Inside Grace's Thoughts - Surviving After A Suicide

Valentine's Day? Hummmm

2012-02-14T17:12:00.000-08:00

So what do you do on this day when there is no one special love of your life? I started first by expanding my "love" circle to my kids and their loves. Sent them all cards to arrive today. Then I went a step further and sent all the high school girls I work with at church a card, just in case no one thought of them as a Valentine. Yesterday, I started to think about my middle school church girls, what if they didn't get anything? So while I was working yesterday, I bought the 'Candy Grams' the middle school was selling and had them delivered to their classes today.

But when Valentine's Day actually came, I laid in bed all morning not wanting to deal with it or with the fact that maybe no one would remember me. Then I had to make an attitude adjustment. This was ridiculous. I got out of bed and started making cupcakes. When they were ready, I drove to my aunt's house and told her she was coming with me. We delivered cupcakes to single friends we both new around town and a few other people we just love. Took us most of the afternoon. Then we went to a late lunch together. As we were getting ready to leave the diner, two of the young men from the high school came in and were waiting for their dates, who just happened to be two of my favorite girls. I teased the boys, gave them a few tips then made one more delivery.

Now I am home, still alone, still somewhat sad, but yet very happy because service helps us to think of others and not dwell so much on ourselves. I learned a lot from the wonderful people Donna and I visited today. Some who may be lonelier then me. I am thankful that somewhere in my life other people taught me to serve. Life is all about choices and attitude adjustments. Today I made a choice to adjust. Happy Valentine's Day everyone.

Sometimes A Good Cry Can Cleanse the Soul

2012-02-01T13:25:00.000-08:00

Today I got on the treadmill and walk/jogged for 45 minutes...in tears. I wish I could say it was from the pain of exercising but it was not. More like a mind overload or meltdown. Many things are on my mind. What am I doing with my life? Why does everyone let money run his or her lives? Why can't I sleep at night or focus in the daytime? Who am I, no really, what defines me?

I love music; loud, popular music. I turn it up loud so I don't have to think. It sometimes keeps my mind occupied and off of thinking. Other times it makes me think too much. I like my eyes and my hair. I hate how I look in pictures because of my weight but that is a never-ending battle. I can be happy with it; it just is not great for attracting guys! (I was smiling and laughing as I typed that) I am religious but often forget to practice what I truly believe. I love being my own person and doing what I want but ironically I hate being alone. I believe I would do whatever I could in my power to help a friend or family member.

Right now, my thoughts are focused on letting go of my youngest so she can move into her new marriage stage of life. A friend once told me that you raise them the best you can then let them go and pray they make good choices. I believe all of my children will do just fine. It was exciting for me to let them go and watch them move into finding their own way. What I did not realize was how hard it would be with the last one. She is ready to move on and I am ready to let her go, but what I did not realize is what the next stage for me is? I am guessing this is when the nurturing mother starts putting more focus back on her husband. Therefore, that leaves me wondering what I am supposed to do.

The best answer I can come up with is get a job so I have a life! Not for the money, but for a life. This brings me back to the topic of "Why does everyone let money run his or her lives?" If you do not have money, all you think about is what you could do if you had some. Some people will sacrifice everything to gain money. When you do have money, you can easily become a Scrooge so you do not lose it. Money can be "the root of all evil." My mom had $15,000 in cash hidden in her house for a rainy day. She showed me where it was just in case she died before she spent it. It was to go to her 3 children. Well she died before it rained and then her boyfriend took it all so none of it even went to her family like she planned.

Money is one of the things in this life we depend on for survival, but we cannot take with us when we die. I look at my late husband and wonder what he worked so hard for. For me to live alone in a nice house. Yes, he worked to provide for the kids and me, but he missed so many recitals, plays, fairs, and vacations that I went on with the kids alone. No one knows how much time he or she has on this earth and money is pointless beyond this life. Make sure making money does not take over spending time with your family. Being alone has opened my eyes to how much money cannot buy. Maybe that is why I am so bad with budgets and saving money. Mike did not live long enough to enjoy all his hard work. Is it wrong for me to spend it on my kids and enjoying life now?
So through tears of confusion I push through my exercising on the treadmill. I am actually smiling and I am happy, but I can also be confused and lonely at the same time. It is life and I will make the best of it, through tears and smiles.

My wonderful family
(minus Marie who loves being behind the camera!)

Life Is Good

2012-01-25T16:45:00.000-08:00

So a lot has happened in a few months time! I enjoyed another trip to Hawaii to pick up Rachel from college before Christmas. She vowed it would be my cheapest trip ever and fed me at the campus cafeteria and housed me. Good times. It was fun to meet all her friends and to see her in action working at the Polynesian Cultural Center. Rachel, Chris and I hiked to Makapuu Lighthouse and then Rachel and I later did a hike to the look out on top of Diamond Head. We also had a great time snorkeling at Hanauma Bay. I think the only things I paid for was the flight, rental car, and eating out a few times!

We arrived home and Christmas was upon us. I had so much fun with all of my immediate family home for 2 weeks. We laughed so much playing games and watching movies. It was good to get to know Jeffrey's wife Elaine better and to spend time with my grandson. We had our annual cookie day with a twist...we skyped Chris Ivie and his family and made cookies together. That was like doing a cooking show over the internet! Christmas was a wonderful family time. Jeffrey called after they returned home and said he felt a bit home sick...that actually warms my heart to know he had so much fun he was a bit homesick. It was great to have Chris surprise Rachel and join us for New Years, but you can read that fun story at Rachel's blog: "Fireworks"

The answer to his proposal

Ethan with Santa's cookies and Rudolph's onion

One of our marathon game nights!

After all the excitement and 8 four hour round trips to the airport, everyone went home but Ethan. Ethan and I had a blast playing together for the week. He is so much fun. When the week ended it was time to drive him home to Utah. What a fun week that was too! My friend Christy drove with me so I wouldn't be alone. We spent the time down there running around planning Rachel's wedding and reception. (you must read her blog above!) It was great. By the time we were ready to head home we were dodging snow storms but we made it. There was one scary moment when I had to guide Christy, who was driving, by the snow measurement poles on the side of the road. That was heading into Pendleton where the ice storm was hitting and we stopped for the night.

Now I am home and trying to get back on top of everything, but I had to stop and be thankful for all I have. My wonderful children and their spouses. My fun grandson who broke my heart when I told him I was leaving to go home and he said, "Don't you love me anymore?" My dear friends who love me even with my short comings, the wonderful youth in Sequim, and my wonderful caring co-workers at the school, have all left me a better person. May this New Year bring the joy of peace and happiness into your lives no matter the challenges life throws at you. Keep smiling, I know I will be.

Lesson's Learned

2011-11-20T00:18:00.000-08:00

I have been thinking a lot about what I have learned over the last 3 years. There have been good and bad lessons learned. I have learned you will get hurt many times trying to find love again. It makes it hard to open your heart but I believe there is still hope. I have learned just because someone is your friend does not mean you can't trust them with your money. I have also learned that even at my age, some men don't understand no and will try to take advantage of you. No one I went out with, just a dirty old man; somethings never change.
There have also been some good things I have learned. My children are my rock. My extended family is so supportive. My girlfriends are amazing. And even with the bad lessons, I may cry for hours or days, but I can smile, forgive and slowly move on. That is the main thing I have learned. Smile, forgive and move on.

A World Of Opportunities

2011-11-05T00:31:00.000-07:00

What a world of opportunities I have in front of me! I cannot say enough, how fun it was to participate in the Global Women's Summit in Los Angeles last weekend. It helped me to realize how to make a few of my dreams come true; very empowering! I met so many wonderful and talented women with such diverse occupations, dreams and skills, but yet all very similar in many ways. It has put me back on track with writing my book too! I have three manuscripts that have been proofed and now I am merging them together to glean the best finished product to get published.
I really appreciate all the support and guidance people have given me. The youth around me are so wonderful! We need to applauded them more often for the amazing things they do. I am thankful so many youth are a part of my life. It has been a pleasure serving the youth at church and at school. In our crazy world they are shinning stars.
The other day when my youngest was have a tough day I sent her a text saying, "You are my sunshine on cloudy days!" and she wrote back, "You are my cup of hot chocolate when my soul gets cold." When she posted it on facebook, she wrote, "I have the best mother in the world." For the record, I have the best kids in the world and I love them dearly. We need more love in the world. So after you read this, go tell someone you love them. Smile at a stranger, wave to a neighbor, and be polite while driving. All these little things make the world a better place, one person, one deed at a time. So if you are reading this, I love you too!

Now, It Is Finally About Me...For the Most Part!

2011-09-30T15:38:00.000-07:00

So I have been living alone for 2 months now for the first time in my life...ever! Again the question is constantly posed to me, "How are you doing?" I like to respond with, "Fine. Have you seen the movie, The Italian Job?" For those of you who haven't seen this movie, fine stands for F-freaked out, I-insecure, N-neurotic and E-emotional! Now having said that, aren't we all a bit 'fine?' I will admit that I spent the last three years taking care of my kids first and now that I am alone, the first few weeks I broke down and cried more then normal.

After dropping off Rachel at school in Hawaii last July, it took one week of being home alone to go stir crazy! I packed the car and went to California. That was an amazing trip. I traveled where I wanted, when I wanted and saw people and places I wanted to see. This past summer I para-sailed, cave swam, zip lined, rode horses, inter-tubed behind a boat, hiked to a waterfall, road a 1,570 ft sky lift above the Redwoods, hiked to a sea lion cave and played in the Pacific Ocean off of Hawaii, Oregon, and California! I had some great times with special people and great times alone. I even did some grave hunting and found the 1943 grave of my half brother who died as an infant. It was unmarked so I am having a simple marker put on it. I doubt if anyone will ever see it but me, if I get back to Eureka, but it felt good to not leave him in an unmarked grave. It was a great summer.

I was home for a week and again ready to go stir crazy, but then school stated and I worked a little and life settled down. It is really quiet here, sometimes I lay awake all night wondering how to make myself fall asleep. I do still have fun. It only takes 5 minutes to set up the huge wall screen, so alone I still watch movies. In one day I can go from starting a new puzzle, to working on the computer, exercising, sitting on the new deck in the sun, reading a book, walking the dog, remembering I forgot to eat, working in the yard (yep, I really do), getting in the hot tub and even cleaning up things every now and then. Once in awhile, someone will talk me into helping out with something and I feel the love of this great small town.

Having said that, I do know what I want for my future. I know it is not something I will easily find here in this small community. It took a good friend to point this out to me. The question was asked to me, "How many dates have you gone on here? How easy is it to meet people your age here?" Both answers were not great! So after much thinking, I am going on a new adventure. I am renting out my house for 4 months and moving into a condo/apartment right in the heart of a big city. My older kids and grandson will be closer but not too close. Now I just need all the details to work out and come together!

When you are my age, there is no point in wasting time. I have said it a million times and I will say it again, people who say, "I will be happy when..." or people who are waiting for something but they don't know what, or people who are trying to get things in order first, are losing precious time. They will always be searching and will never find what they want. It is now my time and if things aren't happening, I am ready to go out and make them happen.

A Beautiful Tribute

2011-07-11T17:39:00.000-07:00

So today I was randomly going through files on the computer and trying to find things I can delete when I came across a poem. At first I thought it was a cool poem written by a daughter to her father, but it just fit uncannily to Mike & Rachel, then I realized it was written by Rachel. I had never seen this before and she will most likely not be happy with me for sharing it, but I think it is beautiful and shows her deep love for her dad.

My Papa, My Daddy, My Father

You were my light in the dark,

The one that kept me from going astray.

My papa, my daddy, my father,

You raised me in every perfect way.

My daddy was an angel down here below,

Now he’s an angel up where the winds blow.

Far, far away, yet still close to my heart,

I still can’t believe you chose to part.

To part from me, your little helper,

Your little darling girl.

After you left me at only 15,

Daddy who would be the one

To pester my dates when

I turned sweet sixteen?

Who’d be the one to see all my shows?

Or to give me away on that white wedding day?

I wish you would have stayed.

The note that you left me on your now empty bed,

Said, “Leaving you is one of the hardest parts of my decision to leave”.

As I sit here, wiping my tears on my sleeve,

Cold and numb, wishing you were here to save me from this glum.

You chose to be dead,

To overdose on the only thing that was saving you,

The only thing keeping me with you.

Forget all the troubles,

Forget all the pain.

I will only remember the good times that remain.

Where you would tuck me tightly into bed,

Where you would kiss my forehead and wish me sweet dreams.

No matter what, I love you.

My family is forever,

And I can’t wait to see you…

Once again.

Three Years...

2011-06-30T15:24:00.000-07:00

I was running around the house my happy normal self when I looked at the calendar and stopped in my tracks. It hit me that Mike died three years ago today. As a family, we are doing very well but dates like today still just creep up on you.
I recently had a conversation with my youngest who doesn't get real excited if I talk about dating or moving on, so I asked her why. She stated that she didn't ever want to see me get that hurt again. "Again?" I asked. "Do you think your dad hurt me?" We went on to have a nice talk and yes she was right, he did hurt me. It was the kind of hurt that no one should have to go through, but, we are all stronger and moving forward.
I am happy that my oldest is doing well and going back to college. I am proud that she is finding ways to stretch herself and learn. She wears her emotions on her sleeve and it is hard to watch her beat up herself sometimes. She is an amazing woman, wife and mother who has survived a lot. I pray someday she will recognize just how much the Lord really does love her. All her experiences will help her be more compassionate and understanding to others hardships.
As for my son, well since I last wrote he has graduated from college and married a fine young lady. We are all excited for them. They will both work at UofU while he applies to schools for his PhD. I am thankful that he was able to continue his education without financial setbacks. He is still the solid rock of this family. I often turn to him for advice and he is mature way beyond his years.
This was also an exciting year for my youngest. She started high school quiet and shy and finished as the Senior class president! She received numerous scholarships for her high GPA and the School Service Award for all her hard work. This past May she did her last high school show playing a Narrator for Joseph and the Technicolor Dream Coat. She leaves on July 14th for college in Hawaii...LUCKY. Of course I am taking her to school... She had been my best friend these last years and I will miss her.
So the number #1 question our family is now asked, "What is Grace going to do home alone?" The answer, "I have no idea!" I knew this day would come and it came really fast. I love my house but the yard work is hard to stay on top of. The community here has been wonderful to us. So for now I am taking one room at a time and de-cluttering it. If it hasn't been used in three years, throw it away. Heck if it hasn't been used in one year throw it away!
Biggest concern? I don't like living alone, but I don't want to rent out space in my house. I don't like not having someone to kill the spiders and scary away the spooks at night. I don't like eating alone, going to church alone or relying on others to fix things I can't do. I don't think I will crash after 3 years of taking care of everyone else, but I will be lonely. At least loneliness is something I can control somewhat.
I have the best kids anyone could ask for. They are all different and unique. They are mine and I love them and they have brought me so much joy. Thanks to everyone who has supported me and my family on this roller coaster of life. It isn't over, just constantly changing.

Closure - For the Most Part

2011-03-09T19:55:00.000-08:00

I used this blog after my husband died for my therapy. I did not want to go see a shrink, yet I knew I needed to express my thoughts somewhere at any given moment. Most therapy is short term and mine is over now. I am 100% ready to leave it all behind and look to a new future. There will always be moments in life when memories are strong, pain is deep, or tears will flow, but life is like that. I am happy and my heart is healed. My final goal, with this crazy circumstance that was thrown on me, was to write a book. I did. I don't know if it will ever get picked up by a publisher but it has been sent in. I gave it the Title "Grace Under Pressure," a title an old friend suggested. Thanks Gene. I have meet my goal and I am ready to stop writing this blog. Maybe someday I will start a new blog. Thanks for all your support and love. You will always find me on facebook!
If the book is ever published, I hope you will read it. There are a few extra chapters in it. If you ever want or need a motivational speaker who has smiled through adversity, let me know. Motivational speaking is my next big goal!!!
"If you ever become discouraged or feel too weak to continue living...remember the strength you can receive through the enabling power of grace. You can find comfort and assurance in these words of the Lord, 'My grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them'" (Ether 12:27)

Three Important Lessons

2011-01-22T12:21:00.000-08:00

Back in the 70's, I was in the Oakland Temple Pageant and it had a major impact in my life. I think that is when I first realized that the religious things I had been taught from time to time, were real. It was hard to live my life religiously when my family wasn't religious. That was the major decision for leaving home to go to a private church college. Due to those decisions as a teenager, my life started a slow process of change for the better.

I work with the youth in my job and at my church. I really wonder sometimes if they realize

how short life really is
that what they do now really does matter to their future
in the end, very few, if any, friends will be there for them, sometime even family won't be there but our relationship with the Savior will only change if we do, He will always be there

I watch the youth a lot and some absolutely amaze me. Others I worry about. Life is to short to throw away. We all assume we will live long happy lives but that isn't what happens. Good people die young too, and we never know what our future holds. We can hope for cures and a safer world but there will always be new diseases and issues that will affect the world. Bad decisions others make can play a role in our life. What we need to do is learn to love life now. Learn to use the situations we are confronted with to become better people. The statement, "I will be happen when..." needs to be deleted from our vocabulary. Be happy now, do things now that will make your future more enjoyable.

What we do now has a huge affect on our future. The more dishonest you are now the harder it will be to be honest in your future. The attitude one has about morality and dress standards as a youth are usually carried on in life and very hard to change. The work ethic you set in high school and college will most likely be the same as you have for a job or with your family. Positive change is one of the hardest things to succeed in. It is possible, but the older you get, it seems the harder it is to make changes. I can look back in my life and see some of the decisions that I made and how they change the path I was on. Fortunately most of them were good decisions but not all of them.

I am one of the few people that can say my childhood friend has stood by me my entire life. Maybe that is because I am the only 'family' from her past that she has. Friends are important to have but they can often change throughout life. Everyone always says at high school graduation that they will keep in touch but it rarely happens. Fortunately with the internet we can reconnect a lot easier with people. Even families can drift apart, but the one constant is Christ. He doesn't leave or change, we do. It is like the picture of him at the door but he can't come in unless we open it.

Humans are good at rationalizing anything to make it alright. If we practice rationalizing enough, we can truly start to believe ourselves. The theme for our youth at church this year has been around for a long time. This time when it was introduced it really hit me, this is a good motto for life. It gives me hope and yet guidelines to practice bettering myself. I just pray as I work with the youth at church, they will grasp the importance of this theme and use it to better their lives.

“We believe in being honest, true, chaste, benevolent, virtuous, and in doing good to all men; indeed, we may say that we follow the admonition of Paul—We believe all things, we hope all things, we have endured many things, and hope to be able to endure all things. If there is anything virtuous, lovely, or of good report or praiseworthy, we seek after these things” (Articles of Faith 1:13).

Why Is It So Hard As Christians to Forgive?

2010-12-29T21:25:00.000-08:00

Triggers, what are they and why do we allow them effect us? Last week I went to the store 3 times in one day and twice I had to walk out before I would burst into tears. Some days it was better to not be around people at all. Monday was one of those days. I was a basket case and couldn't deal with life. So as to not break down in tears when Christmas carolers showed up, I became defensive, ornery, and a bit unkind. Rachel told her friend that I am not as strong as people sometimes think. She is right. To overcome the weakness of being out of control, sometimes we eventually become cold and numb to life. I sat through an entire Christmas program and felt nothing because I had shut down.
This is when we sometimes do and say stupid things because we have to find something to be in control of. That is about how my week went. The most interesting thing I have relearned from all of this is that no matter how Christian we are, it is hard to follow Christ when it comes to forgiveness. When I come to know I have truly made an error, I do everything I possibly can to correct that error. I try to make amends, I take responsibility for my actions. Sometimes I will even take the blame when I am innocent so others can feel better about their actions. It also brings me peace to know that when I have done all I can and others don't respond, I can turn it all over to the Lord and no longer carry the burden because He will. That is what the atonement is all about. The part that still stings is the gossip and comments of others but I guess that is in where the lessons lie as to not repeat our stupidities. So if anyone out there thinks I have done them wrong and I haven't said anything, it is most likely because I am unaware. It is nice to know we are all human doing the best we can and that we all make mistakes.
I can't say that this Christmas was easy, but due to wonderful friends it was made more enjoyable. My biggest mistake was not surrounding myself with family by leaving here, but we always learn the hard way. It was wonderful for our dear friends in Redmond to invite Rachel and I to have Christmas with them. In some ways it didn't feel like Christmas, but it wasn't painful like being home alone. It is always good to have excited kids around so that it adds to the magic. So again, we are forever indebted to the Munks for their kindness.

If All My Thoughts Were Released Right Now... Well I Am Too Nice Of A Person For That!

