almost to late to do a garage sale. Spent a lot of time scanning her pictures so the family can all have access to them. So life is busy and good. Had a few trials but they are just there to strengthen, so we move on!

I still have the best kids in the world and love them a ton. I guess right now I can't complain!

Letters, Photographs, and Saved Treasures Can Tell You A Lot About A Person

I have spent a lot of time lately going through my mother's stuff. I think she saved every paper that ever crossed her path! I had a lot of fun finding lose photographs from the 1940's and 50's. I scanned most of them and then put them in a pile of who should get the picture based on who was in it. I also plan to make a disk for my sisters so they can have access to pictures I might not be sending them. It takes a lot of time and energy. Sometimes I have to walk away for awhile. I have tried to photograph as much of her stuff as possible and send pictures to my sisters so they feel they have had a good choice asking for the things they want. I have seen to many families get pulled apart after a death by a selfish executor or greedy family member.
I enjoyed sending each of the grandchildren and great grandchild a check from her estate. It was small, but it was something. I love family and I hate to see it pulled apart by distance and disagreements. Always the peace maker, that is me. I will often take full blame for something just to save a relationship, even if I wasn't the one at fault. I just like to be happy and I like others to find happiness.
Today was cool and also sad going through things. Mom had a lot of binders full of stuff. As I went through them throwing out all the articles she kept from magazines and newspapers what was left were a lot of cards and letters. I noticed a sad trend; almost all of the letters and cards were from me and my kids. It saddened me that we didn't write even more. It must have been lonely for her sometimes. It also made me happy to know we tried. I hope someday when I am alone my kids will remember and teach their kids how important letters and cards are for grandparents. Because she kept all the letters we sent her when we lived in Korea, I now have a better journal of our time there.
We as a society need to remember that with all the fancy technology, a handwritten letter or note to someone has a huge impact. I am glad my kids tried to be a large part of her life. Now I understand better why they all had such a nice relationship with her. Maybe I shouldn't say this but I can also see why she always told Rachel that she was her favorite. She was closer to Rachel then she was to the rest of us and I can see that by going through her stuff. Interesting.

Sometimes I Want to Shut this World Out of My Life

Today has been a slow day, slow in the sense that my mind won't stop dwelling on certain things so I can get other things done.  I find it interesting that what started out as just letting my thought get out of my head and not really thinking people would care to read them, turned into having so many hits and now things I can't discuss because of who may read it! I need a vacation from this town, my computer and life in general...is that possible?

Good News/Bad New
#1 Good news is I beat the IRS! The case in now closed and they own me over paid taxes. That is pretty amazing to state when just 2 years ago they wanted over $90,000 from me for 15 years of extensions filed, over paid but never completed and I fought most of the battle alone. I have to thank Maria Cantwell's office for finding me a tax advocate to help me settle the last 4 years that the IRS was fighting with me on. It is over and I won! No lawyers, no fees, no payments, just hard investigative work on my part to prove their errors.
#1 Bad news is I will probably never get back the investment I made right after Mike's death to someone I thought I could trust but was wrong.
#2 Good news is I have amazing children with high standards that I can trust and who have always told me the truth. That is an amazing thing in this world of sin and confusion. They are my rock. In fact, a lot of the time they are way better then I am.
#2 Bad news is that bad decisions on my part, have led to gossip and problems for the one child who is so strong in values that anyone who truly knew them would never even suggest such a things.
#3 Good news my youngest, Rachel, was crowned Homecoming Queen last weekend. She was truly shocked. I didn't know if she would win or not but I new she deserved it. She has changed so much over the last four years and has really tried to come out of her quiet, shy, shell.
#3 Bad news is some people see her shyness as stuck-up and snobby. Guess they don't know her well enough and that is too bad. She hates her time wasted. She is so broken heart when some teases her about things out of her control. The other night at the homecoming dance, she missed the Royalty dance and Andrew the King was left on the floor until someone else joined him. Some gossiped that she was off with her date. Truth was she was told Royalty pictures would be at 9 in the little gym, so the went over at 8:57. No one ever told her the dance was first. They waited at the pictures and when everyone showed up they told her she missed the dance. She was horrified and feels awful and people won't let it go. It was an honest mistake and no ones fault, just something that happened.