2010-12-21T10:48:00.000-08:00

So what is really rambling around in my thoughts right now? Well, so many things I can't think straight would be a good start. Many people think the holidays are tough for me directly because of the effect of Mike's suicide on me. Not really. Most the time he didn't get me anything or do anything special for the holidays anyway. Our family did lots and he would often participate. Not always, but many times when I think of fun family activities it was just the kids and I. On Christmas Eve Mike would do a little program, but for many of our family activities he was in the background or even absent.
What is the hardest for me is watching how it effects my kids. My friend said it best recently when she wrote to me "...suicide loss does not "heal." The effects may stabilize, but the loss is forever felt. Personal values and beliefs are shattered. The individual is changed emotionally." Marie has a family to focus on, Jeffrey has a future family to focus on, but Rachel is the one I feel bad for. I purposely take off around holidays to keep her mind busy and thinking about the present and not the past. This year for many reasons I won't go into, she requested to stay home. We still have 4 days before Christmas and this one has been the hardest so far. I can only imagine what she was expecting to happen, but none of it is and most likely will not.
It is my job as a mother to help my children. It is not meddling or causing drama when I need to find out if something is truly wrong or it it is just growing pains. For me this is even more important. I find I watch my kids more then normal to make sure there is no signs of real depression, like their father had. I watch for unusual behavior and yes, sometimes I act too quickly out of the love and concern I have for them. Fortunately when it comes to Jeffrey and Rachel it is always growing pains. Lessons that are hard to learn in life but will make you stronger in the end.
So how do Rachel and I get through this Christmas and New Year with just the two of us. Sounds kind of pathetic to do all the traditional cooking and activities with just the two of us. We have been invited to join a few families, and no offense to them but Rachel would rather at least be around kids her own age. It is tough during the holidays because it is a family time, so families like to be together. I guess that is where we were different and maybe she doesn't understand that. Our home was always open especially during the holidays.
We have a 'Red Plate' that Mike would set on the table every Christmas Eve dinner. It was a place set for Christ so He would know He was welcome at our table. On the rare occasion that someone showed up during Christmas dinner, well that is where they were sat. 'Verily I say unto you, Inasmuch as ye have done it unto one of the least of these my brethren, ye have done it unto me.'
I am fine staying home alone or with Donna or going to one of the places we were invited. There are a lot of emotional triggers. Rachel, well I wish she could be surround by loving friends on Christmas Eve or day even if just for an hour, but I doubt she will impose and I will be left to deal with her sadness, and then we get to do it all over again on New Year's Eve and day. This is one break that I can't wait until it is over.

Jeffrey have fun back east with the future in-laws and don't forget to call on Christmas.
Marie and Chris, have fun with Ethan on Christmas and have him call me!

2010-12-17T00:23:00.000-08:00

Well it is December. We got through November just fine. No one mentioned Mike's birthday during Thanksgiving and I was fine with that. I don't even know if anyone thought about it. I know Rachel had a hard day, but I didn't ask her why or bring it up. I have already moved on but in a lot of ways she has not. Rachel thinks of me moving on as forgetting or not caring about Mike anymore. I needed to move on a long time ago. A person cannot live in the past. She knows this but I still think it is hard for her to see me let go. Rachel is perfectly fine with me dating others after she is off in college and not around! Silly girl. I think it just scares her; she will get over it! I am grateful that Rachel and I got away during Thanksgiving and that we were able to spend some good quality time with just the two of us.

It was a good break for her right before the big Winter Wishes Assemble that she was in charge of at the high school. We both put a lot of time into the assembly. It was our way have having the Christmas spirit this year. Rachel and I will be spending Christmas at home by ourselves. Not bad, just kind of different and lonely. Oh well, Jeffrey will be back east with his fiancee and Marie, Chris and Ethan are staying at home.

On another note, why are people so angry and why do they tend to jump to the wrong conclusion? Just throwing that out. I am really getting tired of people who judge unjustly. Sorry just thinking about that lately. Well I want to go to bed before 1am for the first time in three weeks! Hope everyone is finding the spirit of Christmas somehow and somewhere.

Holidays Are Approaching

2010-11-10T11:46:00.000-08:00

Well it is that time of year to make it through the holidays. I don't have to hard of a time. I think it is a lot harder on Rachel then on me. Thanksgiving is hard since Mike's birthday falls during that time. It really doesn't bother me but it does affect Rachel. She will be doing a college tour that day so hopefully we will keep her mind off of it. We tend to like to get away for the holidays to start new traditions. This year we will be gone for Thanksgiving but not for Christmas. Christmas it will be just Rachel and I . . . alone. Weird. Jeffrey will be with his fiancee's family and Marie & Chris are supposed to be with the in-laws. A few people feel sorry for us and have invited us to go to their place but they are all hours away and Rachel and I actually want to be home. Since there won't be much to do with presents with the two of us, Rachel suggested we do most of our gift giving to the Winter Wishes program at the high school. That is cool with me. If anyone else needs a good cause to donate to during the holidays, let me know! I have connections....

Anyway, life is good. I am recovering from surgery on my middle finger, which is a bit awkward, but doing fine. I managed to get the yard all taken care of before winter sets in. Now I need to do a run to the dump. I still have junk of my moms all over the place that I have been going through. Need to get that stuff out of the house and garage soon. Almost to late to do a garage sale. Spent a lot of time scanning her pictures so the family can all have access to them. So life is busy and good. Had a few trials but they are just there to strengthen, so we move on!

I still have the best kids in the world and love them a ton. I guess right now I can't complain!

Letters, Photographs, and Saved Treasures Can Tell You A Lot About A Person

2010-11-01T19:55:00.000-07:00

I have spent a lot of time lately going through my mother's stuff. I think she saved every paper that ever crossed her path! I had a lot of fun finding lose photographs from the 1940's and 50's. I scanned most of them and then put them in a pile of who should get the picture based on who was in it. I also plan to make a disk for my sisters so they can have access to pictures I might not be sending them. It takes a lot of time and energy. Sometimes I have to walk away for awhile. I have tried to photograph as much of her stuff as possible and send pictures to my sisters so they feel they have had a good choice asking for the things they want. I have seen to many families get pulled apart after a death by a selfish executor or greedy family member.
I enjoyed sending each of the grandchildren and great grandchild a check from her estate. It was small, but it was something. I love family and I hate to see it pulled apart by distance and disagreements. Always the peace maker, that is me. I will often take full blame for something just to save a relationship, even if I wasn't the one at fault. I just like to be happy and I like others to find happiness.
Today was cool and also sad going through things. Mom had a lot of binders full of stuff. As I went through them throwing out all the articles she kept from magazines and newspapers what was left were a lot of cards and letters. I noticed a sad trend; almost all of the letters and cards were from me and my kids. It saddened me that we didn't write even more. It must have been lonely for her sometimes. It also made me happy to know we tried. I hope someday when I am alone my kids will remember and teach their kids how important letters and cards are for grandparents. Because she kept all the letters we sent her when we lived in Korea, I now have a better journal of our time there.
We as a society need to remember that with all the fancy technology, a handwritten letter or note to someone has a huge impact. I am glad my kids tried to be a large part of her life. Now I understand better why they all had such a nice relationship with her. Maybe I shouldn't say this but I can also see why she always told Rachel that she was her favorite. She was closer to Rachel then she was to the rest of us and I can see that by going through her stuff. Interesting.

Sometimes I Want to Shut this World Out of My Life

2010-10-19T17:50:00.000-07:00

Today has been a slow day, slow in the sense that my mind won't stop dwelling on certain things so I can get other things done. I find it interesting that what started out as just letting my thought get out of my head and not really thinking people would care to read them, turned into having so many hits and now things I can't discuss because of who may read it! I need a vacation from this town, my computer and life in general...is that possible?

Good News/Bad New
#1 Good news is I beat the IRS! The case in now closed and they own me over paid taxes. That is pretty amazing to state when just 2 years ago they wanted over $90,000 from me for 15 years of extensions filed, over paid but never completed and I fought most of the battle alone. I have to thank Maria Cantwell's office for finding me a tax advocate to help me settle the last 4 years that the IRS was fighting with me on. It is over and I won! No lawyers, no fees, no payments, just hard investigative work on my part to prove their errors.
#1 Bad news is I will probably never get back the investment I made right after Mike's death to someone I thought I could trust but was wrong.
#2 Good news is I have amazing children with high standards that I can trust and who have always told me the truth. That is an amazing thing in this world of sin and confusion. They are my rock. In fact, a lot of the time they are way better then I am.
#2 Bad news is that bad decisions on my part, have led to gossip and problems for the one child who is so strong in values that anyone who truly knew them would never even suggest such a things.
#3 Good news my youngest, Rachel, was crowned Homecoming Queen last weekend. She was truly shocked. I didn't know if she would win or not but I new she deserved it. She has changed so much over the last four years and has really tried to come out of her quiet, shy, shell.
#3 Bad news is some people see her shyness as stuck-up and snobby. Guess they don't know her well enough and that is too bad. She hates her time wasted. She is so broken heart when some teases her about things out of her control. The other night at the homecoming dance, she missed the Royalty dance and Andrew the King was left on the floor until someone else joined him. Some gossiped that she was off with her date. Truth was she was told Royalty pictures would be at 9 in the little gym, so the went over at 8:57. No one ever told her the dance was first. They waited at the pictures and when everyone showed up they told her she missed the dance. She was horrified and feels awful and people won't let it go. It was an honest mistake and no ones fault, just something that happened.

Love To You and Your Family Kim

2010-10-12T11:13:00.000-07:00

This posted by Kim says it all:

R.I.P. best mommy i could ask for. i love you mom. always will. Clara Vaughn Duce October 28, 1963-October 11, 2010. ♥ Kim

Life Is Too Short

2010-10-07T10:15:00.000-07:00

I am going on with life like normal, but one of my teenage friends is losing her mom to cancer as we speak. I feel so helpless in what to say or do for her and her family. It is so strange how after going through loss myself, I still find it hard knowing what to do to help others. I can't change the outcome of what is going to happen. I can't tell her everything will be fine because for a long time it won't. It is hard to lose a parent, but as a teenager it must be painful. I know for Rachel every time something new comes up she can't share it with her dad and it is hard. It makes me cry when I think of both these girls growing up without one of their parents. They are definitely both strong girls, but also very sensitive. You have to keep going knowing that there is a bigger picture. God has a purpose even if we don't understand it. My friend has some rough weeks ahead of her. For now I do know I can pray and give her my love. That is the one thing I constantly needed, the love and prayers of others. Just to know someone is thinking about you helps tons. I love you and your family Kim, hang in there. I will always be available for mommy hugs...I am good at that.

Staying Afloat

2010-10-01T10:44:00.000-07:00

It has been a long time since I wrote anything on here! I have been working on proofing the book version before I give it to the proof readers...okay that sounds weird but I am trying to limit the errors!

September was a busy month. I worked for the school district everyday but 3. That makes me one busy substitute! I agreed to work 1/2 days every Tuesday in the office and that will be fun. I am also in charge of the class of 2011 graduation party. That is a major big deal here. I am enjoying it so far and the people that have stepped up to the plate are wonderful. That and substituting will keep me busy this year.

As for life at home, well with every free moment I have I go through boxes of my mom's stuff. Most of it is junk but may have sentimental value to one of us kids. So I have been taking photographs of everything and putting them on a document to send to my sisters so they can see what they want. This has been a huge undertaking. Getting the stuff up here, well that was an experience I would like to forget but it may take awhile. One of the reasons I haven't been on here is because I didn't know what to write about that weekend. I still don't, so maybe I will wait until the words come to me. I will say I was very disappointed in my mom's partner, but I guess people grieve in different ways.

So I guess I am moving forward everyday and trying to stay ahead of it all. I don't feel like I am drowning, I just feel like I am barely getting things done! Life is still good, my kids are all happy, my grandson is the cutest little guy on earth so no real complaints here.

I have had some great times with the teens here and on our trips to Redmond, football games and shopping. Now it is time to start saving $ for our next adventure and time to go dance in the living room....one of my favorite songs just came on!!!

Some Days Are Just Meant To Be Off Days

2010-09-09T00:27:00.000-07:00

I guess it is a good thing that life is never dull. School started this week and my dream job position is open at the high school. Having said that, I am not going to apply for it : ( There is no way I can work full time this year with Rachel graduating. She is the senior class president which means I get the honor of heading up the senior class party after graduation and Jeffrey is getting married in May. I still have two estates to close out, Mikes and my moms, plus I have to still tend to my aunts needs now that she is home from rehab. So for now, I will enjoy substituting and having fun when I can. I love the students at the high school. They brighten my day!
I have had a lot of good laughs lately but I have also had a few cries. Last Sunday I had a panic attack, weird just weird. I had a lot of stress trying to work out details for picking up my mom's stuff. On top of that, I was told about another suicide. It was how it was presented that bothered my more then the suicide itself. For some reason the effect was overwhelming to me and as I drove to my aunt's I couldn't breath and started crying. I guess things like that will go on for a long time depending how it hits me.
On the other side of life, I have had a lot of good laughs with special friends and have found myself smiling more then normal. So even with the days that things are off a little, life it still good.

Words Spoken or Written Can Be Powerful

2010-08-28T00:58:00.000-07:00

I recently posted a thought on my FB status that has really caused me to think...imagine that! I learned a long time ago to choose my battles wisely, but choosing my words wisely has been more difficult and come with a much high cost. Words can be spoken with feelings of love, support, kindness and understanding or with hurt, pain, deception and anger, and once spoken, they can't be retracted.
I can think of words that should have been spoken more like "I love you" and words that could have been spoken less like "I, me, and you," used in the wrong way. This week I spoke up once and actually misjudged, spoke unkindly and was way out of line and twice this week when I wanted to rip someone's head off, I kept my mouth shut. So how do you know when to speak up and when to shut up?
A good guide to that question might be to speak when it is uplifting, kind or at least done in a loving tone. If what you want to say is a jab, rude, hurtful and just to get back at someone, I guess that would be a good time to bite your tongue. What if the other person doesn't realize how rude or mean their behavior is, well I guess that is their problem to learn from! It is just frustrating when something becomes a topic of gossip.
Thought to self: is it really gossip if the party talking was involved in a situation first hand? I guess if it leads someone else to believe in a falsehood, it could be...interesting.
I also learned that there is no such thing as constructive criticism. Criticism is criticism. Even if you give it in a constructive manner it is still criticism. Words spoken or written can be very powerful.
So with my first encounter this week, I quickly apologized and made adjustments to my thinking. With the second incident, I tried to smother the other person with kindness and love and with the last incident I ignored it. I know the truth and that is all that matters, others can think what they want and so be it. Which one do I feel best about? The middle one, smothering the person at fault with kindness. Hard yes, but at least my conscience is clear.

A Start At Thinking Clearly

2010-08-22T13:15:00.000-07:00

Sometimes it takes the intelligence of someone else to help us gain our perceptive back. Thanks to a patient teenager, who lives outside the walls of our home, I learned some valuable lessons today. It also opened a flood gate of tears that have probably been backed up since my mom passed away. So I guess it was good to finally let loose and cry. The fact that I had just finished putting on my make-up was a pain but it also enriched the reality of my errors.
We all make little and big mistakes in our lives but owning up to them is hard. If I recognize the mistake, I am willing to own up to it quickly and recognize where I was at fault. The step after of forgiving ourselves, is more difficult for me. It is often harder to forgive ourselves.
So what did I learn . . . again, I believe we often learn the same lessons over and over until we get it right, well I learned:

Don't judge unless you are in a court room or have authority. If you only have bits and pieces of the information your judgments will be in error.
Be quick to recognize when you are at fault. There is nothing worse then a friend who won't admit they made a mistake.
Be loving and compassionate. The written word even with good intentions can be misread. If you have a problem talk directly to someone with love and compassion so information is accurate.
Trust people who have earned your trust and don't keep making them re-earn it.

It is amazing how much we can learn from our mistakes if we are teachable. I know I learned a lot this time around and I am thankful for a wise youth that can easily forgive.
As for being so emotional? I just went to a spiritual education week full of classes and couldn't bring myself to attend hardly any of them. Maybe I needed to have a good cry and didn't want to do that in front of people so my emotions were very guarded and I stayed away from things that might touch me. I haven't slept much so I know I am not thinking clearly. When I have too much time on my hands, like the 15 hour drive we just did, I tend to think too much or blast music in my headphones so I don't have to think. Which is odd since the lyrics often make me think more. Oh well, now I have a whole day at home and all I can do is think.
Thank you to all my patient friends who are guiding me through the lessons of life. I believe it is time now to go get a cup of cocoa, sit by the fireplace, work on forgiving myself for stupid mistakes, and 'think' about what the next step is in my life.

Farewell To A Wonderful Mother

2010-08-15T09:13:00.000-07:00

What a crazy week. My mom has been living with her high school sweetheart for the last 13 years in Vancouver WA. I had never seen her happier. Since my moms passing my heart has ached for him more than anyone. I drove down Wednesday afternoon and picked Phil up and then we started the two day drive to California. We had a lot of laughs and a few tears on that drive.
Earlier in the week, I had talked to my sisters and we decided that mom would want everyone there, so we arranged for all the grandchildren to be able to fly in that were far away. Every one of her children, grandchildren and great grandchildren (except for one week old Aalleai and her mom) were there. We kept things simple but beautiful. After Jeffrey gave a short message on John 14:27, we had what I like to call a living eulogy. Everyone told a favorite memory about grandma. It was awesome to hear the different relationships everyone had with her. If there was one thing constant in all of it, it was that we recognized the wonderful change in her after Phil came into her life. It is also gatherings like this that we regret the time we didn't spend together that we could have.
One of the favorite memories of mom was whenever you went to a restaurant with her, she would always blow the straw paper at some unexpected diner at the table. Without fail she always did this. So Danel, my sister, spoke about that and then blow a straw paper for mom. There where also straws in some of the flower arrangements! What a fun memory. It was interesting to see how different she was at different times of her life. After my dad passes away in 1982, she was more nervous, scared and worried. When Phil came into her life she changed to playful and calm. Amazing how someone can bring such comfort to a person that there is such a noticeable difference.
After the service, we went to the cemetery and Jeffrey dedicated the grave. So much responsibility has fallen on that young man and he has always handled it so well. It was wonderful to see my sisters and nieces and nephews. They are strong wonderful young people. I love to see how unique and strong each one of them have become. They have survived well the insanity of our family!
After everything was over, we drove to a local restaurant and had a great time socializing. You can imagine with 30 people in a restaurant there were straw papers flying everywhere in honor of mom. I think mom would have been pleased. It is sad that in this world of constant change, we live so far apart that it takes something like this for cousins to get to know each other better. With all the crazy stuff going on, our family isn't so bad now is it?

Too Many Emotions for 24 Hours!

2010-08-15T08:16:00.000-07:00

On Sunday night, Jeffrey called to tell us he was formally engaged. He had told me a few days earlier it was going to take place, so it wasn't shocking or anything. We talked about how it happened and what the plans were. Then of course I sent out an e-mail to tons of friends and family. He asked me if there was anyone I thought he should call, like grandma. Well it was about 9pm and I figured that the rehab facility she was in had already put her to bed, so I told him to call her in the morning.
I have learned over the years that when a call comes in before normal waking hours it usually is not very good. So at 5:30am when my phone rang and I saw that it was my mom's love Phil, I knew it wasn't good. Through tears and anguish he told me that my mom had passed away in her sleep at 5:15am. I was shocked. She was doing so well and improving so much everyday. We were both in shock.
As he left to go to the center to see her, I called my sister. She was shocked too. We had both just been to see her and she was doing so well. After the stroke two weeks earlier mom had already gained the mobility of her right hand back and was even feeding herself. I called the rehab center in hopes, I guess, that there had been a mistake made. No mistake. In fact a lot of apologizes for not calling me first as next of kin and power of attorney. I was so glad that called Phil first.
As you can imagine, I couldn't go back to sleep. It was a bit early but I started to gather information that I would need like addresses of the funeral homes, cemetery, relatives, etc. I was already to start taking care of things by the time it was 9. The mortuary in Vancouver was a bit more difficult to work with then the one in Petaluma where she needed to be shipped, but we got everything taken care of. At times like these you go into this numb state of just having to get things done. I am good at that.
In the mist of dealing with all of this, I had to go to an appointment for my aunt with the rehab center she is at. Well I walked in 5 minutes late and everyone is sitting there and my aunt blurts out, "always late aren't you." May I say in my defense that I am not always late. I am often late when dealing with her just because I have to get in the right frame of mind! Anyway, I stood in the doorway and just blurted out, "Donna, my mom passed away this morning." Of course everyone sat there not knowing what to do or say while I realized the my mom was also Donna's sister. So I chuckled and said, "you are right, I am always late. Thanks for making me laugh for a minute." We hugged and shed a quick tear and then got down to business.
Now remember, my son just got engaged and then my mom passed away. Now I am sitting in this meeting being told that Donna could be released on the 25th but had to go home to 24 hour care and could she come to my home... Let's just say I sat there in a daze shaking my head and saying yes because she is family and what else am I supposed to do? My head was spinning and the walls were closing in.
After arriving home, I started to realize I could not do this to my daughter her senior year. I could not do this to myself. I don't have the strength physically, spiritually or mentally. Fortunately I was able to talk to my Bishop who agreed that we needed to find a better way to take care of Donna. I felt some relief and then went back to making the arrangements for my mom.

How Do You Survive?

2010-08-02T22:40:00.000-07:00

I recently talked to a friend who was in a business relationship with someone who suffered from depression. They stated that it was so hard because things could change so quickly and this business relationship was only for a few years. Then came the statement I often get. How did you survive 27 years of marriage under those circumstances? They had a small taste from a different kind of relationship and could see how it must have been incredibly hard. There was empathy and understanding between us.
So how do we survive situations like that for long periods of time? Some people are in denial. They don't want to accept or admit that there is a problem. Some are enablers, some try to fix the problem while the person walks all over them. Some are angry or scared and run from the problem and some know how to love unconditionally. I would like to say that I was mostly the last one and tried to love unconditionally. But honestly, I was a little bit of everything. Especially after being in a relationship with someone who suffers from depression for so long. You go through all of it and there are good days and bad days. I just like to think I went through it better then most so that is why I hung on for so long.
I have also found that generally I can spot someone who suffers from depression pretty quickly. I can see it in how they treat people, their mannerisms, what they say and how they say it. If I am around them for very long I can see it in their body language. I guess that is a gift I now have after living with a depressed person for 27 years. But it is still difficult to know if it is what I call situational depression or if it is clinical and life long. We all go through situational depression in life. It is how quickly we can bring ourselves out of it or if we can even bring ourselves out of it that is the determining factor.
I believe counseling is good for all people from time to time. You don't have to be sick or insane to see a psychiatrist or marriage counselor. You just have to make sure it is a good one. For me, my counseling sessions are between me and a friend and they are free! It really is great to have friends who listen and a blog that gives me the chance to express myself. It is my therapy and it is free, but I don't suffer from depression either.

Making Sense of Everything

2010-07-31T12:33:00.000-07:00

I am so tired. After spending 8 hours on bills and stuff for my aunt, I drove 4 hours to see my mom. I am not so sure I am ready to handle two estates when my own hasn't closed yet. Let's just hope that my aunt and mom both recover quickly and go back to taking care of their own things. Not because I don't really want to but because I want them to recover.
Spending time with my mom was happy and sad. She wasn't real bright before the stroke but now it is like talking to a three year old that is learning to talk and walk again. She smiles a ton and has some fun expressions. The workers LOVE her because she is so easy to take care of.
From one minute to the next she can't remember things. I made her a picture book with lots of family pictures and our names so she could look at it and then put lots of pictures on the wall in her room. There is one picture of her from 1947 that is beautiful and she always knew it was her. The other person she picked out the most was Rachel my daughter. Rachel and mom have always had a good bond. Mom had to live with us off and on from the time Rachel was about 2-4. During that time they would have tea parties and play together. It was fun for them both. For some reason as a toddler Rachel called her grandma Dede and that has always stuck for them. I was glad she could remember Rachel.
She would often think I was her sister. If I asked her to repeat something I said, I would have to be careful because she would literally repeat everything I said. I took her on a walk around the rehab center and a gentleman in a wheelchair said hi to her. I told mom to say hi to the man and she said, "Say hi man." It was kind of funny. He was a bit puzzled since he had said hi!
They are taking excellent care of her and Phil is there everyday. He had to go out of town so I went down to be with her while Phil was gone. It is hard because they have lived together for 13 years but never married. That meant that I was given Power of Attorney for her and he felt excluded. So I made sure everyone knew he could have all knowledge of her condition and they could call him for information. I told them to treat him as her husband. He cried when I told him that. He definitely loves her.
The best way to describe her situation would be to say she knows things but when she talks something different comes out and then she stares off like she is wondering why those words came out. It is like her mind is working but it can't come out.
I have to say, I am glad that when Mike took his life it ended quickly for him. If he would have survived and been in the hospital messed up, it would have been even harder on all of us. There is still a lot of healing to do. I recently came across something that one of my children wrote. About a year after Mike's death, they started locking them self into a room and hurting themselves, mainly using a curling iron to burn their arm. It puts the pain into a different area of life. I am glad to know that was a phase that came and went quickly, thanks to a caring third party that had a major impact in their life.
You cannot push depression aside and pretend it isn't real. You cannot assume everyone is fine a year or two after a suicide. You cannot expect survivors directly involved to get over it. It takes years of pain, tears, questions, guilt and figuring out how to let go of it all and be happy again. I am one of the lucky ones who can move on and be happy. . . most of the time.

WARNING NOTICE and Just Surviving

2010-07-28T00:35:00.000-07:00

WARNING NOTICE - I am actually working on my book that is based off my blog. I plan on including all comments. They will only have a first name attached to them and any private info that may have been in a comment post is being removed. IF YOU DO NOT WANT A COMMENT PRINTED OR YOUR FIRST NAME ON IT you have 30 days to contact me and let me know.

Having said that, working on a book is difficult. It is making me revisit everything and that is hard. I have finished about 133 pages and am working on cleaning them up right now so the font and stuff is all uniform. It is a huge undertaking and I guess my next step is finding a proof reader (I am awful at spelling even with a spell checker!) and a publisher. Rachel said after the book tour (haha) we should travel more! I am hoping this book will actually sell. I would like to donate some of the proceeds, if there are any, to NAMI - National Alliance on Mental Illness or the Suicide Hot-lines/Prevention. I wrote an introduction about life leading up to the blog so it helps people to truly understand what our family has been through.

Now onto the "surviving" part in the title. We arrived home from our trip abroad and Rachel took off for another 3 weeks of visiting family and different camps. I have seen very little of her which means I have been alone a lot. That might not have been the smartest thing to do. It has been very lonely around here. I did have Max a German foreign exchange student living here for two weeks, but he was gone a lot of that time. I have found myself wasting a lot of time and accomplishing very little. There have been no tears, but I have been melancholy and just bla.

I am trying to deal with my aunt who is recuperating in a rehab center and now my mom had a stroke and is in one too. I am Power of Attorney for both of them and the demands sometime are overwhelming. My aunt and mom need me to do a lot of financial paperwork for them and I don't want to deal with it sometimes. Believe it or not, to escape I have gone out and done yard work. Yes you heard me correctly, I have been willingly going out to do yard work. I pulled out 125 feet of wire fence and redid 5 tree planters. Not bad for someone who hates working outside.

I find I am not eating properly or at all sometimes. Right now it is like I don't mind being invisible and am fine not talking to people. On the other hand, I received a few calls lately and I really enjoyed the company of the callers. Spiritually my life is a wreck. I find myself playing loud music so I don't have to think. I hope I snap out of this soon because I am starting to miss the other me!

What Now And Where Do I Go From Here?

2010-07-18T16:56:00.000-07:00

I have had a lot of time alone the last few days and I am trying to figure out where I fit in and what I want to do with my life. I have one year left with Rachel at home and then what do I do? Here are some interesting things I have observed. They are just observations, not bad or good and I certainly don't mean any of this negatively.
Last week when we arrived back from Europe, we stayed the night in Redmond. I felt so at home. Going to church the next day after being gone for 3 Sundays was like going home. So many smiles and friends. I love just hanging out and talking to the Calvert's and Munk's and feel so at home there. Granted I always spend time with the teens more then the adults, but it just feels so comfortable.
My kids are all in Utah visiting each other. Max, a Germany foreign exchange student from 2009, is here at the house visiting his friends so I am not totally alone. But in the last 4 days the only time the phone rang was when Phil was calling to tell me how my mom was doing (she suffered a stroke last Sunday) or telemarketers begging for money I don't want to give them. I did go to lunch with my friend from Redmond who came over for the lavender festival, I also worked the parking lot fundraiser with the cheerleaders, and I walked around the festival for awhile with one of my favorite families. I also spent a lot of time home . . . alone. Now that isn't necessarily a bad thing, but it made me think. What am I going to do after Rachel leaves? I don't like being in this big house alone and honestly, I don't have very many friends here that I can just drop in and bug like I did in Redmond! I went to church and sat alone today, one teenager came up and gave me a hug then no one really ever smiled or spoke to me unless I started the conversation or it had to do with the classes. I tried. I started several small conversations, but I just don't feel like I fit in around here. Of course I do with the teens when they are not all gone on vacation! So my question again is what am I going to do when Rachel leaves? I love my home but hate the yard. I like the weather here but not the seclusion from the city. There is really no opportunity to date or meet people around here. I am down 45 pounds but still look heavy so I doubt I stand out in the crowds of singles! HAHA!!! So let's say after Rachel leaves I can do anything or go anywhere I want. What do I want to do? I have no idea. I can't keep traveling and having people take care of the house and animals. I am not a bottomless pit of money! Although that sounds like the funnest thing to do! I would go to England, Danmark (that is how they spell it), Australia, South American Ruins, Panama Canal, Washington DC and Fuquay-Varina NC!!! Then maybe I could come back and teach history or geography and make it come to life. But if I did that I would never get the chance to date and plant roots so I feel more at home. I could just stay home and write a book which would save money so I could pay someone else to take care of the yard! It is amazing how we have are lives planed out then something happens to change it all and then we don't know what to do. I guess it is a good thing I have a year to figure it all out. Maybe I should spend that time making friends and feeling more at home where I am.

An Amazing Trip With My Daughter - Then Back to Reality

2010-07-17T00:58:00.000-07:00

It is always fun when you can spend time with your children. Rachel and I had the wonderful opportunity to go to France and visit our exchange student who has come to our home twice now. Since we were going all the way to Europe, I asked Rachel what other country she would like to see and she picked Italy. So we spent 4 days in Rome, 1 in Florence, 1 in the Cinque Terre and 4 in Venice. Then the rest of the time we spent with our exchange student, Alice, in Paris. We had a great adventure and nothing ever went to terribly wrong. We missed a train once but that was about it! So here is a short comment on each:
Roma: (Rome) Trevi Fountain is beautiful, the Form and Coliseum are cool, the Vatican is massive and fascinating. Favorite memory is climbing the Cupola of St. Peter's Basilica, all the stairs and the food.
Firenze: (Florence) the crazy people watching soccer and yelling in the streets!

Cinque Terre: The beauty, peace, color and the fact that I made the hike and tried anchovies! and the stairs...
Venezia: (Venice) late night walks with Rachel, the Doge Palace, gondolas, walking everywhere and more stairs! The shops, Grand Canal and Murano. All the masks Rachel tired on especially the ones with glitter!
Marseilles France: The sleeper train on the way there was great but hard to sleep on!

Paris: Alice, Anais and their families, Eiffel Tower, Musee d'Orsay, Louvre, Arc de Triomphe, Louis Vuitton, Versailles Palace, but especially the French Assembly. Evening dinners in the backyard, 100 degree weather and Parc Asterix with it's crazy loops! Night's in the Paris lights and just spending family time with Alice and Anais' families.
All in all we calculated that if you add the Spanish Steps, Cupola, Cinque Terre hike, Venice canal stairs, Eiffel Tower, subways, etc we climbed over 5,000 stairs in 21 days! We went on 6 airplanes, approximately 21 trains, 2 buses, 40 subways, 8 boats, and half way through Paris my shoes fell apart and had to be glued! AMAZING, simply AMAZING. Oh and European keyboards have the keys in different places and make it hard to type!

Now not to end on a downer, but we came home and had to go back to the reality of life. My mom had a stroke the Sunday we arrive home, my aunt is still in the rehab center after coming down with Guillain Barre Syndrome, my kids are all down in Utah and it is kind of lonely here. Interesting how one week you can be so busy doing so much fun stuff and the next week you are stressed out and lonely. I missed all the walking I did in Europe, so today I walked to my doctor appointment. It was nice but I have to get back to reality now and pay the bills.

Traveling the World

2010-07-03T01:53:00.000-07:00

So I haven't been on here much because Rachel and I have been traveling in Europe. We are having an amazing time. We strated in Italy and are now in Paris with our exchange student Alice. It has been wonderful and keeps our minds busy. We were traveling on the two year anniversary of Mike's passing and it made it go by easier. Didn't have time to think much. I don't know if Rachel did, we didn't talk about it. I will be able to post pictures and write more when we get home. French keyboards are all scrambled!!!

SUMMER IS HERE!!!

2010-06-19T11:29:00.000-07:00

It is summer and work at the school is over! I need a break. Rachel and I have a great summer planned, so I will keep you posted as to what is up. Take care, be safe, SMILE and be happy!

I Will Be Happy When...

2010-06-08T00:13:00.000-07:00

You ever heard someone say, "I will be happy when I move into a bigger house," or "I will be happy when I get married." Happiness does not come when you reach a certain point in your life or have a certain thing. It comes when you decide to be happy. It seems to me I have written about this before, but it is on my mind again. (And I get it, in some cases you may not have total control over your happiness) I have been thinking about this a lot and trying to figure out how Mike did it. How did he survive for so long with so many heath issue and still maintain happiness at least 75% of the time.

Mike was a perfect example of someone who suffered tons but chose to be as happy as he possibly could. When he felt good, he did everything he possibly could to serve and help others, to study, pray and worship. That is what helped him to fight his health issues for so long. In the end it wasn't just the depression that got him. It was not getting the right help from a stupid doctor and getting news of a failing body due to his diabetes. I think he knew the medical bills from failing kidneys, urinary track and other complications due to the diabetes would ruin us financially. I think he saw how happy we were over at the new house while he was gone most of the time and I think he realized we could make it without him. Mike never got angry at God or lost faith in Him or lost faith in what he believed in. As much as I hate some of the things we went through together, Mike is the one that taught me to be strong. He is the one who never blamed God or walked away from Him, he knelt in pray and read his scriptures daily. Mike's strength in the gospel is what keeps me moving forward today without him. He endured and then in a weak moment with no one around to help him, he gave up on himself, not on God or his family, but he gave up on himself. If he chose to be happy for 75% of his life with those trials, I should be able to chose to be happy at least 95% of the time. Since I have never met anyone as bad off as Mike had been, then that tells me most of the time everyone can choose to be happy sometimes. At least that is how I see it.

The Highs and Lows in Life

2010-05-19T23:08:00.000-07:00

When there are large gaps between posts, one of two things is happening. Either I am too busy to sit and type something up OR there is so much in my head I am avoiding typing anything. This time it is a little bit of both. I have been very busy working and just being mom. May is never a good month anyway. The year after Mike's death had a lot of first and that was hard. Every time something happened that was a first without him, it took a lot to hold things together. In the letter he left behind, he even mentioned how hard it would be for him to not be here for a lot of Rachel's "firsts" like her first date, prom, etc. So those moments can still be hard.
Now we are coming to the end of the second year. Honestly for me it wasn't as hard as it was just numb. No feelings at all. Our anniversary came and went and I really didn't think to much about it. I posted something on my facebook that day about how it would have been 29 years. A few people made comments to cheer me up, but I wasn't really down. It was just another day. My birthday came and went and it was pretty low key. Rachel and I were both sick and I worked so we didn't do much. Then on Mother's Day Marie and Ethan left for home with Jeffrey so that was a downer day! But I don't cry much at all anymore. It is just numb.
May has brought both highs and lows this year. Lows because of conflicts and highs because of accomplishments. I haven't had so many conflicts with people in a long time. Often it was me doing or saying something stupid and sometimes it was others. I usually have a high tolerance for people but I even lost my patience with a man in a meeting I was in. Not like me at all. I don't feel stressed . . . but then again I am dealing with the IRS still and that is stressful alone!

One of the highs this month would be the school musical. They did "Into the Woods" and I thought they did a fabulous job. Rachel was fantastic at her role as the witch even though she was sick with a sore throat all 6 shows. Her fellow actors did a marvelous job also. This first pic has Danny and Abby as the baker and his wife being visited by the witch next door (Rachel.)

Rachel is an old ugly witch but turns into a beautiful but still mean witch. This second picture is Rachel talking to Rapunzel her "daughter." There are several videos on youtube that you can look at if you search "Into the Woods Sequim High School." The kids put a lot of hard work into the show and did a wonderful job. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gt-HhTl3phE
Another high this month was Rachel being elected as senior class president for next year. I am very proud of her because the leadership class has really helped her to step out of her comfort zone and try things that don't come easy to her. Jeffrey is doing great in school still and continues to amaze me with his strength. I am also very proud of Marie for realizing some changes she wanted to make in her life. Change is hard. I hope she does better then I do with that one! All in all, life is good and my kids are amazing. We all have our pitfalls and issues, but who in life doesn't.

In Lifes Up and Downs the IRS is Definitely a Down!

2010-04-19T23:52:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I have so much flying around in my head I don't even know where to start. I have been dealing with the IRS again and their back penalty and Interests of $96,000 they think I owe. (Giant gasps inserted at this point) This always makes me crazy when I try to work with them on this. I have been on the phone for three hours now with five different people and still have no answers. Of course my records along with my CPA show I shouldn't have to pay anything, but you try and tell the IRS that!
Still no marker on Mike's grave and it is coming up on two years now. Makes me feel like a real schmuck.
Oh, I am typing most of this during the times the IRS has me on hold. Get this, I need to send in a form 843 for abatement for each year I am requesting. The form has to know the exact amount requested but the IRS can't figure out how to tell me how much each year is for!!! And we agreed to turn over our health care to these people. Is this country NUTS!
On another note, my aunt that lives by me has been in the hospital for a few days now. She developed a rare syndrome called Guillain-Barre Syndrome after having pneumonia. They didn't catch it at first and I feel bad for not seeing her condition as serious as it was. I took her to the hospital the first time and they sent her home. Then I threw my back out picking up laundry of all things and couldn't help at all. I kind of feel bad about it, but there wasn't much I could do. I am feeling better now but I have my work cut out for me taking care of her when she is released in a month or so.

As for me, I had a great weekend traveling with my daughter and our church youth group to Canada. It was wonderful but it also brought up a lot of emotions that I have a hard time dealing with. Each of my kids had a different relationship with their father. Rachel never wants to hear anything about him if it is negative in any way. Of course after being married for 27 years and dealing with his depression as closely as I did, I have lots of memories - good, bad, wonderful and awful. In a lot of ways I am angry at him for taking his own life and so more often my feelings of anger toward him come out in conversations. I think this is normal and part of the healing process, but I can't talk about these types of things around Rachel. I struggle with the doctrine that I believe and with what my husband did. In other words, I don't like him very much right now and I feel guilty because everything in my religion is centered on family. I am not good at being the head of the household. I am not good with imparting spiritual wisdom to my children, and I am not good with scriptures and prayers. Mike always headed that stuff up and I haven't figured out how to fill those shoes. I get through life by just laughing and having fun, it seems to helps with the pain.

2010-04-07T00:46:00.000-07:00

It has been interesting that lately several people have asked me how my kids were doing, in fact more people then normal. I appreciate that people are concerned about my kids. It is good to know that people are watching out for them and that they care. The interesting thing is right now they are all pretty happy! Jeffrey is doing well in school, just got a scholarship for next year and has a great understanding and outlook on life. Marie, although she doesn't want to move back to Utah, has been doing much better and seems to find more happiness now then last year.
As for Rachel, I have not seen her this happy for years. She is busy and does stress over school work and tests, but she is really happy. There has only been one really bad anxiety episode in the last few months. I attribute a lot of her happiness to her boyfriend who treats her like a queen. I couldn't have picked a better young man for her to date. Their moral standards are extremely high, they spend the right amount of time together and still give each other space, and they do really kind things for each other. Yes, I am a bit jealous!
My son-in-law treats Marie like a queen too! I guess I am a pretty lucky mom. I have no doubt that Jeffrey, when married, will treat his wife as a queen also. I am thankful that they are all such wonderful kids.
So what would make some people concerned now when the kids are doing so well? Not sure, but it caused me to probe and ask some questions! You know what I found out? They are happy and doing well! Oh there is the usual frustrations with school work, tantrums & toddlers, and friends that aren't being real "friends," but all in all life is good.

Rachel was telling me the other day that studies have been done that show how people react when processing something. When someone gives her directions, she looks off to the right and visualizes what she is to do. She looks off to the left if she is recalling something. This is very normal, but it has been mistake by some that she is not paying attention. Anyway, right now I am counting my blessings that my kids are enjoying life best they can and if people don't believe that, maybe they are the ones changing!!!

Rethink, Adjust, and Keep Going

2010-03-29T12:24:00.000-07:00

When we moved 2 1/2 years ago, it was hard for Rachel to connect with friends, being shy didn't help. We noticed that the teens here didn't really have a hang out place. That became one of our goals, to provide a place the kids could hang out, have fun and be safe. It was a slow process especially while Mike was still alive. He often didn't like to be around groups of people. After he passed away, it became extremely important to us not only to provide a gathering place but also to make sure Rachel would move forward and not seclude herself or crawl into a hole, and me too, I guess. That is why we started having late start breakfast here whenever possible and giving rides to kids whenever needed.
There were many nights when we had a few extra Holloway, Cain, Turner, Gilliam or Kings here later then 1 am! After midnight I would start asking, "Your parents okay with you being here?" The typical answer would be, "ya, I checked in." I had to trust they did and hope some parent wouldn't get mad at me. We had some amazing late night talks. Some say the Holy Ghost goes to bed at midnight and kids can only get in trouble after that...I say he is always present when the setting is worthy of it.
If it wasn't for the families here (and in our old hometown) loaning us their children from time to time, it would get very lonely and quiet here. Our routine night would be a movie then bed. We have seen just about everything there is worth seeing. Having extra kids over helps to break up the monotony even if we do just watch another movie. I don't mind feeding them and I don't mind driving them home even when it is all the way across town and late at night. But in the desire to fill our homes loneliness I guess I have lost touch with what other families desires might be.