Love To You and Your Family Kim

This posted by Kim says it all:

R.I.P. best mommy i could ask for. i love you mom. always will. Clara Vaughn Duce October 28, 1963-October 11, 2010. ♥   Kim

Life Is Too Short

I am going on with life like normal, but one of my teenage friends is losing her mom to cancer as we speak. I feel so helpless in what to say or do for her and her family. It is so strange how after going through loss myself, I still find it hard knowing what to do to help others. I can't change the outcome of what is going to happen. I can't tell her everything will be fine because for a long time it won't. It is hard to lose a parent, but as a teenager it must be painful. I know for Rachel every time something new comes up she can't share it with her dad and it is hard. It makes me cry when I think of both these girls growing up without one of their parents. They are definitely both strong girls, but also very sensitive. You have to keep going knowing that there is a bigger picture. God has a purpose even if we don't understand it. My friend has some rough weeks ahead of her. For now I do know I can pray and give her my love. That is the one thing I constantly needed, the love and prayers of others. Just to know someone is thinking about you helps tons. I love you and your family Kim, hang in there. I will always be available for mommy hugs...I am good at that.

Staying Afloat

It has been a long time since I wrote anything on here! I have been working on proofing the book version before I give it to the proof readers...okay that sounds weird but I am trying to limit the errors!

September was a busy month. I worked for the school district everyday but 3. That makes me one busy substitute! I agreed to work 1/2 days every Tuesday in the office and that will be fun. I am also in charge of the class of 2011 graduation party. That is a major big deal here. I am enjoying it so far and the people that have stepped up to the plate are wonderful. That and substituting will keep me busy this year.

As for life at home, well with every free moment I have I go through boxes of my mom's stuff. Most of it is junk but may have sentimental value to one of us kids. So I have been taking photographs of everything and putting them on a document to send to my sisters so they can see what they want. This has been a huge undertaking. Getting the stuff up here, well that was an experience I would like to forget but it may take awhile. One of the reasons I haven't been on here is because I didn't know what to write about that weekend. I still don't, so maybe I will wait until the words come to me. I will say I was very disappointed in my mom's partner, but I guess people grieve in different ways.

So I guess I am moving forward everyday and trying to stay ahead of it all. I don't feel like I am drowning, I just feel like I am barely getting things done! Life is still good, my kids are all happy, my grandson is the cutest little guy on earth so no real complaints here.

I have had some great times with the teens here and on our trips to Redmond, football games and shopping. Now it is time to start saving $ for our next adventure and time to go dance in the living room....one of my favorite songs just came on!!!

Some Days Are Just Meant To Be Off Days

I guess it is a good thing that life is never dull. School started this week and my dream job position is open at the high school. Having said that, I am not going to apply for it : (    There is no way I can work full time this year with Rachel graduating. She is the senior class president which means I get the honor of heading up the senior class party after graduation and Jeffrey is getting married in May. I still have two estates to close out, Mikes and my moms, plus I have to still tend to my aunts needs now that she is home from rehab. So for now, I will enjoy substituting and having fun when I can. I love the students at the high school. They brighten my day!
I have had a lot of good laughs lately but I have also had a few cries. Last Sunday I had a panic attack, weird just weird. I had a lot of stress trying to work out details for picking up my mom's stuff. On top of that, I was told about another suicide. It was how it was presented that bothered my more then the suicide itself. For some reason the effect was overwhelming to me and as I drove to my aunt's I couldn't breath and started crying. I guess things like that will go on for a long time depending how it hits me.  
On the other side of life, I have had a lot of good laughs with special friends and have found myself smiling more then normal. So even with the days that things are off a little, life it still good.

Words Spoken or Written Can Be Powerful

I recently posted a thought on my FB status that has really caused me to think...imagine that!  I learned a long time ago to choose my battles wisely, but choosing my words wisely has been more difficult and come with a much high cost. Words can be spoken with feelings of love, support, kindness and understanding or with hurt, pain, deception and anger, and once spoken, they can't be retracted. 
I can think of words that should have been spoken more like "I love you" and words that could have been spoken less like "I, me, and you," used in the wrong way. This week I spoke up once and actually misjudged, spoke unkindly and was way out of line and twice this week when I wanted to rip someone's head off, I kept my mouth shut. So how do you know when to speak up and when to shut up? 
A good guide to that question might be to speak when it is uplifting, kind or at least done in a loving tone. If what you want to say is a jab, rude, hurtful and just to get back at someone, I guess that would be a good time to bite your tongue. What if the other person doesn't realize how rude or mean their behavior is, well I guess that is their problem to learn from!  It is just frustrating when something becomes a topic of gossip. 
Thought to self: is it really gossip if the party talking was involved in a situation first hand? I guess if it leads someone else to believe in a falsehood, it could be...interesting. 
I also learned that there is no such thing as constructive criticism. Criticism is criticism. Even if you give it in a constructive manner it is still criticism. Words spoken or written can be very powerful. 
So with my first encounter this week, I quickly apologized and made adjustments to my thinking. With the second incident, I tried to smother the other person with kindness and love and with the last incident I ignored it. I know the truth and that is all that matters, others can think what they want and so be it. Which one do I feel best about? The middle one, smothering the person at fault with kindness. Hard yes, but at least my conscience is clear.