I sometimes wonder if people realize how truly lonely life can be for me. For some reason I connect better with the youth and have more friends under 20 then above, but even they get tired of a mom hanging around with them. Don't get me wrong, I have a lot of wonderful adult people I know, but "hanging out" is a bit hard when they have obligations I don't have. Being a single adult in a family oriented church is a lot harder and lonelier then I thought it would be.
When my older two kids were teenagers, they homeschooled. We didn't really have set bed times and any given night the Klos, Bunt, Heath, Terry and Anderson clan would be over having fun. Now that I am raising my youngest I have even mellowed more, so you see I don't get worried about the time she comes home as much as I do just knowing where she is and who she is with.
So in my desire to fill our families needs, I have forgotten to take into consideration the needs of other families. What a dilemma I have created. Some may think my youngest is spoiled but I don't think so. I think I am a lot more patient, understanding and mellow. Years of learning to "choose my battles wisely" and knowing when to step back and let go have helped. Most of Rachel's friends are the oldest child in the family and they have greater responsibility to set examples for younger siblings. So I do get it. It is not remembering to honor other families rules as much as it is remembering to watch the clock and ask more questions about curfews. I trust my own kids so much, that I think I trust other youth to know their rules and boundaries hoping they will self enforce them. Isn't it great that life, every day, gives us knew challenges to learn from and better ourselves?

When Life Is A Mess...

2010-03-17T12:11:00.000-07:00

Short sweet and to the point. My car has been out of commission for 3 1/2 weeks now. The jeep was in an accident putting it out of commission. Fortunately everyone is fine but I can't get Rachel to drive again... yet. I didn't have full coverage insurance on the jeep, that sucks. Five yelling swearing kids up against Rachel, well she got the blame. I will say that I was on the scene of the accident in 5 minutes and I handled it they way I always wanted to: calm, without blame, and not worrying about things like cars but people.

So have I hit my breaking point yet? No, but I feel it coming fast. I think I am ready to become a hermit and shut the rest of the world out of my life, except my children and good friends. Without them I would not survive. So when life is a mess what do we do? We pray, reach out for help, smile and keep going. If we let the mess win, we only learn defeat and not strength.

Happy But In a Funky Place

2010-03-05T11:36:00.000-08:00

I am finding that I am keeping myself overly busy with work, listening to loud music so I don't have to think, and just avoiding certain things. Weird. What am I running and hiding from? Loneliness? I often find myself trying to take care of everyone else that I forget about taking care of myself. I am begining to wonder if I purposely take care of everyone else so I don't have to deal with myself... just a thought.
I need to get out an exercise. That is something I love to do, it is healthy, and I have been cleared by my physical therapist to go back to. So now where is the motivation? I always get this feeling I have to "look" better to ever attract someone but I just don't care to jump on the band wagon of being something I am not. For me to ever be this skinny attractive lady it would take an obsession with exercising and a lot of unhealthy pills. Been there and down that once, not interested in that again. It is werid because I am happy, I am just in the funky place.

ACTING: Appearing Normal When Messed Up

2010-03-01T00:44:00.000-08:00

Sometimes, when I haven't written for awhile, it is not because things are going good, but just the opposite. I have mentioned before that it takes me awhile to process things. I am also realizing that although I speak freely on my blog, some of the things that trouble me the most right now I can't talk about because they involve people who read it. Kind of a catch 22 if you ask me.
Honesty is very important to me. My kids understand this. I believe they know that I would rather they tell me the truth, even if I don't like it, then tell me blatant lies that someday may revel themselves. Having said that I also know that none of us are perfect and misrepresenting the truth is easy to do. To be honest with you, my kids have hardly ever out right lied to me, in fact I can't remember if they ever have. I am thankful for that. Other people have. Other people have really misrepresent truth and even, in my opinion, blatantly lied to me. That is a hard one for me to deal with and forgive.

My car left me stranded 60 miles from home 10 days ago and has been in the shop ever since. Rachel's schedule is crazy so borrowing her car can be tricky when she has to leave at 6:45am and I don't have to be to work until 7:30am. Driving the 64 Chevy is a real pain and also unreliable. Don't know when or if I will get my car fixed, money to get a new car if needed is tied up in a lost cause and honestly my brain is too frustrated to think about it.

I have learned since Mike's passing that I don't like being the decision maker. I don't like that the buck has to stop with me. I don't like that people take advantage of you in a time of loss and confusion. Although I seem to have my act together, inside I am often confused and unable to think straight. That is how I am feeling right now. I can express it in type for the world to read, but in reality I have no one I can to talk to.

Rachel singing "You Belong In Sequim"

2010-02-09T13:24:00.000-08:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8_4cBRrjTXY

This was written by Robin Hall for our town. It is a Taylor Swift Parody done for our "Senior Night Live" show. Where my daughter gets her talent is beyond me!!! The photo is at rehearsal before she got the wig!

February The Month of Love. . .

2010-02-09T13:21:00.000-08:00

I just worked out, showered, put make-up on and now I am writing on here? Makes no sense. The last thing in the world I want to do right on is start crying. I have decided the two hardest months for me are February and May not what most people would think. Most people would go with December because of Christmas and some other random month. I have all my family around me at Christmas so I do pretty good. The months that are hard are February because it is the month of love...it also happens to be the anniversary of our first date and Mike's proposal two years later. I make it through those days by just keeping busy but Valentines Day, bla. It was one of those hit and miss holidays for Mike depending on how he felt. He had a few good years but it passed by him unnoticed most years. Not that I want or expect anything, I just miss what it could be. The other hard month is May. I guess that is because it was our anniversary, my birthday, Mother's Day and the last time we spent time together before he died.
Some people may think that it is hard because someone in my situation is still trying to get over the loss suffered. I am alright with moving on. The past was alright and can hopefully the future can be better. One of my kids might have a little problem with letting me move on ;-) So far there is only one person she has allowed me to go out with...like she can really stop me anyway! For me maybe the hang up is feeling guilty because it seems so easy to move forward. I don't live in the past but the present is kind of boring. When you are not making new memories to replace the old ones what else are you supposed to think about. I think it is hard for children to realize you are not replacing their father, it is more like adding someone new in your life that could step in for them when needed. At least that is how I see it with my kids since they are much older. Anyway...

Rachel, her boyfriend, Healy & I (yes, I am taking a girlfriend because I can't find a date around here!) are going to the 5th Avenue to see "South Pacific" on the 13th as an early Valentine's. I am also taking them to dinner at Benihana's one of my favorite places since high school. So that will be nice. Not doing anything on V-day. Watching my grandson for a few days after it so Chris and Marie can spend some alone time together before he goes back to Iraq. If I can just stay out of the stores and all there sweetheart stuff, I will be fine. It doesn't make me miss Mike, it makes me miss love. That may sound weird but it is the love, passionate and simple that I have missed for years and years. At least my girls (who happen to dislike V-day the most) will be happy and with someone special. I guess I will be happy watching them be happy. As for everyone else, make everyday a special day and tell someone you love them. We just don't say those words enough.

Deep Rambling Thoughts Bursting Free

2010-01-26T16:33:00.000-08:00

I wish I knew what was going on in my head right now! Things just seem to be flying around all scattered. Here goes a few thought I will try to catch and put on paper:

I am still trying to figure out why I can't get on top of my spiritual side. I know there is a God, I just can't get my personal life to draw close to him right now. I do all my church stuff, I just fear drawing to close will bring up so much pain I am not ready to handle, so personal prayer and scripture study is still a bit hard.
I can not say enough how thankful I am that Rachel is dating a fine young man that goes to church and treats her like a queen. I haven't seen her so happy in a long time. Still with the happiness she is frustrated with her anxiety and ability to score well on tests. She works so hard and studies so much and still struggles to be where she wants. Now having said that, we are also working on the fact that perfection is not reality. Some kids would be so pleased to have the grades she has. To her it is not good enough. And well stupid teachers drive us both crazy and she has had her share of them.
In a lot of ways, what Rachel is experiencing with her boyfriend is what I have always wanted. In fact, Rachel is always telling me I'm jealous and she is right! Sometimes at my age I feel it is too late to ever experience that kind of happiness. Mike and I did love each other, there was just a lot of happiness missing. We had a high maintenance marriage with all the illness and we defiantly disagreed a lot on how to raise our kids. Seeing how they are turning out, I think we did a fine job. But like most women, there is this feeling of not being pretty enough, skinny enough, or what ever that big fault is. We can always find the faults, Satan will see to that.You see my mom has told me all my adult life I was fat and Mike had said a few mean things about that so maybe you can understand why I don't think I am good enough the way I am. Losing weight with a hip that prevents me from exercising doesn't help much.
So what do I want in a guy? Someone who loves me for who I am now. Someone that would cause me to want to become a better person but not make me. Someone who loves to laugh and be crazy but knows when to be serious and romantic. I don't like drinking, swearing or smoking. Someone who is spiritually strong where I am weak. Well, do guys like that even exist? Ya, they are just all married!

Believe me I am laughing as much as I am crying as I write this. Maybe my head will stop spinning now that this is working its way out. We are moving into February where Mike and I had a lot of memories. First date, two years later a proposal, lots of Valentines Days that were forgotten and lots that were great. I guess I am just gearing up for all that stuff you see in the stores and psyching myself up for a holiday I have never really liked. At least a few of my kids will enjoy Valentines Day! I can be happy with that for now.

Old and New

2010-01-21T23:22:00.000-08:00

This starts out with a post I wrote at Christmas time but didn't post due to the loss of my friends son. I just found it in my drafts so I will start with it and then add an update!!!
Dec 23
There is so much on my mind tonight and it is very late so I hope this makes sense. It has been a nice Christmas season for me. I enjoyed being a part of the high school's "Winter Wishes" that helped grant Christmas wishes to students. I loved seeing their faces and the joy the gifts brought at the assembly. It always helps bring the Christmas spirit when you give. We also had a lot of fun on "Cookie Day" making tons of cookies. We ended up with 24 plates with 6 varieties of goodies on them and still a ton of left over to eat! Amazingly I have not gained any pounds. It is also fun just having all my kids home. They are so cool and just fun to be with. I am so glad we are as close as we are and I hope that never changes.
I am sad to say that it has been hard for Rachel to get into the Christmas spirit. She just doesn't feel like it is Christmas. She has tried to do things for others and go to Christmas activities but it just isn't helping. I know that any holidays are very difficult for her now without her dad. On this one I just don't know what to tell her or how to help her.

Dec 27
Well the holidays are turning out great and Rachel is enjoying it much better then most holidays due to a fine young man who has made her feel like a princess. I am glad she has such good friends. I don't think I have seen her laugh and smile so much in the last year. It is really nice to see.

Jan 21
Well, I have actually avoided my blog a bit. I don't know why I do that. Either nothing really to write or I can't get the words out I want to write. The New Year has been good so far. I have had lots of work. I am even taking on a M-Th full time job in the library at the high school May and June. Someone is going on maternity leave. That way I can make the money we need to go to France this summer and visit our exchange student. She will provide housing so we just need travel money. That should be an adventure. I hope it will work out that we can go. I have some enormous bills to take care of first but the money I need is tied up. So we will just hope for the best.
I feel like I am living in a constant blur right now. I am doing so much but nothing well. I get things done at the last minute and rush around all the rest the time. I think I am ready for a break. Maybe I won't work next week! I have really enjoyed the substituting I am doing. I definitely have my favorite spots to work! Still spend most of my time with teenagers. Adult buddies are hard to find. Everyone is too busy! I miss my old lunch group and buddies in Redmond. I miss companionship. So staying busy is a good thing I guess.

Lots Of Emotions To Work Through During the Holidays

2010-01-04T13:32:00.000-08:00

Sometimes when things get too emotional for me, I can't get on here and write for awhile. I have to process my feelings so I can deal with them. The holidays were a roller coaster of emotions. It has been fun to have Jeffrey home from college and the kids all home together. We have a ton of fun together and they lift my spirits more then they know. Lots of late nights, games and piling into my bed. Rachel usually has the hardest time with holidays but this year a sweet young man made it the best ever. He came over Christmas Eve with a gift and asked her to be his girlfriend... (AWW, so sweet) When she open the rest of the gift the next day there was a card that said something like "one piece of paper is not enough to list all your wonderful qualities so I will just list the top 10!" He went on to list some of the sweetest things like how her smile brightens his day and how she is so kind to everyone. How could you not fall in like/love with a guy like that! My only comment was were are all the 50 year old guys like that!!! Anyway he was a great distraction for her from the sadness of the holidays.

I also took 8 teens over to Redmond for a epicenter dance on New Years (about 600 teens.) We started the day with ice skating, then Nurf wars, volleyball and pizza. Then the dance. It was all fun until I dropped them off at the dance at 9:30. That is when I drove to Factoria Mall and tried going to a 30+ single adult dance at the Mall. I have decided that going to a dance, to dance, is the worst for me. Mike and I were great dancers and standing on the sidelines feeling like a piece of meat being checked over sucks. I danced one song and the guy realized he was about 15 years younger then me! I guess I really don't look my age! Anyway, that was enough and I had to get out of there. I am finding that it is easier for me to surround myself with teenagers then it is adults. (sorry adult friends...) It is alright with my good adult friends I know well, but over here at the new place, I hang out more with teenagers. So I left the dance quickly and a bit angry at Mike for leaving me and allowing me to be alone. I did spend 25 minutes at my friends house playing a game before I headed out to get the kids. So as the clock struck midnight I found myself alone in the car driving back up to Lynnwood to pick up the kids and listening to songs that made me sad. I decided people shouldn't be alone during times like that. The next morning we headed home so that I could prepare all the food for another dance here in Sequim. That was fun because I kept busy in the kitchen (with the teens) and went out to dance occasionally with my son or the teens! I really am beginning to think I don't do well with other adults! Maybe it is because all my friends have spouses and I feel like a third wheel.Or maybe being around other couples is hard. I don't know, I am still trying to figure all that out.
I try to push through things for the kids so that it appears nothing is affecting me, but it does. The busier I stay the less time I have to think, but there are still a lot of times when I am alone with my thoughts and it is tough.
Having my dear dear friend lose her 24 year old son to suicide over the holidays was not easy but it isn't about me this time. She didn't even call me until the 26th because she didn't want to ruin my Christmas. Now it is my turn to be there for her. I knew I had to go to the funeral to support her. It was the first one I have gone to in the last year. I have chose not to go to others. It was hard but like I said it isn't about me this time. Having gone through what I have you would think I would know what to do or say but I didn't. Healy is so much like me. She is back at work today trying to move forward. She is very strong but yet has a very tender heart right now. My love goes out to her and her family.
One of these days I am going to write my book and figure out how to get out there as a motivation speaker mainly for the youth but to anyone who thinks life isn't worth living. Maybe if I helped one person it could help my healing move forward faster...

WHY

2009-12-28T19:29:00.000-08:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nd-2EkA4LgI

Healy and Family My Heart Goes Out To You

2009-12-26T18:57:00.000-08:00

I started a post about my week and the holidays but I will hold on to it for a day or so. Right now my mind is full and spinning. Depression is all around us and at some point in life it will personally touch us. What is sad and often hard to understand is when depression snatches a loved one from us due to suicide. Having been down that road, I wish no one else would have to go through it.
Healy, my dear friend and co-worker in Redmond lost her son Wednesday. He couldn't handle the battle any longer. I understand it so much, yet I don't. Amazing how I have been through what she is now going through yet I didn't know what to say to her.
When something like this happens you cry a lot. At first it is over the loss. Then you cry when you tell people not necessarily because you are hurting but you feel sad for the person hearing it for the first time. Suddenly we really need to have faith that what we believe about God is real. We need to have hope that our loved one is in a better place and that God will understand the pain they were in and now help us through our pain.
Suicide is never the best answer but all of us will be touched by it at some time in our life. It is hard to know what to say. It is often hard to keep going on without them. The future can be unpredictable as to when your emotions will just flow and when you can control them. Holidays are difficult. Life is never the same when you lose a loved one, but when it is suicide it is so hard to understand the why. Most of the time I do well with the "what if's and if I'd only" but they can still creep in and haunt you. There is nothing you can go back and do after the fact so I work hard at staying away from the "what if's." It is so hard. My love and heart goes out to the Landis family. I love you Healy and want you to know Aaron was a great young man. He is in Heavenly Fathers care now and will be fine. It is those of us left behind that need to lean on each other for support. I am here for you Healy and always will be. Aaron will be missed.

2009-12-16T00:52:00.000-08:00

The hip pain has subsided and I am starting to feel normal again! The doctor used a spinal needle and went all the way to the bone and injected another cortisone shot. They told me it would be painful for the first 24 hours. I don't think they realized the pain I was in because I was getting relief within a few hours. For once the pain wasn't constant. I almost feel like a wuss for complaining about it because it was just bursitis, but it was having a major impact on my life. I have been sleeping better and only have mild pain when I over do it. They are going to start physical therapy again also. So the good news is I am in a lot less pain even if it isn't gone completely. I can live with this.
On another note, life has been busy with the Christmas season. If there is one thing I have learned, it is if you want the Christmas Spirit you have to be willing to give. I have found so much enjoyment giving this year. The real joy comes when you can do it annoymously. The high school has a "Winter Wishes" assembly where they try to grant student's wishes. Some are silly others are heart breaking. It was a great experience to be able to help the ASB with some of the wishes. It has really shown me again how blessed I am. Sometimes some of the best gifts you can give are free: a listening ear, a hug, a smile, a kind word or any kind act. I hope everyone takes the time in this busy season of rushing around everywhere to stop and help someone.
I have tried to start new traditions this year and even bought all new tree decorations. I just felt I needed to move on and break away from the old. Rachel is having a difficult time feeling the Christmas spirit. I'm not sure how to help her. Recently when she was home alone for a few hours, she wrote on her facebook status: "I swear I just heard him walking down the hall...I hate those sounds that trigger memories. :( " She keeps herself so busy so she won't have to think. I took down a picture of Mike to put up Christmas decorations and the next day I found it back up. She is not ready to move on in some ways. I am.

Trying to Smile Through the Pain

2009-12-10T12:58:00.000-08:00

So I have dealt with pain; spiritual, emotion and physical. I usually push through it and come out smiling. I am about at the end of my tolerance for the pain I am having now. I have a very high tolerance for pain so this is very unusual for me. I have been dealing with this on and off bursitis for awhile now. This time I had 3 weeks of straight level 8-10 pain. Then I received a cortisone shot and it lowered the pain but didn’t really work well this time.

I have been to physical therapy, tried massages, had 2 MRI’s and an x-ray, used flexor patches, taken vicodin, used heat pads and I even bought an ultra sound device that penetrates heat into the hip. All this and I have had very little relief. I can tell because it is getting harder to smile and hide the pain. People are noticing so that tells me I am not dealing well with it anymore!

Today I have another appointment with a specialist and my regular doctor says it may be more then bursitis in my hip. The MRI on my back showed some irregularities in the lower back area. That is the area that took the brunt of our rollover car accident in 2002. So maybe we will get to the bottom of this. Walking can get so painful sometimes.

Yesterday my youngest asked me to bring her something. In my mind I was thinking ‘get it yourself’ but I painfully got it anyway. I am afraid one of these days I am going to snap and yell at someone. This is so not like me. Maybe I have just hit the limit of pain a person can handle in one year! To rephrase a movie quote in my own words, "Just keep smiling, just keep smiling."

What A Difference A Few Days Makes!

2009-12-04T19:03:00.000-08:00

It is amazing to me how each day can be so different. Things are going much better. I believe Rachel is finally adjusting to all the changes. Change is difficult for her; actually I think change is difficult for both girls in different ways. As for me, spontaneity is the spice of life! Contention in the home is the pits. Fortunately our home has been blessed with a lot more laughter then arguing. We have had a lot of laughter and for the kids being so spread out, it seems they get along pretty good most the time.

Yesterday the two girls made ginger bread houses together. I think they had a fun time and both houses turned out great. Rachel seems to have a good time with Ethan too, but a bad day at school can change everything for her very quickly. Speaking of school, I am on my lunch break right now at the school. Today I am teaching Biology and Leadership. Not that I really get to teach… the life of a sub is really to supervise a classroom of students attempting to misbehave for the sub while watching a movie or filling out a worksheet. Not much teaching happens with a classroom sub job. I am pretty easy going, so I enjoy it and the extra spending money is always a plus. Surprisingly I will get to finish the last hour of the day in the health class. It would normally be my free hour but that's alright.

One thing that has been reinforced several times this week in a variety of different ways is that you will never please everyone. It is impossible. Someone will always be disappointed, upset, unimpressed, or just negative. And you know what, that is there problem not mine. If I do the best I can do at something, then so be it. I work with a youth group and it seems there is always someone wanting things different. I had one parent tell me things weren’t “fun” enough and then a few months later they said they weren’t “spiritual” enough!!! Make up your mind. The program is for the youth and should be run by the youth. It is also amazing to me how negative kids can be about an activity when usually one of the kids in the group suggested it. I don't think they realize that someone else really wanted to do the activity and by making fun of it or not participating in it they could easily hurt someone's feelings.

Another example of not pleasing everyone could be as easy yet frustrating as deciding on a dinner menu. There is always someone who won't like what you fixed. Guess what? That is there problem, not yours. If I can stay focused on that, I have a much better attitude and a better day. Sometimes it takes me awhile to process everything, but at the end of the day, it is usually not my problem. I think that is one reason why last week was so hard. I'd forgotten my own rule and was taking everything personally. Glad to see I am back on the right track. Thanks to everyone who helped me through the week with all your kind words.

Somedays It Is Hard To Climb On Top Of All The Crap To See The Sun

2009-12-01T11:05:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I just wanted to crawl into a small warm cave and listen to loud music so I didn't have to think. To much on my mind. I am trying to process it all but I am slow at processing. Writing has always been helpful, so I will give it a try. I just hope people aren't judgmental with some of the things I write because it is truly how I feel at the moment it is penned. Thank goodness we can change our minds later.
It has been a tough week. Rachel and I are adjusting to having Marie and Ethan with us. I adjust a lot easier then Rachel, so I have to be the almighty peace keeper in the home. Marie has depression and Rachel has anxiety. Not a great combination for one person, but for two people living together. . . lets just say I get exhausted. Part of Rachel's anxiety causes her to want a perfect environment around her: clean house, order to everything, little money spent, basically no bumps in the road that she isn't expecting or it throws her. With depression a clean home, order and not spending money are . . . well not the first thing on the persons mind. I have to say that Marie is doing a good job at trying to stay on top of things and Rachel is trying to adjust to the changes, but it takes time and during that time emotions get high.
One example from last week is when Marie and I took Chris to the airport. After arriving home Marie didn't want to be left alone. Rachel, on the other hand, had stayed home all day and needed to get out. She wanted me to take her to a movie. I said, okay one wants me to stay and one wants me to go what am I supposed to do. Rachel blurted out, "stay with Marie she is the princess." Interestingly enough Rachel and I went to a movie... Rachel's coping skill is to make snide little comments under her breath, but they can be very painful and rude comments. All of us have been sick to one degree or another, Rachel's voice teacher was a real jerk to us last week, and with the silent frustration going on around here, I just finally needed MY TIME.
So the closest thing I have to a cave is my bedroom and office. So I locked myself in and cranked up the music. Loud music is one of my coping skills. It drowns out all the thoughts.
Then I lost it. I was so angry at Mike for leaving me with all this to do alone. I actually hated him for it. Trying to keep myself busy I started looking for things and couldn't find anything. Passports were misplaced, bills I needed to pay and I couldn't find the paperwork to get a cemetery marker on Mike's grave. So here I am locked in my room, alone, trying to deal and not let anyone see me like this. Angry, alone, frustrated, crying, confused and lost in my loud music when Marie lets me know that Rachel is crying.
So I stop my breakdown to go deal with Rachel's. Of course she is not talking to me at the moment, which by the way, was the driving nail that sent me over the edge. She is looking at a picture of Mike, crying, missing him and wanting him. I am so mad at him I just want to tell her what a jerk he was for leaving us. So I sit quietly with her until she is better and goes off on her own.
Meanwhile, I am angry at Mike but also feeling guilty that I have never put a marker on his grave after 1 1/2 years. So I guess for now I am still trying to climb up that hill of crap so I can see the sun creep through at the top.

2009-11-27T01:03:00.000-08:00

Sunday would have been Mike's 53rd birthday. I got through it mostly by not thinking about him or mentioning it to anyone. Thanksgiving was fine, we had it Wednesday because my son-in-law has to start his long flight back to Iraq on Thanksgiving Day. We put up all the Christmas decorations while he was here because I can't do it myself. (Not good with heights) Anyway, I bought all new tree stuff so we are starting some new traditions. We had the same tree style and decor for the last 27 years so I wanted something new. For our first fake tree, it is actually beautiful. My kids don't like fake, but it is easier for me. So we are set for Christmas now too. I hope I can sit back and enjoy the season.

I don't know how I would get through life if I couldn't write out my thoughts. Funny, I was never good at keeping a journal. This blog really has been a life savor to me in getting through the last year and a half. I have to think a lot before I process things fully. Which means the situation I am dealing with is often over before I think of a good way to handle it. Lots of people ask me for advice too. I wish I could give them better answers then I do.

I had to deal with someone recently that broke my daughter's heart. Not in a relationship way, just an adult that said some uncalled for things about one of my daughter's talents. He was wrong and it was really uncalled for. I was there when it happened and didn't even know how to respond or what to say. It took me by surprise and it also took me all night to process what had happened. I finally figured out how to respond appropriately and not rudely. To bad I didn't responded to him at the time. The hardest part was trying to convince my daughter that he was wrong, while she cried in my arms for an hour. I really hope I have never said anything so foolish that it deeply hurt someone.

We need to spend more time reinforcing the good in people rather then focusing on negative things. Life is hard enough so don't make it even harder on yourself or others.

Looking into my grandson's big, loving, trusting eyes just makes me melt. If I had one wish this Christmas season it would be that everyone who reads this does something wonderful for another person that they normally wouldn't help. Just imagine how many people we could touch. Start with a smile and a kind word!

?

2009-11-22T00:30:00.000-08:00

If they celebrate birthdays in Heaven, Happy Birthday Mike...

A Blog By A Depressed Person

2009-11-16T22:46:00.001-08:00

I recently read Eric D. Snider's web page (thank you Dave) and found it interesting and humorous. It might help some of you realize what it is like for a depressed person. He describes things very well. Having said that some might find his graphic pictures a bit offensive. But what he describes might help you understand life for a depressed person.

http://www.ericdsnider.com/snide/the-great-depression/

Correction, Updates and Memories!

2009-11-12T23:33:00.000-08:00

I need to correct myself. After a friend apologized for some suggestions she made I realized I may have intimidated friends from wanting to suggests anything to me! That is not what I meant. I appreciate wholeheartedly the ideas, books, medical info and stuff that has been given me. I still may not follow it, but I do appreciate it. What drives me crazy are the suggestions that come with "you are under stress and not thinking clearly you have to do this..." or "I don't think you can handle this maybe you should...." It is the comments or suggestions that are given with the attitude that they know better then I do because I am under to much stress or pressure. I actually perform better under pressure most of the time. So please don't take what I said wrong and be afraid to suggest books, doctors, supplements, and other ideas. I had a person tell me after Mike's death that I didn't know how to grieve properly because I wasn't do what he thought I should be doing. I am the one coping well and he is still trying to understand and figure out why his family member took their life years ago. So I am sorry if I offended anyone with my previous post.
As for the update, Chris arrived safely from Iraq for a short emergency leave. We had a conference call family meeting and Marie discussed with us her "plan of action." She talked about what she needed to change in her live, goals she was setting and all kinds of stuff that she had to fill out in a workbook before she could be released. After hearing her take responsibility for her actions and future Chris and I were able to give added opinion. The hospital made sure she had a plan. She is sounding great and we are hoping that her new meds will kick in quickly. I was very pleased with how they handled her case. It made me very sad to think about when I hospitalized Mike in the psychiatric ward at the University of Washington in 2000. They had him do some of the same activities but added pointless art activities. They never had me involved with anything and I was never talked to by his doctors. Maybe I am forgetting something but I remember coming away from his hospital stay feeling like "what do I do with him now?" With Marie we have a plan, we were involved in the discussion of it and her doctor's seemed to rely heavily on the support of the family. I wish I would have had that with Mike.

It Will Not Happen In My Family Again!

2009-11-10T16:37:00.000-08:00

Things I have learned:

I will not allow the disease of depression to take another family member without putting up a major fight.
No one has ever been in the exact situation I am in so thanks for the advice, but honestly you don't know what is best, I do. I do appreciate suggestions, advice, talking and stuff, but I don't have to follow it. Right now I am in control, I do know what I am doing, and I am thinking clearly and in the best interest of my family.
No doctor is going to shut me down and not listen. I proved that this weekend and they actually thanked me after they listened. They could also tell that I knew what I was talking about and that I am capable of dealing with the current situation.

Having said all that, I better explain where those comments are coming from. My daughter Marie also suffers from depression. Although hers is very different from my husband, it is also the same. Where Mike would surround himself with positive things, service and good music, Marie has always surrounded herself with depressing music and negative things.

Her medicine was changed in September and never worked. So she was hitting a major low. I talked her into going back to her doctor last week and he gave her a new prescription but she never filled it. I called her most mornings to make sure she was up and taking care of Ethan. Her life revolves around Ethan right now so she was doing the best she could. I bought the house she lives in and made sure Jeffrey moved in downstairs to keep tabs on things when Chris is gone. I have had a plan from the day Marie moved to Utah.
Jeffrey came home Saturday night to find Marie unconscious on the kitchen floor from taking too many sleeping pills. She did not want to die; she just wanted to sleep away the pain. Now some people may say, "what was she thinking." May I correct you, she wasn't thinking. If I have learned one thing about this disease, it keeps the mind captive from thinking. Consequences of your actions is not part of their thought process. The pain she was talking about was not physical it is mental and when your meds are not working you cannot see a light at the end of the tunnel.
Jeffrey called 911 and Marie was taken to the hospital. This was my first encounter with doctors because Marie wasn't conscious to sign a form allowing information to be released to me. They did finally listen to my information even though they couldn't give me info. Naturally it helped them. I had to deal with flights, Red Cross, getting info to her husband in Iraq, etc.
Marie is fine and stable and is being treated in a psychiatric ward. This is a good thing. I put Mike through hospitalization once and it was very helpful. I did a 24 hour flight there and home. I got to see her and she will pull though this. She feels ashamed and stupid, but like I said she was not thinking. I brought Ethan back with me so he can be taken care of. I have ALWAYS had a major problem with child protective services (what a joke) so I told Jeffrey that until I got there if anyone showed up they needed a search warrant to step in my house! So Ethan is with me and having fun. He loves it here with the big yard and dog. He gets to talk to his mommy by phone daily. When Marie is released, she will be living under my care. We will have a controlled environment for her. Part of that will be designed to teach her to take better care of herself and Ethan.
What I have learned from the last few years is that I have an amazing network of friends. I am thankful for all your prayers and love. I am thankful for those who thought for me when I was foggy. Thanks for the rides, packing, talking, food, prayers, and for being a part of my life.

Weeks of Joy and Pain (literally!)

2009-10-27T12:22:00.000-07:00

Life has been a lot of fun lately but there is always something that tries to pull you down.

On the good side of life, our foreign exchange student that came from France last February for three weeks is here to visit again! It is her school break and she wanted to come see us so her parents bought her plane ticket as a birthday gift! We are so excited to have Alice here again. We love her as if she was part of the family. She was suffering from jet-luge on Saturday but went to our school homecoming dance anyway. Some of the teachers didn't know who she was and they thought she was drunk because she fell asleep on a chair!!!!!!!! It was pretty funny. Rachel looked amazing for Homecoming. Someone said she looked like Rita Hayworth, I had to show her who that was! Jeremie and Rachel had a wonderful time at the dance and looked great together. I am so glad Rachel has and keeps such high standards for herself.

I strongly believe in teaching them correct principles and then letting them govern themselves whenever possible. With Rachel she makes good choices and never pushes the limits. Actually I can say that about all my kids, for the most part. ;-)
I think Heavenly Father knew I would be a single parent someday and blessed me with children that would be a joy to raise. When you consider I have been a parent for 25 years, it is amazing the few problems we have run into. I truly love, trust and adore my kids and make sure I am involved in their lives without being over bearing. They have been taught to wear modest clothing, with the exception of uniforms for sports, dancing, etc. With those they wear them when required then change when they are done.

I see all the different types of lifestyles that are out there in the schools and it is amazing our kids can even survive sometimes. I often work with students that are in "in-school suspension" and whenever possible I talk to them about what they want in life and where they are heading. It is amazing how many do not realize that what they do today will play a big part on what their tomorrow will look like. It is appalling how many kids do not get direction or support from their home and families.

Do to my situation in life, it has made it easy to open my home for parties and movie nights. We keep them clean, fun, alcoholic and drug free. We are even being more careful on the movies we show. Kids need more of that environment. They know even at school not to swear around me. I try to give them high expectations and they do, for the most part, rise to them. These troubled kids are not even embarrassed to say hi to me around town. There are always some kids who don't care and will blow off any adult that tries to work with them, but I hope if anything, I can show them how to be happy, without added substances, and embrace life while helping others.

Sometimes Rachel gets upset that I am letting kids walk over me. She thinks they take advantage of our food and home. I try to explain that I am giving it freely, they aren't walking over us. None of this "stuff" is truly mine anyway. I can't take it with me. I believe I have been given stewardship over it and giving to others without putting my family in jeopardy is what Christ would do. I do try to be careful so that the kids don't get the idea that it is funner here then at home! So with all the parties, working and friends around life has been a joy.

Now for the pain part... they think I have bursitis in my hip. they have done x-rays and the bones are fine. The doctor ordered an MRI and that was the most painful thing I have done in a long time! I am in the most pain when I lay down at night and when I walk too much. So laying still for 45 minutes and not moving was excruciatingly painful!!! I literally thought I was going to break the metal handle off the bed I was laying on. Put it this way, they put me on Vicodin and it isn't killing the pain. On really painful days I walk around the house with a crutch! I hope they come up with a way to get rid of this so I can go back to exercising. Even the Flexor pain patches don't work anymore. Why is it that when we finally get grounded and have some intelligence our bodies start to fall apart? Why can't I have the body of years ago and the wisdom of now!!! It will all be fine, I just have to figure out what lesson I am supposed to be learning from this experience. Maybe compassion? or patience? or maybe that I am just getting old and can't expect to hang with teenagers forever!!!!

Don't Give Up

2009-10-14T10:55:00.000-07:00

One thing I hate the most about depression is how it not only mess up the person with it, but it can and usually does mess up the entire family. Due to my situation, I have had a lot of people talk to me about depression. I have had people suffering from depression as well as family members of those suffering talk to me. I am not an expert or a doctor but I know what I see and what I lived with.
I think that it should be mandatory for a patient suffering with depression to have a healthy person close to the patient designated to attend appointments with them. Patients don't seem to always give the doctor all the information, or they see the doctor on a day they are feeling a bit better. I think I could have given Mike's doctors better information on what was happening and how he sometimes acted. Mike didn't even realize some of the things he was doing, how on earth would he be able to tell a doctor what was going on?
Depression can get so bad for a person they truly don't think straight. All they see surrounds themselves. How the world would be better off without them, how no one really cares about them, or how their friends and family could get along much better without them. In all cases these are incorrect assumptions.
My husband truly felt we would be happier and survive just fine without him. The pain he was suffering was way more then what we would ever suffer with him gone. Some people might even see how well my family is doing and think that this might be true. But it is not. I have a 16 year old that cries when she thinks about the fact that her dad won't be here for her first date let alone her wedding. She has separation anxiety from me because she is afraid I will die and she will be left without a parent. Mike wasn't here to teach her to drive, help her with her math and won't be here to see his grandchildren. There is the pain that it causes my older daughter who suffers from the awful disease of depression. She has seen what it does and doesn't want that to happen to her. There is the scare for my two younger children wonder if they will ever have symptoms of it someday. So I have to be strong, I have to be stable and I have to be a constant study person in their lives.
I have always been a strong independent woman. So I do cope better then most. Mike also made sure that we wouldn't have to struggle too much financially. Most families who lose a loved one from death due to depression aren't as fortunate as I was financially. But who really cares about the money? I would rather have Mike alive then all the money in the world, but even he couldn't see that.
Our marriage wasn't perfect and some times there was a lot of distance between us, but at least we were there for each other most of the time. Now I am alone and I have never felt so lonely in my life. When a marriage is ended like this there is a void that we try to fill with our children, friends or work. I have done that well. My children mean the world to me and I would do anything for them, but there is still void. There is something about a partner that you can't replace with those things.
So no matter how much pain the sufferer of depression is in, it is a false assumption to think the lives of those around you will be better with you gone. A patient diagnosed with cancer will usually fight a hard battle, but for some reason a patient with depression will want to give up. Don't give up. Fight hard and keep looking until you find what will work for you. Don't wait until you are so down you can't hardly get up again. And most of all pray we find a cure. I know I am.

Don't Tell Me I Don't Understand . . .

2009-10-04T16:55:00.000-07:00

You know what I don't like? When someone tells you that you don't understand. Understand what? Pain? Frustration? Anger? Loneliness? Do people think they have a corner on the market because they have a symptom to more of a degree then others? Those of us that are old get told by the younger generation, "you don't understand, you're too old, things were different for you." Or we are told by someone who is chronically sick, "you don't know what it is like to suffer on a daily basis." Maybe not from their same aliment, but I think we have all suffered pain, sickness, disappointment, loneliness, heartache, etc.
I know what it is like to try and be strong for everyone else around you. Because I have the ability to see beyond a challenge or trying moment doesn't mean I don't have them. It doesn't mean I don't get down and lose a little faith every now and then.
Pain, well I feel that emotionally everyday when people talk about their husband's and father's and I don't have that anymore. Pain, to move and walk some days because of an aging body and the aliments of an awful car accident. Frustration that I don't know how to take care of this house and yard. Frustration that I don't have all the answers for my kids. Angry that I am in a situation I didn't choose to be in. Angry at myself for not doing the things I know I should be. Angry for 27 years of a marriage with very few, "I love yous" and now none. Lonely when I am home by myself knowing that someday it could be like this every night.
I may not have been in the same exact situation as someone else, but don't tell me I don't understand emotions. Most all of us do. They can teach us love and compassion for others. They can help us become stronger and more helpful to others. Some days can be really hard and the thought crosses our mind, "why me?" At the end of the day I try to smile and think to myself, "I guess I would rather it be me going through this then someone I love." Even with all the stuff I have to deal with, I would gladly take on the burdens of someone I love if it would easy their pain. So don't tell people they don't understand. Express your feelings and let others help you. They may have more wisdom to give you to help you get through then you could ever imagine. And when talking doesn't help, hugs usually do.

"Never let a problem to be solved become more important then a person to be loved." Henry B. Erying

Life Is Tough, But Also Wonderful

2009-10-03T08:59:00.000-07:00

So it appears readership is slowing down, I guess my life is getting more normal and boring! Actually when I have something to write, it is often too difficult to deal with so I wait and then I forget about it. That is a sign of old age I guess!
It was really nice to have yet another stranger compliment me on my smile the other day, but even better was what took place last night. I was at the away football game for our high school and busy taking pictures on our OLD 35mm camera. One of the young men I know from school came over to talk to me. I seem to run into a lot of school kids around town so it is fun when they aren't embarrassed to come talk to me in public. This young man who really doesn't know our family well, came over to tell me how beautiful Rachel's smile was! I was so happy to hear that because she has a beautiful smile and it always shows when she is "on stage." She is having a great time as a cheerleader and she is still keeping her grades and standards high.
I am so glad for my relationship with my children. We have a lot of love and respect for each other. Of course I think they are wonderful and the best kids ever, but they really have been a blessing in my life. They each have their strengths and their weaknesses. Although dealing with their weaknesses often seems overwhelming, I think recognizing their strengths can be equally as difficult. We try to teach our children to be humble and not boastful so recognizing a talent often seems difficult to them. To recognize a talent may seem boastful or vain, but we have all been blessed with talents and if we don't recognize what the Lord has blessed us with it seems disrespectful to Him. I guess the difficulty is to recognize our talents as a blessing and not as "look at me, I am great." Sometimes it is hard to receive a complement because of this. Sometimes we don't recognize a talent because it is not "perfect" yet. Talents need to be continually strengthened and developed so I believe we should not expect perfection and accept complements gracefully. As far as the weaknesses we all have, well I guess we have to "bear our burdens well for however long they last" (L. Whitney Clayton) Some weaknesses or burdens don't seem fair or we allow them to make us feel worthless. These things do give us experience and will help us learn empathy for others. Who knows why we have to suffer certain things, but we do, so we might as well learn from them and help make the world a better place. Easier said then done? Yes it is but hopefully we have lots of future time to work on things. It is all in how we look at things. Is your cup half empty or half full?

Just Rambling Thoughts

2009-09-23T23:24:00.000-07:00

I was going through some pictures and found this cute one of Ethan "driving" Mike's old pick-up! He sat there turning the wheel and not wanting to get out. We had a lot of fun paling around and I miss that.

I finally bought the last thing that was on Mike's list for the house. He wanted a coffee table set, bar stools and a porch swing. Early this year I picked up the coffee table set he had picked out and after it arrived I wasn't sure I even liked it, but it grew on me. I picked up the bar stools early this month and we love eating at the bar and looking at the mountains far off and the cows right across the street. Now I needed the porch swing. So the other day I finally broke down and bought one. After building it, I sat there on the porch for awhile just looking off into the yard. That is when it kind of hit me. There should be a garage built over there and Mike should be working in it. It made me shed a few tears over the fact that what we had planned will never be. I wasn't sure if this made me mad, sad or just disappointed in him. I do know what he chose to do was not fair to the rest of the family, but then again when is life fair?

2009-09-21T13:21:00.000-07:00

Well it has been awhile since I was on here. I guess that means I have been keeping busy and doing good. Actually I was spending a lot of time with my grandson before he left for home. So the house is now quiet and clean. I think I would rather have it full of toys and squeals! Ethan loved hanging around outside with me. We would walk to the mailbox, play with the dog, watch the cows, he would do anything to stay outside. He even spent an afternoon helping a young man I hired do yard work. Ethan thought he was pushing the wheel barrel but Hunter was pulling it from the front! I really enjoyed it when he would babble on endlessly to me about what he was doing. I took him to two of the high school football games and he would look around until he spotted Rachel cheer leading. At first he would bury his face in my shoulder if I started screaming for our team but he got used to it. He loves to watch the video I took of the game. We spent our last day together at the Seattle Aquarium.
So now it is back to normal life if you can call it that. I will be working 3 1/2 days this week at the high school. I am substituting in biology tomorrow, how fun is that! Jeffrey better have his cell phone on in case I need help!!! Speaking of Jeffrey he is doing great in school. He is trying to decide where to do his PhD. He has another year to think about it. Rachel is doing great in school and is very involved. She has a good schedule and is handling things very well.
As for me, I am doing good. I hang out with a bunch of teenagers. It would be nice to have some adult companionship (especially guys) but that isn't likely to happen around here. So for now it is late start Monday breakfast for about 20 high school students, weekend movie nights and football games. On Mondays I actually have about 20 kids show up at the house and we cook breakfast before school starts! It is a lot of fun. Even with the kids always around, it does get lonely for adult companionship sometimes.

Reminiscing and Looking Forward To the Future

2009-09-01T12:59:00.000-07:00

I recently had some time to do some reminiscing. Like always there is good and bad that comes with that. The online memorial that was kept up for a year on the internet obituary page was bound and printed out before going off line. After it arrived, I sat and read all the wonderful comments people had written about Mike. The good memories, the prayers for our family and the caring concern for our future. It was all very touching.
I also received the hard bound book I had printed from my blog and I was very impressed at how nice it is. (The same company did both books.) For the first time in a long time I have a journal. I love reading my ancestors journals but I am really bad at keeping one. This online journal has worked well for me. What I often forget is that people are actually reading my online journal!

It is interesting that people find it odd that I am doing so well. I get calls from loving family and friends who want to make sure we are fine. I think we are doing pretty good. It is almost like some of them are trying to get me to tell them some suppressed thoughts or feelings that don't exist! I am looking forward to the future and what it holds. Who knows what direction things will go in. That is actually kind of fun to think about.
I am also glad I don't have any weird quirks . . . all my friends are laughing now. I mean I don't have any skeletons in the closet to come back and haunt me and I am not weird in the strange kind of sense! I don't have bazaar habits and idiosyncrasies. Unless you think carrying a toothbrush in the car and wearing socks to bed is strange . . .but that is not bad if that is all that is weird about me!
So I am looking forward to a relationship with a nice normal man that only has two weird quarks like me. I am sure there must be someone out there that fits the bill! In the meantime, I will focus on my family and myself. When I try to figure out what I want to accomplish from here on out, I am really blank. About all I can come up with is:

become physical fit and darn good looking!!! (lots of hard work on that one!)
travel to France, Denmark and go on a Caribbean Cruise
Write a book
spend lots of time with someone I love

Life has been good and the road has been an adventure. I would not trade it and would not repeat it, but I will continue to enjoy it.

Summer Coming to An End and Miracles still Happening in America

2009-08-27T14:49:00.000-07:00

We continue to have a revolving front door. My son-in-law had a four day leave and flew up here to see Marie & Ethan. It was fun to have their little family here. They stayed in a bed and breakfast close by while I entertained Ethan. It was nice because they could come and go. They received a wonderful surprise when one of the other couples they met at the bed and breakfast left a check with the owner paying for Marie and Chris' entire four day stay. The world still has good people with big hearts and miracles still happen. The cool thing is that they were a couple from Redmond and lived less then 5 minutes from our old house. It was a wonderful gift for Maire's little family. It is also nice to see people respect the military and what they are doing for our country. During their breakfast meals they chatted with the other couples so everyone knew Chris was heading to Iraq and had a short leave. It is one thing to spend 10 or 20 bucks on someones meal, but this was close to $800 for four days of lodging and food. It would be wonderful to do things like that for others without expecting anything in return. What a wonderful couple.
Now we are entertaining mom and Phil. They came up for moms 84th birthday on Friday. We are going to have a small surprise party for her. I have been getting cards from relatives that live in other states. So she will at least have some cards to open. Getting old has got to be tough. After they leave then school will be starting. Marie will fly to Texas for one more visit with Chris before he is overseas and I will have Ethan for a few days! Ya for grandma time. He LOVES being outside here and free to run all over. Ethan is a really good little guy. I sure enjoy having him around. We spend lots of time outside together. He even helped me power wash the driveway!

So as you see, not much slowing down has taken place yet. I did take some time to finish some yard work. I had a few good workers (Hunter and my son-in-law) do lots of weed whacking. I totally replanted one of the flowerbeds that was a mess of overgrown plants. It looks so much better and now has wonderful smelling lavender in it. So even though I really don't like yard work, it is getting done and looking better.

On another note, it is a new but fun thing to be flirted with! I am not used to that. So when someone does flirt with me, I feel like a million dollars!!! It almost makes me feel like I am back in high school again. Speaking of feeling young, I had someone at the store guess my age at 40. Oh how that feels good and makes all the $$ spent on expensive skin care products worth it! Thanks NuSkin for helping me stay young looking!!!

Slowing Down The Pace - Book 2

2009-08-19T11:19:00.000-07:00

Book 2 is added to the title because I just had my blog bound in book form so I can keep it as a journal. This will be the start of the next book. As I was doing this task on line, I decided to add more pictures of this last year. Looking at these pictures I realized in the worst of times I had some of the best times ever. Not many people get to set $$$ aside to use as a release from life. Knowing how difficult this past year would be I sold one of Mike's stocks and used it just for get away fun. Perfect timing to if you know what I mean. With that money and the kindness of others donating timeshares and homes we were able to go to Victoria for Thanksgiving, Hawaii for Christmas, Disneyland, two trips to Utah and a trip to California to help out my lifelong friend in her move. Rachel said we have flown around way to much! So this past year has been full of family, friends and good times. It does seem to soften the reality of life.
Now it is time to slow down and start getting back into a routine. It is time to make a new budget, work a little and start saving.
Rachel has been doing very well. No major anxiety attacks since last March. She is so involved with school this year that I hope she can maintain her grades. Not that I have strict expectations on her grades, but she does!!! Rachel had the opportunity to go to a recording studio and record some songs. it was a lot of fun. She record a song called "Virtue" for a competition and it is amazing. I am sure the other 99 contests were good too, but Rachel was amazing!!! (Okay, I am her mom.)
Jeffrey has done well in school. He had a 4.0 winter and summer semesters. It seems that when he is at his busiest he is dating the most! He loves working in the lab at U of U. Like his dad, he is way to hard on himself sometimes. I keep telling him we are not perfect in this life, just doing our best to become that way. It is really hard to teach someone to not get down in the process since we all have our ups and downs in life.
Marie and Ethan are here visiting us and it is so fun. Ethan is such a treasure. Chris' unit hasn't let for Iraq yet but they are down in Texas. So he gets a 4 day leave and he is flying up here to see them tomorrow. That will be nice for them and I get to babysit! Ethan loves his daddy.
Now it is time to slow down and get back into a school schedule. That means getting up at 6:30 every morning, getting back to the gym (I am about to hit a weight that I haven't been at in over 10 years!), and having a schedule to life not just waking up each day to see what needs done. When I think about what I want to do with the next few years I am often blank. I want to get Rachel through school, but what do I want? It seems we are taught to do for others first that when we get to a place in life were we could actually do something for ourselves, we are blank. We really don't know how to care for our own needs as well as we do for others. I think I may want to write a book, do some family history, and travel to Europe. Big goals but it is fun to dream...

Traveling and Seeing Family

2009-08-07T10:32:00.000-07:00

As summer winds down we are almost done with the last of our summer trips. It has been fun to see all the kids together. Ethan is so adorable. He learned that if he puts something on his Jack-in-the-Box that it flies across the room when it pops! He is such a good little guy most of the time. He is ALWAYS saying, "thank-you!" I love getting up with him in the morning and just snuggling. He loves to sit and snuggle in the mornings. He is missing daddy now that Chris is off serving our country for the next year. But they get phone time in. Ethan loves to use mommy's phone and often calls me without her knowing! I just hear all this gibberish stuff on the other end and know it is my grandson wanting to talk.
Marie and Ethan will be staying with us for a few weeks in Washington and that will be fun.
While in Utah visiting I was able to see a lot of friends and family. We are having a Sunday dinner with two of my cousins and their families I haven't seen in years plus my uncle Jack. Jack is so much like my dad; I just love when I get to see him.
We are doing the zoo and Lagoon with friends and I am going to lunch with a group of old friends from Kirkland that have all moved down here. So we have been busy. Lots of back to school shopping too. That is something we never really did in the past.
I also had a great time chatting with a good friend about life and "the law of attraction." Attracting good or bad things to our lives not necessarily an attraction of a person. Something that has caused me to do a lot of thinking. He is at a place in his life where he gets to redefine who he is and what he wants to do in life. Amazingly, I really relate to that. It has caused me to really think about what I want in my future and what I still want to do with my life. Lots to ponder about. What do I want? Lots to think about.

Festivals, Photos, Friends and Challenges

2009-07-25T15:35:00.000-07:00

It has been a busy week, but what else is new in our fast paced American lives? Last weekend was the Lavender Festival in Sequim and I had 4 UW college students come for the festivities. We had a lot of fun. We also went to the game farm to see the animals. I let Suzanne drive my car with Susan and Catherine up front so they could see the animals up close and personal! It was very funny to see Catherine leap away from the window when a yak decide to stick his head in!!! Fun times.
Rachel also had some portraits taken. She has wanted to take them with the pickup for a long time so we took dad's old 66 Chevy and grandpa Chumley's old cowboy hat and had some fun. She has done some great editing to the photos for color emphasis but I don't have those on my computer. She is very good at photo editing. So it has been a fun busy summer so far.
She is sure growing up fast!

This past week Rachel was off to cheer camp
so I did a little traveling. I saw my mom and Phil. Then I went to lunch and dinner with a lot of different dear friends and spent some time with the Munks. So it was a fun trip for me. By the time I picked up the girls from cheer camp, we were all ready to go home.
Now that we are home, well it is boring and I am back to the same old stuff. Mow the lawn, file papers, go through boxes of stuff. . . it can really get old. That will keep me busy for awhile until I get restless and want to go again!
On another note, I find it interesting that even when we are happy and enjoying life, we really never seem to be completely happy with ourselves. We are very critical of ourselves. For example, instead of focusing on my smile, every now and then I find myself focusing on my weight. I guess it doesn't help when I come back from my mom's place. I told her I was going to go in her bathroom to take a shower and she asked me if I would fit in her shower because it is small. Excuse me? Just because she weighs 100 pounds doesn't mean I am that huge! I have dealt with that all my life with her. I guess I didn't get her metabolism. It makes me feel like I will never be good enough for any one unless I get thin. What is with that and why do we do that to ourselves? True confessions from my marriage? I never did feel good enough for Mike. There was always something wrong with me. I don't ever want to feel like that again!!! We always said he was honest to a fault, (if that is even possible.) If I walked downstairs ready to go somewhere, instead of complimenting me he would point out what was wrong. One time he told me the color of my dress wasn't appropriate for church...WHAT? We have church colors??? Anyway living with that and my mother, I guess sometimes I let it get to me and I go off track. I love who I am. I can always get better. I don't need the world to tell me what I should or shouldn't look like. Now if I can just believe that 100% of the time and not let the world's standards get to me...

Made My Day!

2009-07-14T17:52:00.000-07:00

If there is one thing that can make my day, it is when my smile and happiness can change someone else's day! I walked out of a store today, the sun was shinning, I was smiling and my hair looked great! As I was walking to my car a lady and her friend were walking by and she said, "wow, you look really happy!" I told her thanks, we all smiled and she stated as she walked away that more people needed to be that happy! It felt wonderful and we all went off happy and with smiles. What a great thing a smile is.

Miscellaneous Wandering of the Mind

2009-07-10T23:37:00.000-07:00

What a week. I had one really bad day when everything went wrong. I just about broke into tears several times in public. Not sure what was going on other then I was trying to tackle stupid little things I never used to have to deal with. I went to Sears 4 times that day! Lots of parts and $50 later, the lawnmower grass catcher still doesn't work! But I got a new weed wacker and I like it.
I got my third notice from Consumer Reports that they automatically extended Mike's subscription and want to be paid. No where on the invoice is there a phone number to call so I then checked the web site. No number. For the third time (but this time with a little more passion) I scribbled in black marker, "HE IS DECEASED! If you would put a phone number on here I would call you to cancel this. DON'T SEND ME ANY MORE BILLS or Magazines!" I was so frustrated with these guys. They make it so hard to stop the subscription. Just a lot of little things that day.
But life always gets better. I have been doing a lot of cleaning and throwing away stuff. That is enjoyable to do. I just have to tackle my office and bedroom! After I had cleaned all day, Rachel and her friend Laura got in the hot tub. I planned to join them but got busy on the phone instead. About 11 Rachel heard a knock on the kitchen window that sent her to the floor screaming! There were definitely people outside, but who? All the boys were on a 50 mile bike trip in the San Juan Islands. I had the girls turn out all the lights so we could see out and sure enough two things dressed in black were running around. I knew they were friends, so I eventually scared them and the girls came in the house to join us. We started another movie and then talked until 4am. As I was crawling into bed I noticed a light coming in from outside and thought I left the back porch light on. Upon further examination I realized the light was coming from the horizon! I managed to fall asleep but at 6am I woke up to a start. I could hear water running and the cat running up and down the hall in a panic. I jumped up to find the water in my bathroom tub was running! When I found the cat he was all wet. I can only guess that he was in the big tub and went to jump out and pulled on the handle falling back in and getting wet!!! Crazy cat. Needless to say as always, a bad day at the beginning of the week didn't keep me from having a good time the rest of the week.
Today I even enjoyed mowing the lawn with my new safety headphones with an I-Pod attachment. Nothing like sun, music and dancing to the tunes while sitting on my lawnmower.... okay so I did look a bit odd. I think my neighbors thought I was nuts because when I finished I was hot and gross so I ran through the sprinklers in my clothes......

July 5th Not the Best Day of the Year...

2009-07-05T12:40:00.000-07:00

July 5th 2002 around 1:00 we were driving toward Salmon, Idaho after dropping Marie off at college. Mike fell asleep at the wheel and we rolled at least three times. I still have vivid memories of being trapped in the car wondering where and how my children were, the jaws of life cutting me out, the ambulance ride, and the months of rehab. My body will be recovering from that for the rest of my life. I am sure my family and friends have noticed I usually do all the driving. I still can have flashbacks of rolling and I just feel safer behind the wheel. It still amazes me that Mike and the kids walked away from this.

July 5th 2008 was the day of Mike's funeral. It was a very beautiful service. I will never forget my friend staying close by just to hand me Kleenex. That was touching to me. She wasn't sure how else to help and yet that was one of the best things she could have done. The worst memory of that day was after they put the cassette in the car, the funeral director asked me if I wanted to say goodbye before they closed the door. I thought to myself, what kind of a question is that. Of course I didn't want to say good-bye, I never wanted to say good-bye. This wasn't even supposed to be happening. I was too young to be a widow.

So you can see, July 5th isn't exactly my favorite day of the year.

One More Hard Day Coming Up

2009-07-02T17:15:00.001-07:00

I was right. My mind played last year over twice. First on Monday and Tuesday because those were the days of the week last year. I kept thinking about what was happening and when and how we were discovering Mike's death. It was almost surreal. Then again on Tuesday and Wednesday it played out because it was the actually dates of things. Sounds weird but Jeffrey said he kind of did the same thing. The first time it was more methodical. The second time it was more sad and there were more tears.
Rachel was off at a summer camp and spent an hour Tuesday night crying in her room with her roommate. I am thankful she had a friend with her. Marie decided to make it her own personal "Depression Awareness Day." Jeffrey and I talked and just had everything run through our heads over and over again. I think I shed more tears hearing about how hard it was for them then I did for myself. Let's hope the 5th isn't a replay of the funeral day.
I actually spent a lot of the day doing yard work, which I hate and Mike loved. So I guess I was still trying to please him and make the yard look good. Strange. I still think about him, us, our family a lot. I suppose I always will, but I am so ready to move on. I would love to find someone who has all Mike's good qualities like patience, kindness, integrity, honesty, and a good work ethic. I would also like to add the qualities I always felt were missing. I would love to have someone who would dote over me, hold me, and love me for who I was no matter what. Someone who isn't afraid to say, "I love you," instead of assuming I could tell by the things he did. Maybe I am unrealistic and asking for the moon, but I want to feel passionately loved next time around. What they heck, don't we all deserve the best for a little while in this life?

One Year and 5,500 Hits Later...

2009-06-29T23:34:00.000-07:00

The house in Redmond sold and that is good.It is out of my hair forever. I now have no debt, but it is heartbreaking to walk away from that house only getting a $460,000 mortgage paid off and $19,500 in cash. The Realtors and others get the rest. Since $90,0000 went into that house in the last year it is very heartbreaking. That is life and at least it is now over. I drove by the house twice this weekend while I was over there. I don't know what I expected to find. It is just an empty shell, a house; it hasn't been a home for awhile.
My mind has been a bit confused today. Although Mike died on the 30th, last year it was on a Monday. So today everything kept playing out in my mind over and over. I feel like I will have to live it all over again tomorrow when it is actually the 30th. My mind just thinks about the fact that I called Reed on Monday night. In fact it was about this time at night that I was talking Reed into going over to the house to check on Mike. Although the death certificate says he died around 0100 which would be 1am, I know that it was later because he posted an e-mail to me at 4am. When Reed found him it was around 11:30pm.
I spent the day in Redmond with friends. I was hoping to keep my mind busy. As I chatted with them my mind would wander. I am very good at looking held together on the outside when inside I am a total mess. I finally felt like I just wanted to be alone so I drove back home to Sequim. So I guess I will be spending the 30th home alone. I don’t know if that is good or bad yet, but I just feel like being alone. Last night I had to take a sleeping pill to fall asleep. It will most likely be like that all week. I just can’t shut my mind off.
One year later and 5,500 hits to this blog, someone out there must be following all this. The big question I get is, “how are you really doing?” The answer is, “I don’t know.” Some days are good and some are bad. One year is up so most of the “firsts” are over. I don’t think it gets easier, I just think distance makes the pain softer until someone else can come along and fill in the void. I hope the kids are all okay. Rachel is off at a summer camp (EFY) with friends around her. Marie and Jeffrey are together hopefully giving each other support. For me, I just felt like being alone.

Made it Through Friday and Saturday

2009-06-28T01:13:00.000-07:00

Friday - After a LONG annoying time, the house in Redmond closed Friday. I sold it for $100,000 less then it was worth, but it is no longer a thorn in my side anymore. The closing date changed 3 times this week. The buyers almost backed out over a $300 credit they wanted to fix something their inspector said was fine. Oh well, it is over. Rachel and I went camping with some other girls and had a good time. I actually got up early (I didn't sleep so might as well) and walked to the overlook of the beach. It was cool to see a bald eagle soaring above the beach, but below me. Good luck I hope!
Saturday - After coming home from camping we drove to the closest mall (one hour away) and did some retail therapy! We rushed home at 6 and then had 12 kids show up to watch a movie on the big screen. Keeps my mind busy and off of things I don't want to think about.

Sleep? I Hear It's Over Rated

2009-06-25T04:02:00.000-07:00

It is 4am and I have been lying in bed for over 4 hours trying to fall asleep. To late to take anything but I think I need to find those sleeping pills the doctor prescribed last summer. The cats been in my face all night so I finally got up to find out that he was out of dry cat food. That explains his behavior. As for me, I just can't seem to shut off my mind.....

Count Down to the One Year Mark

2009-06-23T11:12:00.000-07:00

So like always I have been keeping myself busy, but then I have to deal with reality. I had a wonderful weekend in Redmond with all my kids. Jeffrey, Marie and baby Ethan flew in for my girlfriend's daughter's wedding. The bride also happens to be one of Jeffery's best buddies from high school. Rachel was a junior bridesmaid in the wedding at Mary Queen of Peace and it was beautiful. Rachel was beautiful too! I was able to see a lot of co-workers and friends.
Like always, spending time with my kids was a blast but ended too soon. After taking them to the airport Sunday, I had to go over to our old house to make sure things were ready for the sale and closing on Thursday. Rachel didn't want to go so I dropped her off at a friends. Somewhat of a bad move because I now had to go over there alone, again and for the last time.
As I finished up the things I had to do at the house, I finally sat on the steps and cried. Cried over all the wonderful memories of raising my kids in that house, cried that I had to let it go, and cried over how it all ended there. As I had walked through each room, a memory came to me. . . some good, some bad. The laughter of Rachel (4) and Jeffrey (10) racing to the bathroom and Rachel winning because she bit Jeffrey on the butt. The joy and excitement when we told Marie & Jeffrey we were having another baby. The fun times of teenagers sitting on the leather couch taking and laughing (the kids won't let me sell that couch!) The images of the kids waiting at the top of the stairs every Christmas until we said they could come down. The exciting themed birthday parties we use to have. How we could always find Mike asleep on a heater vent and even once in the garage under a car! So many memories after 18 years there. When Rachel's first hamster died Mike, Rachel and I all climb into our big king size bed and just held each other and cried. Mike always took it hard when an animal died. He was there alone when he had to deal with putting Marie's cat of 15 years down. He called Marie from the vet and let her talk to Katy and then stayed in the room while they put her to sleep. He was always tender with the animals even though he would complain about their hair and messes.
We have a fun series of pictures on the leather couch as the kids were growing up. In fact I have
lots of pictures. Almost 15 albums worth of pictures! It is still a little hard for me to look at the old family pictures but time will change that. I am trying not to count down to the one year mark, but it is hard. I would be lying if I said I was not looking back and reflecting on things and wondering a bit. I try not to stay there too long. I think what is hardest right now, is that I keep trying to imagine what was going through his head that last week a year ago. It is strange though, how I have never felt Mike's presence around, not even there at the old house.

I Love My Kids!

2009-06-17T08:44:00.000-07:00

Have I ever mentioned how wonderful my kids are? They are a great support to me and I probably don't tell them enough how much they mean to me.
Marie is an amazing mother! She is a joy to watch taking care of her son Ethan. Chris and her have an amazing relationship. I have loved watching her grow into the women she is. She has her struggles but deep down she is a very strong women. I love to listen to her play the piano. She was blessed with a great talent for that.
Jeffrey, well I have always wondered why I was so lucky to raise such an outstanding young man. He is so centered and very strong in his convictions and faith. He has an amazing understanding of the purpose of life. He is a great example to our family and the center of our family strength. His example of hard work and endurance is a blessing and example to all of us.
Rachel is unbelievable! The death of her father has been very hard on her, yet she has made a choice to rise above it and try to understand the purpose of God's plan for us. She works so hard at school and tries to follow her brothers example of hard work. Most kids in her shoes would have chose to retreat and crawl in a hole. She chose to get involved in school and surround herself with good people.
We all have are faults. That is one reason we are on earth, to overcome our faults and become better people. As a mom, I couldn't have hand picked better children. They are a large part of the reason I have been able to go on and get through this year as well as I have.
Kids, if you read this, I LOVE YOU. You are my diamonds.

This Is Going To Be A Long Month...

2009-06-10T10:48:00.000-07:00

At the end of this month it will be the one year anniversary of Mike's death. So I guess I should just expect that things will be a little crazy. For starters, I am learning that I don't know how to take care of a home! It took a week of trying different things to get the swamp cooler set right. I still can't get the motion light to work correctly and now the motor for the irrigation ditch is cracked because I didn't winterize it last fall. I just figured out the water softener! How do people survive without a handyman for a husband? It costs a small fortune to call someone in to fix things. The drain stop broke in my sink, how do you fix that???
The buyers almost backed out of buying the house in Redmond. That was scary, but I just kept praying. I guess until the 25th they still could back out. It is killing me to pay the mortgage, lawn care, and staging for that house until it sells. Now the kids are telling me the house in Utah has a leek around the toilet (flashback of the hole in my ceiling for 8 years from the last toilet leak) and the rain gutters are missing on part of the house. People actually enjoy owning real estate?
Tuesday was a really bad day, everything seemed off. I can't even remember what happened! The IRS stuff is still hanging over my head. It seems like everything is just nuts right now. I even lost it on the phone with my daughter......again. About 95% of the time I can brush it all off and smile but this week has been a tough one. I can only imagine over the next few weeks it will get harder.
As to not depress anyone, let me end on a happier note. I hit the jackpot at an estate sale!!! The lady was a true shopaholic. Seriously. She bought clothes and never wore them. Some were mail order clothes still in the packages. She even bought the same thing in 4 different sizes. They were all brand new with the tags still on. It was like a small boutique on someones front lawn! They totalled up the lowest price on the tag and then took off 80%! So I bought $415 worth of NEW skirts, dresses and tops for $80. So I just got a new wardrobe for $80!!! The $415 was the lowest price on the tags. Some of the items were originally $40 marked down to $20 that I paid $4 for So I guess her curse was my blessing. If I am not careful I may shop myself through this month!

Life Has Been Busy, But Good

2009-06-04T09:06:00.000-07:00

Maybe I am not getting on here as much because life is moving on and I have less to talk about... I doubt it, but I have been very busy. One thing I did last fall when I finally had access to all our accounts was to take a small stock and sell it. Good timing too! Anyway, I put that aside for fun money. I knew that this first year would be hard on me and my family. I wanted to be able to get away if we needed to especially at the holidays. Hence the Thanksgiving trip to Victoria Canada with all the kids and the Christmas trip to Hawaii with Jeffrey and Rachel. It also allowed me to go to California in March and help out a friend in need. Well the money is almost gone now but we did finish it off with one last trip! Some good friends were going to Disneyland and had a 4 bedroom condo, actually it was the presidential suite, and at the last minute asked us if we want to go. Two seconds later I had airline tickets to Orange County. My friends drove down and didn't tell their daughter we were coming. So when they got to the condo, we were already there. The surprise on their daughters face when she saw Rachel was priceless.

So I guess you could say for my late birthday present to myself, we went to Disneyland. We had a fun time there for 5 days and even went to see the Medieval Times dinner entertainment show complete with jousting. What a fun time. Now I will say that there were some very lonely times too. It isn't always fun to be the third wheel with the two teenagers. Most rides I was by myself and that was hard sometimes. I also know that I need to give the girls space. So I tried really hard to give them time alone. That often meant I was alone too. Those are the hard times. I will really have to think hard about what I want to do when Rachel graduates from high school. I am fine at the house for a day or two alone, but months..... Rachel says I am going to follow her to college. I think she will drag me with her! We are very close and I am thankful for that.

On another topic, my nephew Michael and I went to a single adult conference. I hadn't seen him since he came back from his second tour of duty in Iraq so it was really fun to be with him. As for attending single adult activities, well let's just say, weird. Last time I went to one was last August and I wasn't ready to really mingle. This time there were just not that many people worth mingling with! Those that were are not interested in me. So the dilemma remains, how do you meet good guys. After sitting though 6 songs at the dance, my nephew and I went into another room and played a game. I guess I am not ready to be the lead and go ask a guy to dance. Don't get me wrong, I love to dance. In fact, that is one reason why dances are so hard for me. Mike and I could dance. We could be out of sorts with each other and you get us on the dance floor and we looked and danced as if we were madly in love. It was always something we just clicked at.

One last interesting thing I did that is surprising to some people is I taught a class to adults on how to survive a death. I have learned so much on the paperwork side of things. My sister-in-law gave me a red folder file system the week Mike passed away and I used it to organize myself. It was a real life savor that I still refer to. So I taught about 12 people how to set it up and what is important to do and not to do in the event of a death. It was a very rewarding class to teach.

Bad news: As for the IRS, I am still in a mess with them after their screw up. It will take months to get this figured out.
Good news: after 11 months I have a buyer for my house. If all goes well, it will close on June 25 and I will be done with the Redmond home for good.
Bad news: it is selling for $100,000 less then it would have a 1 1/2 years ago when it should have been put on the market. Oh well.
Good news: It is a beautiful day and I am going to go out and mow the yard and be happy about it...

The Good and the Bad

2009-05-20T00:12:00.001-07:00

It is late at night and I haven't been on here in awhile. We have had a busy month with the school production of Beauty and the Beast. This was my second year as the house manager and pre-ticket sale person. When you have 6 shows and can seat 600 people a show, that is a busy job! We only had two nights that seating was down to the last few seats, so it wasn't as bad as last year.
I have also been working a lot. The past two weeks I haven't worked because I got a bad cough after working in attendance where all the sick kids come use my phone!!! I can't remember if I mentioned that I received my life time substitute teaching certificate. It is good for K-12th grade. So I had the fun opportunity to teach high school history for 3 days in a row. It was fun because Rachel was in one of my classes! The first day the kids got a little crazy (normal for how they act with a sub) so on the second day Rachel was gone for the first part of class. When she walked in they were quiet and respectful. She was shocked so when we got home she asked me what I did to change the kids. Well, I believe in a little bribery, so I told them I would bring them all brownies for my birthday on the third day if they were good. That meant brownies for 150 kids or 5 classes worth! But I made them all and it was fun. The main reason they were good though is because I told them I didn't have to be there. I told them I didn't have to work but I did because I enjoyed the kids. I am a laid back sub and we can have a lot of fun together but they have to be respectful and no swearing. If not, I won't come back. They all said I was the best sub ever and they wanted me back so they would be good. Wow, that was easy!!!
So let me go back to my birthday. Worked all day and ate brownies with the kids. Rachel and I were planning to go to Applebees for dinner, but she wanted to take a friend so it wouldn't be so boring... so I spent my birthday dinner with 5 teenagers at Applebees! It was really fun. One of the kids asked the waitress to cut my food into little pieces because I was OLD now. Fun times. I had a blond moment when she brought me a little red sculptured balloon and I said, "ah, what a cute tomato." Everyone stared at me blankly then in unison said, "It is an Apple...Applebees..." So I felt my old age of 50 and wondered if my mind was going. I did receive flowers from a few people and that was wonderful. I love flowers.
There were also a few tough moments in the last few weeks. I have always said that my marriage contract said I did the inside of the house and Mike did the outside. It was kind of a joke between us. Well now I have to do the outside too. Most weeks from April to October, I have to mow the lawn twice a week. That is two acres of grass to mow with the sit down mower, then weed wack, then mow certain areas with the push mower. As you can imagine it takes me about 3-4 hours each time. Most of the time I don't mind it, but last week was awful. The grass had managed to grow 4-5 inches before I could cut it. It had rained whenever I had time to cut it so it just grew. When I finally had a chance to mow, it was still damp in some areas and very windy. I didn't finish until 8:30pm and the sit down mower kept jamming and sliding all over from damp grass. I was so mad. With the lawn mower being loud and no one living near us, I took this opportunity to scream, cry and complain about how mad I was that Mike would leave this for me to deal with. Sounds weird but I guess I temporarily lost it. It actually felt good to be upset for a brief time. At least there was a release of emotion. Marie called that night to complain about something and I snapped, "it is my turn to have a bad day, I don't want to hear about yours!" I don't normally get that way so I am sure it surprised her.
I also finally talked to someone about getting a headstone for Mike. It has almost taken me a year to do this. Crazy but I haven't wanted to deal with it.

A 28th Wedding Anniversary I Will Never Forget

2009-05-03T16:22:00.000-07:00

I spent May 1st, staying busy. I took some May Day flowers to friends and then went to the theatre to paint & help out. I tried to keep busy and not think about the fact that it would have been my 28th wedding anniversary. I succeeded in keeping busy which isn't hard when you are involved in a theatre production that opens in a week! I was trying to keep busy because today would have been my 28th anniversary if my husband was still alive...
By the time we got home it was a little after 11pm. A few of the boys came to our house with pizza and we chatted a bit. As I walked by my hallway, I noticed that my bedroom door at the end was shut and my light was on. It made me a little nervous since I knew I hadn't been in there. I called out to the kids asking them if anyone had been in my room and there was silence. I thought something was unusual about all this, so I went to check it out. I opened my door to find a bouquet of flowers by my bed and papers on my bed in the shape of a big heart. One was place in the middle and simply said, "read me first." As I opened it I read, "Mommy! You didn't think I'd really forget your 28th anniversary did you?!? I hope today wasn't too hard. Here are 28 letters from 28 people who love you dearly. So many people love and appreciate you. I know daddy loves you still and is watching over you. Our family is forever." Rachel
You can imagine tears flowed as I read the expressions of love and kind words from 28 of the wonderful youth in our area. Some know me from church and some from the high school. There were even a few youth that heard about it later and wanted to add a letter. I can't express how my heart was touched by their words. They turned a day that could have been dificult into one of the most cherished days of my life. I love the youth and the wonderful parents that are raising them. You have touched my life forever.

"Firsts" Are Still Difficult, Even With A Positive Attitude

2009-04-26T07:55:00.000-07:00

"Firsts" definitely are difficult. I love springtime, I was born in the spring, married in the spring and it is just a beautiful time of the year.

As I approach my birthday, I think I will make it through alright. Half the time Mike never did anything for my birthday anyway. Then other times he really went all out. But this is a landmark birthday. I really have no plans to do anything. Rachel has play rehearsal every evening from here until May 8th so I could go out to dinner alone... but that doesn't sound fun. I enjoy life so I really don't mind getting older. I do mind getting older alone. I really do hate not having someone around to share intimate feelings and thoughts with. Someone to be with.

As for the anniversary, I am not sure how to get through that one except to just stay busy. It would be our 28th anniversary. It is weird to think that I have been married more of my life then I was single. Maybe that is why I hate being single so much, just not used to it. Sometimes I see all the single women out there and I think maybe I should be happy for what I had and not worry about dating so they can have a chance at that same kind of happiness. Then I think who would want to marry me anyway! I am happy with who I am and I really don't have weird hangups, but most guys can't see beyond my few extra pounds to figure that out. Wait, there are no guys around here to date so maybe I am wrong about that!!! I guess I shouldn't worry about dating until Rachel is in college anyway, she might rebel on me! I joke with her about double dating all the time and she just rolls her eyes.

As for Mothers Day, I used to say that by the time it came my family was sick of doing things for me! Having a birthday, anniversary and then Mother's Day all spread out in one week is too much to focus on one person! I have fantastic kids so I am sure they will do their best to take care of me during this up coming week of more "firsts."

Truth be told, while Rachel has been off doing her own thing, being by myself these last few weeks have been difficult. I try and keep busy but when I am all alone and it is quiet, my doubts and fears creep in the most. I am a survivor, so it will all be okay.

90/10 Rule

2009-04-21T18:42:00.000-07:00

"10% of life is made up of what happens to you. 90% of life is decided by how you react." Stephen R Covey

I really like this theory. I believe it is pretty accurate too. Trying to teach this principle to others is a bit hard. I wish I could have done better at teaching my kids this concept. My life has been so much more pleasant after I learned to believe this. I don't get angry easily, I can roll with the punches better and I am happier due to it. Doesn't mean I don't have down or bad days.

Yesterday was one of those days I just wanted to cry. Don't really know why. A song would come on, or memories would surface, and I would just feel lonely. It doesn't help that Rachel is gone from 6:45am to 9:30pm almost everyday this week! So I sat home alone all afternoon and evening. Since today would be similar, I did something different and pulled out the genealogy to work on. It is a good distraction and hobby of mine. It was a little tough when I tackled putting in Mike's death info.

It also gets tough trying to deal with all this stuff I have never had to deal with. Health insurance, mortgages, bills, IRS, selling a house. Crazy! I messed up when my COBRA ended and didn't get our new health insurance by the deadline so we are uninsured for April. SCARY. I need lots of prayers for the Redmond house to sell. If I drop the price again, I will get nothing out of it. So, I take all these mind boggling things and I get to decide how I am going to react.
Today, I choose to move forward with a smile but an occasional tear is still alright.

Avoiding my blog....what is with that?

2009-04-14T10:41:00.000-07:00

I have kind of been avoiding my blog and I am not sure why. Maybe I have nothing to say...wow. The rest of our holiday in Utah was a blast. I got to see a lot of wonderful people and think a lot about the 'good old days.' I especially enjoyed reminiscing with Rick; good times. Thanks for being you. I also can't believe how long Connie and I sat and talked! What good memories. I also had fun on what I could say was my first date as a widow. Details? No I'd like to keep that somewhat private for now.

The last of our stay we just visited with family. It was great to see Uncle Jack and Janene. Uncle Jack reminds me so much of my dad. I felt bad because I missed seeing my cousin due to my own stupidity. Just plan forgot to check my e-mail until it was too late. I loved playing with my grandson and I miss him tons and tons.

Anyway, we are back home and lots of fun things going on. Rachel got her braces off, received her license, and had a big late birthday bash with her friends. Now it is time to get back down to work. I spent some time cleaning out the garage, but I can only do so much then I need a break. Going through old stuff is hard. Sometimes I think I throw things away just to get the memories to move on. No news from the IRS. I guess that is good. No news on the sale of the Redmond house. I guess that is bad. If there is one thing anyone reading this could do for our family right now, I would say pray that the house in Redmond sells quickly before I have to drop the price again. If I have to drop the price of the house, I will not get out of it what I have had to put into it for selling. I just need to be free of it. Our family is going to pray and fast on Thursday, anyone is welcome to pray with us. I have had a lot of miracles this last year and I feel bad asking for another, but I need one more.

Taking a Break and Having Some Fun

2009-04-02T17:14:00.001-07:00

Everyone needs to take a break and have some fun. It is spring break so Rachel and I are with the college kids enjoying some time together. Tonight we are going to see one of my high school buddies in a play at the Hale Theatre. Jeffrey is busy in college and really needed the break. Rachel went to his classes and lab yesterday and had a good time with him. She also did a college tour at another university and that was great. She is planning to go to his colleges BIG rival! So we have had a great time as a family.
I have also had the opportunity to see old friends from high school and more recent friends that moved from Washington. Today was lunch with the Baker's, yesterday was dinner with the Sells. We had a blast. At dinner, we stayed at the Olive Garden for 2 1/2 hours laughing and getting caught up. Right before we left, we apologized to our waiter for being there so long and for our loud laughter. He said it was great to see us so happy and that he loved my smile. He said I was smiling all night. Wow! That means so much to me. I really do work hard at smiling and trying to make the world a happier place. I suppose if I was going to be remembered for something, that would be a good thing. So smile everyone and enjoy each moment of life you have. I see every moment as a learning experience. We can make those learning experiences enhance our life or pull us down. Why not choose to enhance our lives and make the world a happier, better place.

Painful Findings

2009-03-26T12:21:00.000-07:00

Some things may never get easier. My accountant needs all I can round up from 2008. Amazingly I am doing a pretty good job at finding things among the 15+ boxes of Mike's business & personal paperwork. It is harder finding the 2008 stuff then it was the 1993 to 2007 stuff the accountant needed! The closer the dates came to the present, the more painful it is for me. Mike had two businesses out of our home. I had to come up with purchases, other expenses and payments for both businesses. After tearing the house apart, I finally found two check registers for the 2008 business account.
I went through and made an excel spreadsheet with auto mechanic credits and debits and accounting credits and debits and then miscellaneous ones that I felt should be considered on the return. It wasn't too bad to do but did take a lot of time.
As I was coming to the end of May in the register, everything got harder. You could see the work slowing down and the deposits fewer. Then I found the check written out for a ticket for not wearing his seat belt! He never told me about that one...maybe that is why he didn't get upset with me when I got my very first speeding ticket last year! The sad entry was for a single ticket to the movie theater. At least he went to the most expensive theater in town. That was not long after my nephew Michael moved out of the house and Mike was over in Redmond during the week alone.
But the hardest entry was one of the last ones. In the register it simply said:
June 27 - for a movie and my last meals
Yes, I cried. He talked to me two more times after that date and never said a word about how he was feeling. The very last transactions were deposits to Rachel and I. He wanted us to have access to money until things could be settled. It was so planned and I didn't see it.

Life Can Truly Be Amazing

2009-03-20T16:32:00.000-07:00

The last two days I had the great opportunity to substitute teach health at our local high school. It just so happened the teacher had a video to show the first day and a guest speaker the second day. The video was powerful. It is call "Surviving High School." It pertained to how we treat each other and the consequences of that treatment. The end of the video dealt with teen suicide.

The second day the guest speaker was sick so I actually had the opportunity to teach!!! So we talked about the video. We discussed eating disorders, depression, hazing people, and suicide. It was a little difficult, but I felt I could really have an impact on these kids if I said the right thing. I am please to say that all 4 classes went well. After getting through all the depressing stuff I talked to them about the difference one person can make. How much a simple smile or "hi" can mean to someone. I felt good about the classes and really hoped that some of kids would get something out of it. As they left the class I challenged them to smile and say hi to someone today that they don't normally talk to. You never know what positive difference you might make in some one's life.

You always wonder if anything you say makes a difference and we seldom find out if it really does. After school a student ran into me and said, "You should be a motivational speaker! You really made some of these kids stop and think." Another one said, "My friends said you are their hero."

Wow, I wasn't expecting that. I would love to be a motivational speaker! How do you get involved with that one? I hope I did make a difference in their lives. Every morning we get up and decide if we are going to have a good day or bad day, if we are going to be happy or sad. Smile and make the world around you a better place. Enjoy what you have and don't fall into the trap of "I will be happy when."

By the way, if anyone has any ideas on how I can become a motivational speaker....let me know.

Life Goes On ....still

2009-03-16T11:47:00.000-07:00

Well, life has been interesting! I am having some issues with the IRS that are just not adding up. It should wind up in my favor and their mess up, but in the mean time they have put me through the wringer. Anyway, I finally got through to the IRS advocate office and after looking over stuff, the lady felt the IRS made an error combining Mike's and my account. Nothing new on their part, just another screw up. Payments were filed under Mike's SSN the returns under my SSN and they didn't put the two together. Enough of that boring stuff. What I am writing about is the affect it all had on me.

This was one of the hardest things to deal with. I think I cried more this weekend then in a long time. Having to explain the circumstances to each person took my call, wore me out. I cried Friday afternoon when all these letters arrived saying I owed tons of money. I held back the tears at the Berry Manilow concert when he sang love songs, but later lost it in the car on the way home listening to the same songs. My health insurance runs out at the end of the month, bills are due, and I am behind on my checkbook balances! Life couldn't be more crazy.

This is when I hit a low and then have to listen to my own counsel. "Come what may and love it." It has been a trying weekend, but life really is good. I have my kids, family, shelter, and a great network of friends. I have been substituting in the schools, throwing away more junk and having fun with Rachel. I guess again, all the good out weighs the pain and frustration. So I am going to go eat lunch...at 3:00....and then pay some more bills. All is good. Life goes on and I am not going to let it go without me. ;-) "I am women hear me roar..."

Service Does Amazing Things

2009-03-04T12:56:00.000-08:00

Life is always easier when you spend time helping others and get away from your own cares. It really does work. Rachel and I flew down to California for 48 hours to help my life long friend pack up her house. I was able to deal with packing things and throwing away things that she was having difficulty with because of memories. I would use phrases with her like, "come what may and love it," "just do it," "life goes on, so live it." It made me realize not only do I say these phrases but I do believe them.

I talked to a friend who is a counselor and he has commented several times to me about how he has seen women in my situation who have not be able to deal with the loss of their spouse for years, especially when suicide was involved. I am really not hard hearted. I just recognize that I have a future and I need to make the best of it. Dwelling on the past will get you no where fast. Believe me, I know a few people who do that and they are stuck there. That doesn't mean I don't think about it. Today while driving I kept having flashbacks to moments and conversations. Sometimes it makes you laugh and sometimes it makes you cry. Learning to cope with my situation doesn't necessarily make it easier. There have been many tough days and I am sure there will be many more, but I do work hard to be positive and more forward. It is work to focus on the good and stay positive. Sometimes I fall short and have to remind myself of what Tom Hanks said in two different movies; it was something about waking up each day and putting one foot in front of the other because you have to. (Watch "Sleepless in Seattle" and "Castaway")

To my young friend who is dealing with the loss of her dad, let me say, it does not get less painful, but it does get easier to deal with loss as time goes by. That doesn't mean you forget your loved one. Celebrate their life every chance you get. Choose to remember all the good they brought into the world. Share their life with others around you. Let their memory live on. Sometimes our Heavenly Father has a plan much bigger then we will ever understand. Trust Him. Take what you learn from your experience and help others who are suffering.

Stupid Idea

2009-02-19T10:24:00.000-08:00

So for some dumb reason I got on Mike's old lap top today. I wanted to make sure he wasn't getting e-mails from tax clients who didn't know about his passing. Of course I have already ready everything in it, but I went to the folder with my name on it anyway and started reading letters that went back and forth between us. I have to say, some where not real good.
Mike took himself off some of his meds in Nov 07. I didn't put it all together until after the fact but I remember at Christmas time he spoke harshly to me in front of our guests. That was not normal. Then as the new year was getting underway, I noticed several times how Mike would make rude comments to me. This was very out of character for him. I can only remember Mike raising his voice in our home once or twice in 27 years of marriage and that was while he was in a depressed state. Anyway, while he was in Redmond, there was an e-mail exchange between us that wasn't so pleasant. I basically let him know something I spent $75 on to updating my teaching certificate and he hit the roof. I was trying to clarify where he was coming from and he thought I was e-mail bashing with him. Anyway, why I went back and read these is beyond me. It was painful. That was about the time I had a one on one conversation with him on why he was so edgy and harsh. That is when I learned he took himself off his meds. It explained so much about his recent actions that I hadn't understood.
Still I ventured back into those e-mails and brought back all those sad memories. I have done a great job of building a wall around my emotions. It is like I have to be strong for everyone else that I don't take a break and let loose. Even now I read those letters painfully but with no outward emotions slipping out. I can't seem to just let it flow.
I can't be mad at Mike, he was suffering. I can't be happy for him, he just up and quit on us. I can't just move on, I don't know what to move on to. I can be sad for our children. I guess for me I am just numb and currently emotionless.
I have learned that I am an excellent actress for the public!!! (I can fool a lot of people)

Didn't Expect That

2009-02-11T11:35:00.000-08:00

I was showing our exchange student some family videos of Marie and Rachel singing and she asked if Jeffrey sang. I said yes then found the graduation CD we had from 2004. He sang at graduation so I looked for it. On the CD Mike represented the school parent board and said a few words then handed out awards. Rachel sat frozen. I just listened to his voice for the first time in 8 months. It was . . . well let's just say a lot of emotions were flying around. Kind of hard.
Today I went to an exercise class and broke the one and only Valentine necklace Mike ever gave me. Normally he would try to give us all a card, candy, or balloon if he was feeling good. In fact he was better with Valentine's Day then Christmas, our anniversary, my birthday or any other special day. With Valentine's Day this week, we are not off to a good start in the emotions department.

Life Goes On

2009-02-10T08:34:00.000-08:00

Life has been busy lately, but what is new. We miss out on a lot of life because we are too busy to enjoy it. So I try to enjoy being busy! Rachel has been doing well lately with less anxiety attacks. Even with the minor issues my kids might face, I think I have pretty great kids!
Right now we have a French exchange student with us for three weeks and Alice and Rachel are getting along great. It has been fun to have her here. Our house can be quiet so we have the church kids come over a lot.
I spent last week substituting at the high school in ISS (in school suspension.) It was interesting to see the students that come in. Unfortunately a lot of them come from families that don't seem to care about their student's education. It is sad. Others are just to smart for the average classroom and act up out of boredom. Instead of making them sit quietly, I often engaged them in conversations of history and government issues. It was interesting. I spent some of my time applying for my credentials to be updated and activated so I can actually substitute teach in the classroom. I usually sub in ISS or the office where you don't have to have your teachers certificate. So I am moving forward into new adventures.
Well this week is Valentines Day. During the last 15 years of Mike's illnesses, I learned never to expect anything and then when he did do something it was a pleasant surprise. There were many years he did nothing for my birthday, our anniversary and there were even a few years he didn't even give me a Christmas gift. It was hard for me at first but I learned it was often the disease and not really Mike. What he did or didn't do often depended on how he was feeling. He took himself off his depression meds in November 2007. Christmas 2007 we had 15 people at the house. After all the gifts were opened someone asked what Mike had given me. The answer was nothing, so about an hour after all the gifts were open he gave me a 3x5 card with a picture of a movie camera on it that I wanted and he told me he would buy it for me. It was no surprise to me that I never got the camera from him. As you can see for years I have had to put aside my feelings and realize that Mike's health kept him from being what we would call "normal." One e-mail I received from him in about April of 2008 he said, "I am sincerely sorry for all the pain I have caused you and the children for so many years. My only solace is that I have done the best that I knew how." I think he knew where he fell short and he didn't need us to point it out. We had good times and bad times like all couples. We chose to stay together and stick it out. The only regret I have is that he knew how hard it was for me sometimes and I think that made it harder on him.
So as we approach Valentine's Day, be thankful. Show your family, friends and special someone how much they mean to you without expecting anything back. If we expect something back, we are setting ourselves up for a fall if nothing is given. It is better to give then to receive (although receiving is nice too!)

PS. One of the fun things we did one Valentine's Day was to cut out TONS of hearts and put them all over Mike's car when it was parked somewhere else. He came out to a "heart attack" car. It was cheap, easy and lots of fun.

Beneficiary of a Sad Situation

2009-02-01T13:26:00.000-08:00

My husband was a CPA (certified public accountant) and an auto mechanic. I know, it is a strange combination. One of the things he did for Marie and Jeffrey, was to rebuild a car and then give it to them. It happened to be whatever car he got at the time and yes Jeffrey got the better deal. Rachel and Mike always talked about getting a mini cooper and fixing it up. Before we moved, Mike inherited a nice red Jeep that needed a new motor. We drove it to the new place but it never got fixed. Having only one dependable car and two drivers, with Rachel turning 16 in March, I thought it would be a good idea to get the Jeep fixed. We got it back this week and it runs wonderful. I have called it Rachel's car because she will wind up driving it the most. Eventually Mike would have found a car to fix for her anyway.
Rachel said to me the other day, "I am so spoiled." Not really. It is a better car then her siblings got and she did get it at a younger age, but at what cost?
I think that all of us would rather have Mike here and be scraping by like the rest of America. Because of Mike's planning, he set things up properly for us. I have the ability to get a few nice things I have wanted, pay for food and parties for Rachel's and her friends and keep the kids in college and live comfortably. Rachel hardly ever asks for anything. So is she spoiled? No just the beneficiary of a sad situation. We would give all the nice things back if it would mean Mike was here to finish raising the kids with me.
Love your family while you have them. Don't judge others for the choices they make. And finally, go do some good to make a positive difference in the world today.

Emotions Close to the Surface

2009-01-26T22:39:00.000-08:00

The last few days have been good, but a lot of things really touched my heart and I shed a few tears. Today completed the sale of my husband's family farm. I have never really been attached to it so I wasn't expecting it to feel so sad. There is nothing left in Eastern Washington to take me over there except for the cemetery. Just a weird feeling.
Speaking of the cemetery, I still haven't even started to get a headstone for Mike's grave. I just haven't been able to deal with that. Maybe it is because it will feel like the final chapter of a favorite book coming to an end. I also can't stand the idea of seeing my name on a gravestone by his. I guess I will have to look at separate markers or something. I just don't want to deal with it yet so I haven't.
On another note, I was touched to see Mike's name listed in the Brigham Young University Magazine under alumni who have passed away. I am sure it is a standard thing for them, but it was special to see. He graduated in 1983 as the top student in the accounting program. There is still a plaque in the Tanner building with his name on it. I have a lot of good memories of our time there.
I also receive a letter from the alumni association today. Mike donated to both Ricks College (BYU-I) and BYU on a regular basis. He had full scholarships to both and his way to pay back what they gave him was to donate so others could have the same opportunities he had received. Due to that support, in this letter it stated that they were going to donate a book to the Herald B Lee Library in his name. It seems like a little thing, but it means a lot.
And finally Rachel and I went to see her therapist (they allow me to go in because Rachel speaks freely around me.) It was a good session but touching. She talked a lot about how we can't do the 'what ifs' or blame ourselves. She talked about how Mike is now free from the pain he was in. It was all stuff I have been stating but it sounded nice coming from a professional. It made us both feel normal to be experiencing some of the stuff that we are experiencing.
We have a long road ahead. Some days are better then others. I usually say I am fine or good when people ask even if it isn't quite the truth. I think I need to learn to let me emotions flow. It is good for the soul. Being able to write freely on this blog has been a great release for me. It also helps to know that people truly do care.

Making it Through Another Week

2009-01-22T21:35:00.000-08:00

The last few days have been pretty mellow. I worked today for the school district and that was a nice break. It seems there is always too much paperwork to deal with, but I am wading through it. I decided I need a heavy duty paper shredder! I have so many papers to go through and get rid of.

As for me, I am enjoying my exercise routine and physical therapy. I am learning a lot about why I have knee and hip pain and what I can do to strengthen it. Right now they have my kneecap taped so it will stay where it should and ride smoother. We will see how my knee does in my step class tomorrow! The exercising is a great outlet for me. It helps me feel stronger and refreshed. It involves taking time for myself that I really enjoy. I think it even helps me to stay centered. It is even great therapy.

The kids seem to be doing well. Jeffrey is enjoying his college classes and Marie is enjoying her new place in Utah. I miss my grandson something awful. Rachel is working through finals and holding together pretty well. I am worried about next week when her classes change and she has to get used to a few new teachers. She really struggles in Math and loves her current teacher but she has to move to a different class to fit her Western Civilization class in. Bummer. Math is one of the things that triggers her anxiety attacks. I pray she will do well with the change.

Anxiety is a funny little monster. Rachel is so worried about having an anxiety attack in public that she had learned to control it enough until she is alone with me. Then she lets loose. I think Jeffrey and Marie are the only other people who have seen her have a full blown anxiety attack. This made me ponder something. For almost 20 years Mike kept his depression a secret from everyone around him. I remember telling people and they looked at me like I was crazy. I felt that no one believe me that he had depression. I kind of feel that way again. No one ever sees Rachel having an attack so I feel they don't think it is as bad as I say. It can be very frustrating and I feel bad for Rachel because she is so hard on herself. She goes back to the therapist on Monday and maybe we can get more ideas on how to handle these attacks.

Rachel Blames Herself. . .

2009-01-14T11:53:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I don't even know where to start, my thoughts are going in many sporadic directions. Sunday started out as a normal day, but by bedtime everything changed. Rachel was in bed and reminded me to come say prayers. So I did and then went back to getting ready for bed. A few minutes later I heard her crying. So I climbed into bed with her and held her while she cried.

When she finally felt like talking, she mentioned that she was afraid dad's death may have been her fault. I knew how she felt, but I also know that his death was his choice. For the last year we where trying to run two households two hours and a ferry ride apart and it was a big mistake. Mike didn't come over that weekend because he would only be able to come for two days and he was planning to come over the following week on the Forth of July for 5 days. By Sunday night he had already decided to take his own life. He had made that choice. He called us and everyone was home so he talked to each one of us. That really wasn't out of the ordinary. I wish I could remember what I did or didn't say that night but I don't. I remember laughing and having a good conversation. Rachel remembers telling him that it was a waste of money and gas to come over for two days. Looking back it made her feel guilty for telling him that. She thought that if she would have told him to come, he may still be alive today. That is a lot of weight on the shoulders of a teenager. We talked and I assured her that he had already made the decision not to come over, but it still hurt. We just sat on the bed and cried and talked. There is so much of her life he won't see now and it hurts her. I don't know how to be a single parent. It is hard. I don't always know what to say or do. I hope I was a comfort to her.

On Monday night she had an anxiety attack. She freaked out over all the stuff she has to do over the next month and acted as if she had to accomplish it all right now. I was patient, but I still don't know the right thing to say to her. She seems to be having these more often and is having less control over them. You can tell a person to calm down and breath deep but you can't make them. I need to get her back to her counselor but she has no time in her schedule...literally. She leaves the house everyday at 6:40am and on some days gets home at 8 or 9 pm. Drivers Ed started Tuesday night so that may have been the reason for the loss of control on Monday.

I throw myself into my exercising or other hobbies that I don't have to much time to dwell on the past. It is still to tender and hurts. So I move forward in life and live everyday the best I can. I wish I knew how to teach that concept to a teenage.

"Come What May and Love It"

2009-01-07T08:18:00.000-08:00

Thank you for your support and positive encouragement. One of my favorite quotes is "Come what may and love it," from a recent talk by Elder Wirthland before he passed away. I had it on a sticky note by my computer. Rachel made a beautiful scrapbook style 8 x 10 of it and framed it for me for Christmas. Usually I do pretty good, but yesterday was just a tough day. It is hard to have Jeffrey go back to college; he is such a strength in our home.

Hard Day

2009-01-06T18:58:00.000-08:00

Things have been happening so fast and now it is time to slow down. I'm not sure if I like the fact that I have more time, especially for thinking. We have not been left alone in this house since Mike passed away. My older kids, mom, other family members etc, have been either living with us or coming to visit non-stop. That ended today. This morning my mom & Phil took off after a 5 day visit and then I took my son Jeffrey to the ferry to head to Redmond for a few days before heading back to college.
I didn't think it would be that difficult, but I was close to tears the hour long drive back from the ferry. I tried to call a few friends but it was to hard to talk. I wanted to listen to the radio but the songs where to hard to listen to. I didn't want to think about the future. Suddenly I felt like all this weight was on my shoulders because I am the only adult in the house. If something breaks I have to get it fixed; if there is a problem I have to find the solution; if we get scared...I have to be the brave one. Alone. I really don't like that word. In a way, I couldn't wait to be here by myself in the daytime so I could get lots of stuff done. I still have so much stuff to go through. Rachel is only 15 so she is home after school. She is a great friend to have here right now. I have always been blessed with great kids that have been my friends too. By the way, thanks to wonderful friends who call or write for no reason other then to talk and check up on me. I appreciate it. You are all lifesavers.
But I wasn't expecting these overwhelming emotional feelings to hit me this quickly. I have just wanted to cry all day. I try to be strong for the kids and others, but this time I think I will have to just go cry on Rachel's shoulder. It's my turn.

I miss my grandson too. He was such a joy and blessing to have around.

We Made it Through Christmas

2008-12-27T23:27:00.000-08:00

Well we have almost made it through the holidays. The cruise ended today and we are now relaxing at a hotel on the beach for the next few days. It was hard to leave the ship and I still feel like I am in motion!!! We all had a great time on the cruise. Rachel said it was the best vacation ever but the worst Christmas ever. I can understand that. She had two breakdowns where she lost it. One was just sadness of dad not being with us for Christmas. The other was over money. They charged her the adult price for a manicure when she should have received the teen price. Of course she came back to the room hysterical. All I had to do was go talk to them and it was all fixed. Afterwards, she was frustrated with herself for losing control but didn't know how to control it during the attack. It is very hard for her. As always, Jeffrey was able to settle her down.

As for me, it has been a tough week but because I have been surrounded by people, I have kept it all together. I think I am in for a crash again soon. I have been holding things together over the holidays for the kids. In a way I am looking forward to getting back home and settling in to our routine. I am not looking forward to getting back to all the snow!!! Aloha to all my friends and Mahalo for your prayers at this difficult season.

Working Through the Holidays

2008-12-22T01:10:00.000-08:00

Well the month of December has been interesting. I have tired to keep busy and not think about what we used to do for the holidays. This year no one wanted to be home. It was time to start new traditions or just do something different. So I planned a Hawaiian Cruise. It has been a great get away. Just Jeffrey, Rachel and I are here in Hawaii. The problem is Rachel is freaking out every time we spend money and that it is starting to make me meserible. I am a positive person, but with that environment around you, it can really drag you down. I wish she could be happy and less stressed about everything.
Anyway, we are having fun most of the time. It is a nice get away, but also hard. Most people are with spouses. I feel like people look at me and the kids and asume I am divorced. And of course we are in beautiful Hawaii and I feel like a misfit next to all the cute skinny tan girls. Speaking of which, I go to the gym almost daily, I had a personal trainer set up a program just for me and I feel really good, but I still look the same. What is with that! I know, I know, it takes time. But people see someone overweight and make judgements. They don't know where they have been or how far they have come. For me it is the fact that I have to do twice as much and work twice as hard just to get the same results the average person gets. Stupid.
Okay, off that thought. The holidays are lonely. There are times I just want to cry but don't because people are around. I don't think my kids understand just how hard all of this has been for me. Everyone tends to worry about themselves. I stay busy taking care of the kids and don't always take care of myself. Nuts, just plain nuts. Mike and I were supposed to do this cruise on our 25th anniversary but we didn't have the money. So now I am here as a single adult with my kids. Sadly different, but I love my kids and I love spending time with them. We do have lots of laughs and most the time things are good. It is just when money is involved, it sends Rachel over the edge. I should be writing about all the cool and fun things we are doing on and off the ship, but I am just a bit down tonight. Oh well, part of it is thinking about my grandson and how lonely the house will be when we get back since they are moving to Utah right now. Time to go back to the cabin and put on a positive face. I hope all those out there enjoying my thoughts have a wonderful Christmas and holiday.

For Every Few Good Days, There is Always a Bad One

2008-12-06T10:20:00.000-08:00

After a wonderful Thanksgiving with the kids, things were going pretty good. Then out of no where bang, a bad day hits. I guess that is life. Rachel has been seeing a therapist for her anxiety and it has been a good experience. One of the things we talk about is Rachel's feelings of the "loss of security" due to her dad's passing.
The loss of her dad has caused a lot of different types of insecurities. She stresses over school especially math, she stresses over money, and she stresses over more loss. So when we woke up Friday morning both having had crazy dreams, our day was not off to a good start! Rachel dreamt that we were in a convenient store and some guy got mad at his wife at the pump and shot her and then came in and shot me 4 times. Although I didn't die in her dream, I was innocently shot in front of her and Jeffrey. It was very disturbing to her and she was concerned all day about what if she loses me too. It didn't help that she had a math test too. She went in and started the test during lunch and was still the last one to turn it in at the end of class. As soon as I picked her up from school, she had a melt down. I fed her, hugged her, and just listened. She hadn't eaten all day which is not good for her. Rachel puts way to much pressure on herself.
As for me, I had a good day but I had a crazy dream too. In mine we were stopping at the Redmond house to check on it and we walked in to find Mike packing stuff to take. He had faked his death and was running out on us. I was so mad at him. It was so real and weird. That is the first time I have dreamed about him at all. Dreams are so weird. I don't know what triggered the dreams that night but later on when I talked to Jeffrey, he had a weird dream that same night. He just couldn't remember it anymore. So I guess our subconsciousness's are trying to tell us something??? Who knows. I am SO glad I have a wonderful relationship with my kids. We are always able to talk, cry, hug and laugh together. They have been a great support to me these last few months. It will be sad when Chris and Marie leave at the end of the month with Ethan. I have decided I don't want to work full time until Rachel is done with school. She still needs me to be flexible for her. I hope others are having a good week and great holiday. Hold on to your dreams. . . but not your nightmares!!!!

I Love the Christmas Season

2008-12-02T23:38:00.000-08:00

We put most of our decorations up before we left for Thanksgiving. Now we just need some lights up and things will be done. Oh and then there is all the Christmas cards to write. I love this time of year. I love the music, the lights, the spirit of giving, the cookies and the Christmas movies. I love to sit by the fireplace with all the normal lights out and just the Christmas ones glowing, sipping on a cup of peppermint hot cocoa. It is sad not to have someone to intimately share it with. The last several years Mike was too busy to stop and enjoy the season, but at least he was around. It is odd this year not having to discuss Christmas budgets, plans, gifts etc. In a way it is actually kind of nice, but there is still a big hole. Something missing. It is hard to imagine that at the end of December it will be six months since Mike's passing. Sometimes I feel a bit guilty for doing so well. I actually feel more like myself then I have for years. Happier and more at easy. I finally joined a gym and it feels good to work out and spend some time on bettering myself.
As I find myself alone listening to Christmas music, there is often a tear shed. A tear of loneliness, a tear for times past, a tear for things we didn't take time for when we could, and a tear for the uncertainty of the future. It is a lonely place to be, not knowing what lies ahead. So I surround myself with family and friends, enjoy the moment and try not to think to deeply.
I hope you all enjoy the season and appreciate everything and everyone you have. You never know when something or someone might be taken away.